A good office prank is to walk by someone's desk and say "there's pizza in the break room."

Lee Fields for that good classic soul sound.

I know I'm hitting my target audience cause the likes are coming from accounts with "balls" in the handle.

Charon is so Internet pilled now, you gotta give him five likes and a repost to get across the River Styx.

Y'all ever done cocaine in a bowling alley?

Sometimes I'll Google some random wack ass name to see if there's anyone out there with it irl and the answer is almost always yes, with some pretty sweet obits attached.

Secret twin brother Mick McConnell.

Ok, who died in they sleep?

New therapist this morning. The only one to mention Bipolar in her profile and not just as one of 67 specialities.

"Divorcedcasting" is what we call that.

Want to eat a $120 ribeye at a table for one. "Who's that stranger?" They'll say.

Alt text only affects me when I can't tell what toppings you got on your pizza! Do better!

Shout-out to the manager of this establishment for drumming it out to Collective Soul on the bar right next to me with that cucumber. That was not weird at all.

Tomorrow may never come. music.youtube.com/watch?v=x1My...

First sign of mania is thinking you're not a total piece of shit. Be you.

Sports over means bars are safe for me again!

To Matt Tillos: a Love Letter

A GoFundMe was started for her SIX DAYS ago. Very sad news.

Aaron Rupar watching the freak out during the 2016 election cycle:

Fuck street magic. I want some street science. Just someone with a hat out showing off some sweet experiments, educating babies on the avenue.

Shit was raw in the middle. Just cook food good that I pay you for. THANK YOU

Every dog answers to "dick nose."

Andy's Chest Transformer Lou Reed 1968 youtu.be/F5Wxi15x7ss?...

I'm going to eat a Good pizza today or else.

Was going to go back out to the Co-op but feeling a bit faint. It might be the heat. This little sunflower isn’t used to it. youtu.be/_5Ktv_RaI5s

Brisk.

Gonna reduce myself to my most basic elements and see if that works.

My old boss didn't give a fuck about your personal business, so if you tried to lay a sob story on him, he'd interrupt you immediately with finger guns and a "well, you look great!"

Was looking into buying a calf farm, but it's a bad time to invest in veal estate.

Drank a quantity and felt nothing.

My skeet when I hit post.

I REALLY want to go to a small club hip hop jam.

I'm 6'5. The guy bartending is 6'9. Freak Show! (I never get to say this)

Check out Mr. Corporate Shill. Ooh - OH - OH He got some wild Wild Life.

Man, fuck a gondola.

I want to keep riffing in your comments, but I don't know you like that. -Reply Guy's Lament

Do you get drunker faster at higher elevations and other questions that will be answered today.

That thing where they put your body on a raft and push you out to sea and then an archer fires a flaming arrow, setting you ablaze and AI Obama sings amazing grace. Funeral director: no, we don't offer that.

The Salad Days.

So another person irl and, holy shit, they're just like you and me. Seemed real down to earth too.

I miss when weed got me high and was fun and not just a thing I use to ward off panic symptoms to the tune of $400 a month.

You can't kick me out of your improv theater cause you don't like my audience suggestions. Just stop calling on me!

Tenet just never actually happened, did it?

Once I was fucked up so bad that I told the doctor I didn't know who my girlfriend was while she was in the room and asked for Philicia Rashad.

How bout an Odyssey in Modesty?

What's the Skeetquency, Kenneth?

Just heard a bit of the new Quicksand. Why does it have to sound like all that other shite that's out now. Triggered fake ass sounding drums. I want to hear the room!

If I could make a decent biscuit, I could conquer the morn.

Genuinely didn't know anything about a speech until this very moment. Thank you everyone.