2/ ~old jk is best jk~

me: is a "code red" when I spill mountain dew on my keyboard? general: no it means the missiles have launched me: then we have two problems

🔺 EXCLUSIVE: HSBC has started bankruptcy petitions against the brothers Aidan and Howard Barclay amid large debts owed from the family’s collapsed logistics business

lmao jfc

People say it’s odd that governments still use Twitter/X to communicate, but it’s only like how the John Major government announced its ongoing Maastricht negotiations through the readers’ erotic stories pages in Men Only magazine.

Wow I had no idea it was actually true that vampires can't see themselves in the mirror

No danger of much civility on here, so that's progress I suppose

My "I just took a third test to prove I do not have dementia" t-shirt is raising a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

That sound you hear is John Le Carré turning in his grave. #TheNightManager

the WOKES want you to call the year “2026” now

happy birthday to horses

It’s possible I’m wrong and the revolution is here, of course. But the people tweeting have predicted 7 of the last 0 revolutions.

Dozens of people are feared to have been killed and around 100 injured after an explosion tore through a crowded bar during a New Year's Eve party in the Swiss resort

"What was your favourite game of 2025?" Keir Starmer - *sincere answer about spending his limited time with his kids playing Mario Kart, delivered as if he just googled it* Ed Davey - "I still love a bit of Wii Sports" Kemi Badenoch - "My best friend was killed by a Sega Mega Drive"

20...26?

🧪A few more hours to go…

Fireworks have been around for about a thousand years. You would have thought dogs would have got used to them by now.

Open up this picture fully. Then look at the surface of Mars. Then look up to the top right. Spot Mars' moon Phobos high in the sky. Then notice the bright spot beside Phobos. That's Earth.

Happy new anus to all who celebrate.

Chairman: Luke Johnson I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

Farage, Polanski and Corbyn's choices are all good, Davey's is a typical boring dad choice, and Badenoch's response is characteristically unhinged

RIP 2025 2025-2025

Robbers in Germany drilled a large hole in the wall of a basement bank vault. "Police are looking into it" was right there...

oh for fuck's SAKE

ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 ᶠᵘᶜᵏ 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 𝗙𝗨𝗖𝗞 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 ᶠᵘᶜᵏ 𝔣𝔲𝔠𝔨 ｆｕｃｋ 𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂 𝗳𝘂𝗰𝗸 Fᴜᴄᴋ 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝒻𝓊𝒸𝓀 ᶠᵘᶜᵏ 🄵🅄🄲🄺 ᶠᵘᶜᵏ ᶠᵘᶜᵏ f u c k ᶠᵘᶜᵏ

"Sixty-three-year-old Leslie Sieff, of West Hampstead, was given a £1,000 fine and ordered to pay £750 costs after admitting possession of $60,000 in counterfeit US dollars. He is currently recovering on a cruise." 💯💯💯

"Is Nutella a cure for gout? A single-subject non-blind trial" M. Cynic, 2025, J.Chub.Ppl

not the main problem at all but i love it when a journo has the monkey meme profile pic

Omg shut up already, this is absolute bullshit and you should know better. Argh I’m so tired of this crap www.theguardian.com/technology/2...

A Brigitte Too Far

Cecilia Giménez, famed for ‘Monkey Christ’ mural mishap, dies at 94

I share a window-cleaner with a retired Premier League footballer whose name I've forgotten (but he's one of the famous ones).

"Your new credit card statement is available" Not now, Barclaycard, not now...

Who was president in 2017?

Not sure people are getting the real importance of the Russians fooling Trump about the Ukrainians attacking Putin's house. It was to demonstrate just how much they control his thinking--how much he is in their pocket. And it worked.

AMANDA KATE PRITCHARD "As Chief Executive Officer of NHS England, she led the merger of three national bodies, NHS England, NHS Digital and Health Education England reducing headcount by 35%" A 35% reduction in headcount in NHS England???

Just watched the new Knives Out and I think it's really important you know that the scene in the Seminary's Gym is filmed in the same place Rick Astley filmed the music video for Never Gonna Give You Up. I saw the window tracery and immediately made my friends pause the film so I could tell them.

Mince pie & creme egg sandwich, anyone?

Tiny reform that could make life easier: allow birth registration in borough of residence, rather than that of birth. Nevertheless, it’s v Christmassy to be taking a long multi-modal journey on a cold day, in order to undertake census duties in the borough of birth, on orders of Caesar Hollandus.

Having had a day to think through everything about El-Fattah, here's where I stand. Yes, it's possible to believe all of these things at once! In fact, it really shouldn't be that hard.

Top Adrian Chiles Columns of 2025: I’ve given up wild swimming. So why does my Volvo smell like mince? Should I tell the postman he has halitosis? My first wife wouldn’t let me wear shorts. I buried my father with my bare hands. It’s time we stopped talking about glamping. 1/3

Why is the writing on shampoo bottles getting smaller? Baboons stole my plimsolls at Longleat.     Halloumi makes my teeth squeak. So why have my children hidden my culottes? £12 for a jar of coffee? I got my forearm stuck in a fruit machine in Powys. 2/3

Should I ask my dentist to stop wearing sandals? I was shunned by a horse in Chepstow. Why do workmen refuse my offers of tea? Compression socks give me eczema. I blocked the pub toilet. Now my dog barks when I say Dundee. 3/3

“Takes a job”. If people do not understand what it is to be instructed under the cab rank rule, it would do a lot for discourse if they could kindly either learn or stop showing their ignorance. Ideally both.

What's everyone's favourite Avatar quote? Mine is: "To watch one Avatar movie, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to watch three looks like carelessness"

found one

40% butter 40% whisky 20% satsumas #BalancedDiet

Busy finishing off the last of the fancy Christmas desserts.