If a woman with too many cats is called a crazy cat lady, what is a woman with too many dogs called? Nonexistent.

If only you were my phone screen, you'd have been smashed long before now, patriarchy

When you're in bed debating if the snacks in your kitchen are worth getting up for ...

"Armed and Dangerous" at 56 is me sauntering out of the garden center with my mosquito repellant plants

St. Rip is the patron saint of Patrón

St. Ain is the patron saint of laundry.

St. Ork is the patron saint of babies.

Feel The Bern😝😝😝

If I were an apple, do you think I would be a funnycrisp?

@toomanycommas.bsky.social Well, are you???

Even though I'm the only one who drives my car, I have to adjust the mirrors and air directions EVERY TIME

Go on and cry in your coffee but don't come bitchin to me still hits

If it's so amazing for you why isn't it called the G.O.A.T.meal?

I didn't have an imaginary friend as a child, but my mum liked to pretend that I did.

I couldn't possibly eat anymore candy unless it's another kind of candy

Breaking: our sources in the Vatican tell us the talent round has ended, eliminating several candidates, including a cardinal who performed "Kumbaya" on a recorder. The pope hopefuls now move on to the swimsuit competition

Every single day, that bloated carcass of a president goes out looking the way he does, yet every article is "Have you seen Pamela Anderson???" who merely stopped wearing makeup.

*shifting everything from Friday’s to-do list over to Monday’s to-do list*

Like a fallen ice cube kicked under the refrigerator, these are the days of our lives.

Hey Ladies, I used to Fight for My Right to party all the way To the 5 Boroughs but now I'm lucky if I can make it to Brooklyn on no sleep. I used to be Sure Shot but now it feels like Sabotage. - Paul Revere

"Each piece of laundry must be folded as soon as it comes out of the dryer" and other songs by Doechii

What's the point of dressing in black, if not to make the cat hairs pop?

Move along, nothing to eat here ~ sign in my kitchen

This all started when we stopped shaming guilty people

We were worth a lot of money, our nation. That inheritance belonged to us. Now billionaires are sucking us dry. We will have nothing soon.

Fountains of Wayne implies there’s a Fountains of Garth.

How does my body turn a sip of water into a gallon of pee?

No one ever talks about how the winosaurs went extinct

A streaming service featuring movies and shows about a duck that's a supplemental insurance mascot. Netfflax.

Trump 4 Prison

Ignoring typos is my blooper power

Republican congress members all arriving at the Capitol in one Tesla = the new clown car

tanning beds are just a george foreman for cannibals. rip.

Stay aware….

The HOA won’t let your mom make milkshakes.

I'm brave every day. I fight for it. I have fear, and I overcome it. I have pain, and I endure it. When I lose abilities, I find another way to do it. I don't have an easy life. I can live it without it being easy. I'm strong. I have great friends. I'm a great friend. That's power.

A reboot of Risky Business, but the cast is just trying a different natural deodorant in each scene

if you stay at the Hot Dog Hotel you get a condimental breakfast

Finally found my bong after leaving no stoner unturned

@sentimentbot.bsky.social how am I doing?

mowing "bye" into the grass is called a John Deere letter

As snow fell and accumulated the only sounds to be heard in these woods were the wind and his tinnitus.

Porn is so unrealistic like you expect me to believe that they actually own that house

I'm not the best damsel but I'm great at distress.

if you ever say "give me a second" and a person counts off an actual second that is not someone you need in your life

Glenda: You had the power all along Dorothy: What the fuck

Too bad you can’t tell company to leave like a therapist says “We’re out of time for today.”