What

Uncle Clark, are you Santy Claus?

Does Mrs. Claus know that Santa was kissing your mom?

The common good means nothing now that people value self gratification more. Whose fault is that (and why is it Reagan's)?

My body is a meat pocket struggling to contain my badassery

I am also a never-smoker lifelong athlete who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2024. www.goodmorningamerica.com/video/128237...

Day 8 of #ArtAdventCalendar I finally got my lifer Elf Owl in Spring! Elf Owls are the smallest owls on Earth… 🪶

The lighting is poor but I assure you this is Santa Claus.

Fergus is a winter wonder dog

Holiday nails just in time for the ugly 90s Die Hard watch party

I hope this day finds you at peace! Happy Thanksgiving 🦃

Jesus fought a turkey so you could give that bird a dry rub, never forget the reason behind the season

For $5, Fergus will come to your Thanksgiving dinner, eat a turkey leg, and be a general distraction. If any of your relatives talk nonsense he will immediately ask "is this because I'm black?" and make the rest of the dinner awkward.

ME: I’ve never cooked a Thanksgiving turkey and I hope I go to my grave that way DOCTOR: Then I've got good news

There is nothing I detest more than people coopting social justice language and therapy speak to justify being harmful or jerks or harmful jerks. Pay the writers, good god

My favorite part of Stranger Things season 4 was when this asshole took a roller skate to the face.

It makes me sad when other women delete their selfies, yet I delete mine ALL THE TIME. Why are we even like this?

Writer may be the only job where you can work for 100+ hours and then charge $2.99 for what you produced and someone will call you greedy with a complete lack of self awareness because you aren't offering it for free on Kindle.

November is Lung Cancer Awareness month. I am so sad to report that advocate and stage 4 lung cancer patient Ashley Vassallo passed away last week at the age of 37 after being diagnosed in 2022 (after 366 days of being misdiagnosed).

Who's been a good boy all year? This guy!!!

STOP. this is a selfie checkpoint. you must repost with a cute selfie to proceed. Does this one count?

Twitter used to be about responding to a James woods rant with a picture of Yoda eating pussy. It was a paradise

Nobody has a cuter selfie. Kitten is here though.

Stop. This is a selfie checkpoint. Repost with a cute selfie to proceed ₍^. .^₎⟆

little bug standing with her hands on her hips trying to remember what blade of grass she laid 10,000 eggs on

Are you eating 3 meals a day still? Greedy. Start sleeping 12 hours a day, you can cut that back to 2. Only get up to go to work, maybe you just need 1. Or swap days! You eat today, your kids eat tomorrow! Grandma's almost dead, so fuck her needs. Paying for heat? Pfft. Burn trash in a barrel.

She mentioned that RFK has kinks, and lucky for you I found this exclusive clip that he recorded.

Sometimes you find an old take out menu and see the most expensive sandwich on it was like 7 bucks and then you cry a little

It's that time of year! I'm doing custom stories! $0.10 per word for any genre, any topic, anything you can imagine. I've been doing these since Twitter. Get your dad a story in which he & Bigfoot fight Martians. Or maybe your cat needs to fight space Nazis. Or maybe you want Hobbit smut. Hit me up!

12 years! Happy birthday wishes and some brick oven pizza crust for Sully

I wish more people just took up hobbies like reading about trebuchets. Learning how to build trebuchets. Setting up trebuchets one block over and launching balloons full of piss at people dressed like combat idiots so that their costumes would smell like piss from a trebuchet.

i forgot i wrote this! So did they, I guess! www.thebeaverton.com/2025/11/long...

Let's get married!!! Wooooooo!!!!!

Lots of people trying to argue that the person kicking you in the gut is the one you need to criticize, not the one who laced up his boots and man, trust me, you can criticize both.

Ferg in exclusive snow-motion technology

Happy trees ain't cheap! www.bonhams.com/auction/3094...

World's biggest spiderweb discovered inside 'Sulfur Cave' with 111,000 arachnids living in pitch black. www.livescience.com/animals/spid...

I am snort laughing

Very encouraging news across the board tonight. It can be really disheartening to see the same bullshit again and again, to feel like nothing you do is ever going to work, to see the most vile people in the world keep winning. But we can see that's not always true. Better late than never.

I'm told this is the Beaver Moon.

60,000 white flags going up on the National Mall, since November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month. Each flag represents two lives lost to #lungcancer. I'll share my story Weds. at news conference, ahead of @lungevity.bsky.social "Breathe Deep" event, Sat. Nov. 8 on the Mall. fundraise.lungevity.org/dc

Everyone deserves healthcare. If you have a right to life, you should have a right to preserve and keep that life. They shouldn't make you pay for it. Shouldn't be a for-profit business.

Irresponsibly posting my location on social media.

Nobody makes good fossil fish masks so this year I knocked out a Protosphyraena for myself! A little cardboard and superglue goes a long way when paired with obsession

Quote post the movie you're watching to finish off Halloween the right way 🎃

This is a good start, but people should also be free to drive on whatever side of the highway feels appropriate to them.

"Fringe-lipped bats caught their prey about half the time. For reference, lions only catch around 14 percent of their prey, while polar bears can grab as little as two percent of their targets" fuck yeah, little buddies!

We actually mic'd this little guy up to hear what he had to say during filming. Here's the transcript: Whoa... oof. Okay. Slow down...whoa. Whoa! WHOA! AAAAGGH! AAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

With alt text.