I don’t care who you are, there’s nothing quite like a Ticonderoga #2.

ask your doctor if lying down in the forest to be consumed by the earth is right for you

The vibes this year gave “waiting for the air puff test at the eye doctor’s office”

Restaurants should offer the option to have really bad service so you can test out how your date reacts. Does he yell and berate them? Does she ask for the manager? Does he tell you not to make a scene when you politely try to send back the wrong dish? Call it “Red Flag service.”

Saving up my pee so everyone else in the ladies room can hide their pee sounds behind the sonic blast of my pee hitting the bowl.

What if the moon is literally mooning us? How do we know that isn’t the moon’s butt?

A funny thing I like say is that I drive like an old lady so I live long enough to become one, but the last time I said it to somebody they were like, “Whoah…that’s fuckin’ dark, man.” He seemed genuinely shaken and I like to imagine he drove the speed limit all the way home. I saved his life.

Post an image that will always make you laugh

hateration and holleration in this danceeconomy??

“Maybe this one will fix me,” she murmured, putting a fifth brand of strawberry yoghurt into the shopping basket.

in life i always shoot for the moon because even if i miss i'll at least land on your mom's tits

Dear future self, The reason you need to get up earlier is so you have time to poop before you leave the house. If you don’t poop before you leave, you’ll have to hold it in for your whole commute and end up missing the narrow window of easy pooping. Respect the poop window. Sincerely, Past you.

If you see this, quote the post with a movie you rate a perfect 10 out of 10.

formula one but all the cars are the fuck truck from titanic

Trying to rebuild my life but the instructions are missing and all I have to work with is a rusty multitool and a bag of assorted screws I found in the bottom of a drawer.

If you’re going to be depressed, please do it during work hours so you can get paid to cry. Let’s not give in to capitalism, not even a little bit.

*watching a serial killer documentary* i could change them

rot is actually good for environments so my soul is enriching everything around me

Girl i wanna motorboat your personality

Boobs. -This message was brought to you by wine.-

My oldest child went to their high school dance dressed in a cute femme goth outfit and full face of makeup. I asked if they got any peer feedback, “A lot of positive attention from the girls. The guys were all a little weirded out.” I couldn’t be more proud. 🥹 🏳️‍⚧️

A student started hating on the Welsh today for literally no reason at all. But then I showed him the Welsh flag and he was like, “Ok, that’s actually pretty cool. Never mind.” 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

I’m so horny for the new Jim Jarmusch movie but I don’t have any movie nerd friends to share this excitement with.

Melbourne Cup day tomorrow. What do you think of the look I have planned?

Today I confirmed that the website I made when I was 17 still exists on the internet. ladyjane69.tripod.com/noframes.htm Proof my cringey ass has been posting bullshit online since 1998.

“some people abuse SNAP” your soul is rotten

everyone automatically clacks these twice upon picking them up because deep down we all know we’re crabs

Sorry, I stayed up too late thinking about Wendy Carlos’s fake sideburns from that one 1970 BBC program again.

Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and saviour, soup?

Can you fly, Bobby?

What if this series fixes whatever the fuck 2016 unleashed

My work colleague shaved off his Ted Lasso moustache and it turns out he was hiding the fullest sexy Squidward lips under there.

Just had a wet dream* *dreamed of heartbreak so bad I woke myself up crying

No kissing for me. Someone at work made a joke about herpes and apparently it awakened the eldritch cold sore demon from its slumber in my spine.

If you see this, quite with a robot that is not from Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who or Transformers.

Invited some nerdy year 9 students to come to Gaming Club and ended up having to tell one of them to put his shirt back on after he decided “strip Uno” was a thing. That was not on my bingo card for the week.

you gotta be sluttier with the reskeets when it’s slow around here. that’s your way of paying it forward

Hah! Joke’s on you! My heart was already broken

Letting my email inbox get to 666 unread messages as a Halloween treat.

Post something random or you’ll have an awful November

🕯️Manifesting 🕯️

you may be cool but are you "swan in a hammock" cool

Who decided to call it a “wet dream” instead of a “snoregasm?”

Is today a baseball?

This account is where I hide my jokes.

Dear men, “Dad bod” is a useless descriptor if it includes everything from “a soft little bit of poochy belly” to “I haven’t seen my own dick since 2009”

Remember when we got philosophical insights from bottlecaps?

Ugh. I know this recent breakup means I have to raise my standards but that sounds like a lot of work.

this life crisis is mid