Indeed thou made me an April fool when thy faked a hair transplant, claimed Seth Rogen had sworn off the weed and that Michael Sheen was not Welsh but Milton Keynes borne. Thou made sport of my trust, my faith in thee. Now it is YOU who is the fool (also I was gonna do the Seth Rogen one ffs)

Finally

Sorry I’m late I was having a dream about Francis Rossi

Nice 😎

Happy Birthday Adrian Chiles 🥳

Is this about up the arse

Me to the writers of Bean: The Ultimate Disaster Movie when Mr Bean causes a fire trying to cook a turkey in the microwave

BREAKING: The UK’s most popular pastime for men has officially been confirmed as ‘spitting on the floor’

Don’t take this the wrong way but good morning.

BREAKING: Arsenal announces Gunnersaurus as new pope

Put your money away. For today ONLY! Three of my favourite phrases to hear and say FOR ABSOLUTELY GRATIS FREE 😎🤫

High street so bad got me shopping at ‘Sweet Lady’

Is this about up the arse #totp

Two pints of Guinness and a Cheestring for tea last night

Making my child dress as Richard Osman for World Book Day

Dydd Gŵyl Dewi Hapus to the Queen of Wales 🫡

Happy Saint David’s Day 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿❤️ This year, why not take part in some of the traditional festivities of Wales? Wear a daffodil, make Welsh cakes and dance like you’ve never actually seen anyone dance before but are contractually obliged to 😎

Happy Birthday Dennis Waterman 🥳🎂

Shall I tell you who WASN’T in the Epstein files

Sad to see so many shops and bars closing down in Birmingham city centre, but thankfully gaining several new establishments providing emergency access to Walkers MAX Punchy Paprika, a rare commodity only previously available in every shop in the UK

‘It’s not right, but it’s ok’ is about up the arse #TOTP

Happy pancake day to all who shrive

Was in Birmingham yesterday and saw a woman dancing to Whitney Houston in the Superdrug hair dye aisle, then she walked up to the counter and said ‘you don’t sell teeth do ya’

Happy Birthday Robbie Williams 🥳

What’s the matter love you’ve barely touched your The Terminator Hazy IPA

There’s no law against having a jacket potato for breakfast by the way

Letter to my 20 year old self: Weetabix gives you indigestion now 🤫🪄

BREAKING: New SNL UK line up revealed

‘Bye bye, smelly’ sounds like a Morrissey song

I’ll be interrogating John Robins live on stage at my old workplace The Glee Club Birmingham on Thursday 7th May! We’ll be talking about his book THIRST, his life and why booze can sometimes be a bit too scrummy wummy doo dah! 😋🍺 Tickets here: booking.glee.co.uk/23019

Most important game of the year

Episode 178: Chocolate In A Bun feat. @dankackroyd.bsky.social is out now! We dive into such topics as actors who are too actor-y for us to suspend our disbelief, body horror, and the best compliments we've ever received. Grab a nice hot bevvy and enjoy!: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/e...

The perfect Valentine’s card doesn’t exis-

Victoria Beckham at Brooklyn Beckham’s wedding

Watching ‘Pretty Fly for a White Guy’ by The Offspring on #totp and realised it was 27 years ago

I wouldn’t tell anyone if I won the lottery but there will be signs

Can we all, please, take a moment to appreciate how Mr Motivator has not aged a day since the 90s

Roses are red, Stones gather moss, Mr Motivator is dancing as part of a promotion for Trainline at London’s Kings Cross 😎

My first boyfriend’s uncle was obsessed with Mel C. We went round one day and he’d put up four framed collages of Mel C newspaper cuttings in his front room. Unrelated whenever any woman came on TV he’d shout “GET YOUR MOTT OUT!! WAH WAH!” I mean god forbid men have hobbies #totp

When someone asks who your favourite Argentine footballer is

It’s New Year’s Eve not New Year’s Steve

It’s important to remember that Christmas isn’t fun for everyone and while you’re celebrating, there will be many people who are doing their best just to get through it. So if you can, please spare a thought for those who’ve received this as a gift today

Birmingham Bullring wishes all its patrons a very Merry Aptio Setup Utility and a Happy New BIOS Information ✨

As it’s Christmas, let me treat you to one of my favourite videos. The time @dankackroyd.bsky.social gave me a shout out, which made my tummy feel funny.

It’s Christmas Eve Eve not Christmas Steve Steve

@dankackroyd.bsky.social I think it’s safe to say you’re very much in the culture 🎯 🍻 🎄

(Quietly sliding my campaign for all UK babies to be issued cigarettes and an elegant carriage clock back in the drawer) wow that’s great

Naughty elf went through my wardrobe last night

BLT stands for Bacon Lacon Tacon