Fantasizing about being shot through the eye and surviving.

Walgreens checkers love to make little comments when you buy a pregnancy test.

My man, we have all not remembered how we got to the Waffle House at one time or another.

Launch whoever wrote that new MacBook commercial tune into the sun please.

Fucker turns 86 and then suddenly can't take a joke.

Fired another therapist yesterday. She was wearing a hoodie for session and trying to talk shit about my prescriber, who pretty much saved my life. Bye.

One of favorite HBO series. Definitely doesn't get as much love as Sopranos or the Wire, but holds up much better.

Everyone is super salty on here today. (Not with me - just observing)

Had a 60 year old man tell me AI generated music was art and when I argued he tried to tell me that guitar effects (namely a talk box; Frampton) are also AI so I shouldn't sweat it so much. This is why I don't talk about music with strangers.

Don Henley voice: Out on the road today... I saw a never Newsome Sticker on a Cadillac.

I could probably kill it as a restaurant chef if people were more patient.

$16/hour IF you have 4 years experience. Job market is fucked.

Stole this from my uncle when I was six, right before moving to Germany.

Housemates insisted on salmon tonight.

Embarrassed myself by talking about Kids In The Hall to someone younger than me who seemed to be into sketch comedy and assuming they knew wtf I was talking about.

👈👉☝️👇

A mallard pair have been coming into the yard to get what the birds scatter. It's pretty great.

When you have a great punchline in mind but the foundational context doesn't exist.

When the algorithm hits.

Wipers are a super sweet band. More people should talk about that.

Sorry Soundgarden, but the grass is not always greener where the dogs are shitting. It's far too much nitrogen.

[in a helpful tone to someone who's never heard of Jason Molina before I corner them at a party] so you see Magnolia Electric Co. is colour and Songs: Ohia is black and white, get it?

TVC15 - David Bowie - musicsky - youtu.be/Dh8RDktOdnc?...

Born to get drunk and play records at the brewery. Forced to make risotto for four.

I'm gonna break I'm gonna break my I'm gonna break my rusty Cajun run. I'm gonna break my rusty caaa-jun run.

Currently making pork loin and mushroom/pea risotto for the house.

Anyone from San Francisco? Looking for that Rice-A-Roni spot.

huge chris gaines fan holding his koosh ball keychain up to a garth brooks CD so it looks like he's got bangs and gasping

French restaurant has a $25 burger. Worth it?

Where has this been hiding? music.youtube.com/watch?v=yCJX...

Trying the banh mi at a new place.

Rejection emails really rolling in this weekend. I'd like to thank the once prospective employers for the fun.

La La Lumbago.

Leaning into the insomnia like a champ.

Yes, you in the back with the severe curvature of the spine...you had a question?

This is a true story. When I was 19 I moved from Florida to Texas for a girl I met on mIRC (old school chat rooms). We had exchanged photos in the mail, but when we metbshe was obviously a different person. I carried on the charade as long as I could stand it because I didn't want to move back home.

Turned out ok. Would have liked a darker color on the apples, but I didn't want to over bake the cake. 🤷

Every few years, you should have an actual interaction with a real life human or this might happen apparently.

Making/eating this today...

"I was catfished in 1999 before it was even a thing" is my epitaph.

Milkshake so thick his eyes gonna pop out

The Airbnb we stayed at last weekend had an enema kit in the bathroom cabinet.

This is a man in way over his head.

The humiliation when the barber tries to discreetly buzz your ear hair.

Forgot to change the salutation on the ai generated breakup message for my therapist and now my final message reads: Dear [Therapist's Name], I'm sure that's gonna make her feel great!

Just found out my housemate has been proofing the weekly sourdough loaves in her bathroom.