I’m in my buys purses to hold my ziplock bagged items era.

When 40 degrees feels tropical, a menopause fairy gets her lei.

Choosing a new porn alias but Philip K. Dick is already taken.

I put the Cristmas cheer in fuck off

I hope you have a good poop today!

him: license and registration, please me: *slides him fish* him: ... me: *slides him another fish* him: have a good day, sir

Shout out to everyone wearing new socks today.

It’s full Clark W Griswold up in this house today

Merry Christmas! 🎄This season can be joyful for some and really hard for others, especially for those missing people they love. Thinking of you today. Hope everyone has a great day. ❤️

merry crowmas and happy hawkidays 🐦‍⬛🪶

still punk, i whisper as i tear up watching the nutcracker

I see that has Santa renewed your passive aggressive membership

On a scale of 1 to an entire tupperware full, with a scattering of fruits. How nuts are you? Be completely honest. You are only fooling yourself. For example, me, I’m a ….

Oops. I forgot the other sock. They come in a pair.

Bah humbug. This is as xmas as I get. Pickles and I are pagan, mfers. Enjoy your carb’n’sugar loading, then hard, hard crash. We will be eating lean, and watching Asian fight flics. Merry grinchmas!

Merry Christmas! Michelle and I hope you have a wonderful holiday filled with light and joy.

you there bird, what day is today? bird: CACAWW CAW CAW CAW

People who don't eat fruit cake won't do that thing you like

is that a banana in your pocket or do we need to get you screened for tumors again

just took my old boss and his wife out for some pizza. he's the guy who got 18 to play golf as well as one can do in 4 years he also took a father figure role when my Dad died 26 years ago i owe that dude a lot more than i could ever offer

ME: do the trains in Thomas the Tank Engine fuck? MALL SANTA: please get off of my lap

throwing some banana slices in my chocolate frosted flakes cuz healthy

When I look at my kids, I think, enjoy your eyebrows.

My wife has been forcing me to give her 8 hugs a day to squeeze the grinch out

My thoughts and prayers to all that have to be around shitty family members in these trying times

I got grippy socks for Christmas. They knew I’d end up committed eventually and wanted to send me with something nice.

People out here griping about their 40s and they haven't even reached the Age of Polyps & Ointments

December Your Mom Memes Day 23 of 25

2026 is already making me tired

A coworker made us all little terrariums for Christmas

you’ve heard of elf on the shelf but have you heard of matthew mcconauhey coming to your house to tell you that we’re all just spirit vapors drifting around aimlessly in the archipelago of our own minds?

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

Why is there no pet insurance for bunnies? Wtaf? $978.00 for 45 min exam. -physical - fluids inj - metacam inj - rx -metacam - enrofloxecin - critical care herbavore

At the emergency vet. The same vet where Mr. Bubby was euthanized last spring after he had a series of almost fatal seizures. Anyway, great vibes as I brought Pickles in coz he hasn’t eaten in 5 days. 🥹🥹🥹

Coffee maker malfunctions, steps in cat puke, signs DNR.

He got a piece to stick to his lip

Just show me your fucking hands!! #HandObsessed

Second red mitten is done!

The war on Christmas has reached the elephant shrew exhibit

Don’t forget that you are in control this holiday. If you feel stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, take a lil time to yourself. Sit, lay down, breathe. Think of something pleasant. And burn a candle, or….

Fat fucking fuckheadmotherfuckerdumbfatdouchefuck

My nephew decorated this Christmas cookie. The eyes are for intimidation.

i don’t repost myself bc if i have to read what i’ve written again i’ll vomit

My wife and I are coming up our 30th anniversary. Good thing my 32yo kid is bad at math.

Sam Elliott has been age 52 for 93 years

Don't these people ever get exhausted with the hate, anger, and negativity?

I hate those people who ride your bumper and start flashing their lights at you like hey look at me I'm driving a police car

When we all get imprisoned for posting I’m definitely gonna be going around the yard asking what y’all said that got you locked up & it better be a banger because that’s how we’ll be establishing our hierarchy

It’s like sex with your spouse in the movies is in slo-mo. All passion like, staring in eachothers eyes, totally in love, feelin the feels. In RL, it’s straight up missionary. 3 mins of wham bam no thank u mam. He’s snoring and you’re firing up the dildo to getter done and have a snack.

20, good grief