Jumping Jack Flash

😢 oh no… 🥀

One time I was pressured to quit a job so I put a frozen chicken fillet behind the printer in my boss’s office the last day before summer break but the changed my mind, fished it out, and sued them instead.

*Miss Piggy dressed as Galinda* You…will…be…

Donald Trump really brought the worst out in everyone like suddenly there was this guy who could just bully people without shame and say the most bigoted shit and people were finally like “I can be him, I don’t have to pretend to be nice anymore”

Some Like it Hot

Phantasy Star

If by “adulting” you mean sometimes buying a whole shrimp cocktail tray from the grocery store to eat by myself then yes, I am very successfully “adulting.”

I spotted Bret McKenzie at the banh mi shop near my house yesterday but I can’t tell anyone because I stayed home sick from work and I don’t want to give away that I was just having a mental health day.

As a teacher and union member I participating in the stop-work collective action Tues 24/03. But as an exhausted teacher and single mother, I’m not participating in the march on Parliament. I will, however, be wearing my Union T-Shirt whilst getting a 2.5 hour massage and spa treatment (a gift).

Upping my “read the menu online before heading to the restaurant” game by searching for the setlists from previous shows on the tour before going to the concert.

How many twins must I aphex

How many buttholes do I need to surf

this is my public creative writing journal

Name an album you’ve heard on cassette.

It has been 0 days since I have been assaulted by a student.

Yall ever feel like scifi movies from the 80s were warnings

Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? All I found was a guy named Stefan who read to filth for wearing cargo shorts.

I picked a hell of a time to fall in love.

Yeah I’ve seen the groundbreaking movie where a leading man plays two different brothers

I always feel like I know a perfectly normal amount about a bunch of topics but then people are quick to make me realise the “normal amount” of knowledge about most topics is “nothing.”

I joined a fencing club so now I can legally own a sword in Australia. En garde motherfuckers!

I made an ice cream sundae. Except instead of ice cream it’s sour cream. And instead of hot fudge it’s chili. And instead of chopped nuts it’s shredded cheese. And instead of cherries it’s jalapeños. And corn chips at the bottom instead of one of those waffle cone bowls. Places should sell this.

who called it an american express credit card statement instead of an ae iou

Shout out to my grandfather who fought against the Nazis so I could post jokes about Kool-Aid Man's dick

My dad used to teach California history at a community college. One summer he paid me to make a database of every song on every mix tape of “California songs” gifted to him by students over 20+ years. There were a couple hundred. I had to listen to them all.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

(touching window gently) protect me from Outside

Flashback to that time in my mid-20’s when I was dating this death metal drummer and I opened the glove box in his 1965 powder-blue Corvair, a Billy Joel CD slid out into my hands and he was like, “Ooh good choice, put it on” and I was so confused.

Every moment teaching at a P-12 school is either a joy or a horror. A year 8 student today told me I was their favourite teacher. 👍 Then I walked by the playground just as a year 3 student started screaming “OW OW MY PENIS! MY PENIS!” 👎

We're not winning, but Putin certainly is. And who among us didn't see *that* coming?

Moment you realize there's no navigable route between what you just said and anything else any other person might reasonably say

Coworker: One thing you may not know about me is I completely throw my back out about once a year. Me: ONLY ONCE A YEAR?? Must be nice.

Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder

My boyfriend won an all expenses paid holiday to a luxury resort and I’m his plus one so now I guess I finally have to watch The White Lotus to get some outfit inspiration.

could someone go pee for me. i don't wanna get up

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but when my cleric uses Bless on the party, I throw d4’s at them and shout “THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!” Anyone else do that?

“Hey Miss, do you reckon wizards ever doomscroll on their crystal ball?” “That’s literally what the Palantir are in LotR. Saruman thinks he’s getting visions of the truth but they’re images directly from Sauron sent to consume his thoughts and poison his mind. Drives him mad, turns him evil.” “🤯”

You Try to Hand Me Something with a Closed Hand but Instead I Give You a Fist Bump and Walk Away: An Autobiography

Childhood terror unlocked.

What’s your sign?

I remember thinking this when the astronauts were on the Space Station in 2016 and how awkward it must have been for them when they came back down after the election.

My boyfriend grew up in Yugoslavia and apparently International Women’s Day was a HUGE DEAL there. Parades, a day off, celebrations, like, it was a whole huge thing. He tells me it still is. I feel cheated.

wearing my women in stem t-shirt on international women’s day to celebrate the fact that i was given that and a reusable water bottle instead of equal pay

Fun week to be a ballet and opera fan. I enjoy and have performed in both of these. I have a fine arts degree. Suddenly these seem like relevant facts to bring up in conversation.

now that there are no phone booths Clark Kent just strips naked in the street

I bought two pairs of earrings at a market today: one pair looks like bug wings, the other is teeth. They give me gender euphoria because my true gender is “grotesque little gnome.”

Me: pls just let me sleep in til 8 Body: best i can do is 4 but you’ll start to get sleepy again just before work, if it makes you feel any better