I finish my talk on the pompatus of love. 'Bravo, Space Cowboy' shouts one member of the audience. 'Simply superb, Gangster Of Love' shouts another. 'Well done, Maurice' shouts my Mom from the back row even though I told her not to come and now my street cred IS RUINED.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was "monitoring the situation" he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

them: a little birdie told me that y- me: little birdies need to learn to keep their beaks shut them: me: *walks away*

I put the "ugh" in "thoughts"

payback? in THIS economy??

(climbing into bed with phone) oh no, i forgot to brush my bluetooth

the high cost of bouncy castles is largely due to inflation

everything included feels like an even bigger lie than resealable or this will only take a minute

Ok this is how I felt finding out Darkman was not, in fact, based on a comic book. But Raimi was definitely doing a comic book movie for a comic book that did not exist. Wtf.

do not kys you have to outlive this bullshit

I still often awake with a start, thinking this guy is stealing my potions

Many people get this wrong! The correct word for putting your body in a horizontal position is "lie." The past tense of that is "lay." What you never get when you point this out is "laid"

Our entire economy is being artificially propped up by astrology for men: AI, crypto, sports betting, and prediction markets. It's an economy shaped entirely by male insecurity and lack of impulse control, and we'll all pay the price.

[maintaining direct eye contact while chugging an entire bottle of salad dressing] what. is this your first time making up stupid shit for the internet

If we leave our Do Not Disturb sign off, I guarantee they’ll be the one getting a surprise.

This ties into my theory that “ghosts” originally were just unexplained bad smells and that’s why we burned incense and sage and such to get rid of them.

I just want more non-US King Gizzard shows. 😕

i just want to live a life that Daria would be proud of

Why is he called your step-dad and not your faux pa?

*walks around my house looking for scissors while making the scissor motion with my fingers*

I’ve been strutting around work this week with the laid back stride of someone who will, in a few more days, be floating down a lazy river sipping drinks with tiny umbrellas in them.

this is the worst scavenger hunt for happiness, ever

Slap me on the ass and pull my underwear out of my crack.

hey remind me to tell you about how my therapist told me today that i need to become a bad ass trans boss bitch in order to survive

I don't have high blood pressure. I have a finely tuned hatred for slow people who block goddamm grocery aisles.

I told people at work how I have multiple checklists and pack and repack my suitcase at least once before travelling and they were like: “You need to care less.” What kind of bullshit is that? The lists and the planning are half the fun. Also, they aren’t panic attacks, they’re butterflies.

found my next D&D character name

When someone saves my Bluesky posts, I always assume they're building a file for litigation.

Of course I know Wario is evil but I always pick him because I’m able to separate the kart from the kartist

Game Show where they psychoanalyze you for prizes called What's Your Deal?

Inside of me are two wolves I absorbed in the womb

One of my favourite things about this book my mom gave me a long time ago is how much the author hates ironing. Like, she hates all housework, but ironing especially hated. And I agree.

when you run out of hotdogs you just need to declare frankruptcy

If I give you a thumbs-up it means I’ve remembered not to say something stupid

Cleaning the house from top to bottom before going away just to know it’s sitting there like that with nobody in it.

Dogs are cool. Cats are cool. People who think that you can’t love both equally therefore are 50% less happy than they could be. It’s just mathematics.

Attacked by a large, Old World monkey with a red and blue face. Mandrill issue.

They’ll probably try to Weekend at Bernie’s him around using AI for at least a few weeks when it happens.

Ozempdick.* *pencil dick

My students have constructed a duck pond today.

did i miss anything while i was disassociating to music?

You know that feeling when someone steals something right in front of you and everyone around you just shrugs? That's what it's like living in America right now.

you all eatin ass or nah

if you think about it, a house is just an elaborate blanket fort

The dog species that most enjoys dad jokes is the corn dog.

Anyone else miss Carrie Fisher’s unique and utterly batshit use of emojis?

[me, getting stabbed to death in 19th century London] ugh, more like Jerk the Ripper

The Fast and the I’m Fine I Guess