The Bestie Boys

it was the best of times it was the worst of times it was the why don’t doctors prescribe heroin for hysteria anymore of times

I love this button

Beautiful day in upstate NY.

When I say I'm a man of substance I mean controlled.

I’m not 100 but I might bake an apple pie today

[Seal voice] 🎶 No, we're never gonna survi-huh-hive.

Now would be a good time to deep dive into the lore canon of Fraggle Rock.

I love when I attempt to participate in the office sports talk, but they can't hear me speak because of my vagina. 🖕🏾

You may want to open a window, I’m farting my feelings out.

i like it when people assume i know what they’re talking about it’s like a wacky little adventure for both of us

I haven’t been in a good place mentally since the early 90’s.

he's also tearing down the Washington Monument and putting in a splash pad

I like to close the set with “Daydream Believer.”

Just once I’d like to be in a knife fight with a guy who brings a footlong sub sandwich instead.

Santa! no! 😨

that awkward moment when you absentmindedly put your ankles on the gyno’s shoulders during your pap

in case you're wondering whether parrots make good pets, yesterday mine grabbed a french fry slathered in spicy mayo off of my plate, dragged it up the sleeve of my sweater, then dropped it onto the floor

*deliberately goes out of my way to neither like nor subscribe*

CUTE GIRL: *holds up cigarette* got a match ME: *holds up an identical cigarette* yes

no, sophia, not everybody wants you to respond to all their posts

So tired and somehow mistakenly managed to take my morning vitamins and supplements at night.

I should've paid more attention to the diploma hanging on the pharmacist's wall

Mr Pickles.

When, oh when will ppl learn that you can’t just follow someone, then immediately “POP” into their dm and go to town. Blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah blah blah, blah, blah blah blah! Blah! Blah, blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah? Hahahah! Blah blah blah blah, blah. Me: BLOCK

Someone designed this. Then someone approved it for production. Then someone printed it. Then someone bought it and attached it to their car.

cop: *vomits* detective: first one, huh? cop: you ever get used to it? detective: *lights cigarette* never, kid

The men in my office be crashing out over printer jams, and I just sigh, fix it in two clicks, and go back to carrying civilization on my back.

Where's this memory loss they promised me?

I'll be right with you, just need to lay here for three or four years and figure out next steps.

[Biker gang initiation] Me: hey fellas, do you use baseball or hockey cards in your spokes

i can never measure spaghetti right

i probably shouldn’t be trusted with the Ring of Power, i lost my wedding ring like four times

Saving money by doing my crying in the parking lot

It's, where is my _______? Not, where's my _______ at?

Not to be THAT dictionary, but… It’s ‘per se,’ not ‘per say.’ It’s ‘dog-eat-dog world,’ not ‘doggy-dog world.’ It’s ‘hunger pangs,’ not ‘hunger pains.’ It’s ‘one and the same,’ not ‘one in the same.’ It's 'buck naked,' not 'butt naked.'

Gaslighting myself into having hope for the future.

WIFE: *reading the news* There was an AWS outage today and the cloud was down. ME: *not looking up from my phone* that's called fog, Sharon

omw to steal your dalmations

I'm fine!

must have been one helluva chase

I forgot the phrase, “I respectfully disagree,” so I said, “You’re wrong, dumbass.”

Huffing a can of fake snow in full view of the pharmacy staff in the big box store

It's the guns 💯%

*lights a joint with your crème brûlée torch

Not anti-social but like Hello..please don't sit next to me.

My least favorite time of year is when its cold and hot at the same time

Being an adult is just saying "I'm tired" in different tones of voice until you die.