Well that would appear to settle that, then.

I want Harry Maguire’s mum on TV right now, banging on Tuchel’s door and demanding an explanation.

sorry but Jimmy Nail is the greatest spender

Trust me, you’re going to enjoy this. This is right up there with how Nigella pronounces microwave.

*glub*

Something very weird is going on in the US. Even in these odd times, when the FBI Director sells branded apparel on the side, the Defense Secretary is an alcoholic Nazi, and it seems they have the monopoly on weird already. This is the kind of bizarre conspiracy theory I can absolutely get behind.

Lads, Harry Hill is a legend

Suck it, Oscar!

Lest we forget.

They’ve got actual bits of Pokémon in them, so you know they’re good.

Of course I drew the whistling potato. #art #potato

Wow, Keir Starmer REALLY wants Andy Burnham to lose… www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

I mean, it kept him out of the country for long stretches of time, and on somebody else’s tab. I’d have been very keen on the idea as well in her shoes.

A trackless tram is a bus

HEAD OF TEETH

Weird numbers: I remember being on a bus with my then baby daughter, and an old lady asked if she could please hold her. I handed her over. “How old is she?” she asked. “Three months,” I said. “Well,” she replied, pausing, “then I reckon that makes me four hundred and six times her age.”

If it makes it any easier, don’t think of it as Arsenal somehow bumbling their way to the Premier League title. Think of it as Guardiola losing.

Is it… Shaft?

“Let’s just say that we won’t be short of Chunky Monkey at Top Gun for the next month…” www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/...

Went up to Everton. Wore the cursed fourth shirt. Lost 3-1. Damn it.

Lisa Nandy looks about as keen to do this interview as I would be to watch it.

I asked my mate from Yorkshire if he was sufficiently prepared for hantavirus, and he said he uses Bitdefender Total Security, if that’s any help to anyone.

The right result, and the best song absolutely won. But the real adventure was the #Bangaranga we made along the way. Good night, my fellow European chums. #Eurovision

Well done, Bulgaria! #Eurovision

Ironically, it appears that the Bulgarian entry now has plenty of support. #Eurovision

GREECE GIVES 12 POINTS TO CYPRUS SHOCKER! #Eurovision

EMBRACE THE BANGARANGA! #Eurovision

Don’t ever change, Costco.

There are Lieutenant Columbos everywhere for those with eyes to see.

Therapist: Have you had any toxic relationships in the past? Me: Well, I used to be on Twitter.

Thank God, they’ve not invited the actual Cliff. #Eurovision

Fair play, Mr Lordi’s not aged a day! #Eurovision

All I’m saying is that if there’s going to be a medley of classic #Eurovision winners for the 70th anniversary, then there had better be some Conchita Wurst.

Almost forgot about the Austrians. Is he wearing Poland’s armoured corset? #Eurovision

We’re almost done, folks. We just need to sit through a soppy romantic Romanian ballad about a milkmaid’s lost love or something like that and oh my actual Christ what the hell is this? #Eurovision

Norway’s entry is actually pretty good. Is he planning on going off fishing straight after the show? #Eurovision

You can practically smell all the STDs on that #Eurovision host through your telly,

It looks like one “Antonio Hadley” is representing Italy in #Eurovision, and you know this much is true.

my kids are calling this one Temu Shakira

Cykira Cykira! #Eurovision

Do we all reckon that Sweden’s entry is meant to be at work, or a close family member’s wedding? #Eurovision

Sweden act taking no chances with hantavirus. #Eurovision

Fuck me, Cascada's lawyer getting the email ready to go on Monday #Eurovision

Am I the only one hoping that Sweden’s entry has got a full Conchita Wurst style beard under that mask? #Eurovision

Like Serbia, Lithuania really don’t want to host it next year either. #Eurovision

Well done Poland. Armoured corsetry has been woefully under-represented so far in this year’s #Eurovision.

24 different languages. #Eurovision