Sorry I was gone from here for so long. I was on mood stabilizing drugs but don’t worry I’m back to myself again.

Neil's mom: Close your eyes and wish on a falling star. It'll come true. Neil deGrasse Tyson, age 6: Literally every part of that is wrong.

Department of Your Mom

I’m afraid that if I relax my shoulders, my head will fall off.

Goodbye, spaghetti that fell down the side of the stove. We’ll meet again one day.

A fart so dank, you stub your toe on it.

If you reskeet any of my skeets you're already winning

Joke’s on you - I like finding out.

Cobwebs are just goth tinsel.

A cluttered house equals a cluttered mind and i have shit everywhere

"I'm not overcaffeinated!" I said, as I was jogging the block in my sleep.

Times are tough and money is tight, but telling stupid fucks that they are stupid fucks is still totally free.

- I love the sparkle in your eyes. - It’s anxiety.

You really shouldn’t be so upset that I deleted you from my contacts. I only did that because I couldn’t kill you.

Gonna clean out my 401k and buy all the tickets I can for Powerball. 😂

Cheers to 57 🎂

We should probably all stay home from work tomorrow right?

He was humiliated last weekend. This weekend he bombed someone. My guess is there is a relationship between those two events.

Is this because his stupid birthday parade got ruined

I’ve got nothing. Tapped into every known trauma and repressed memory and still coming up empty.

(signs off each shitpost with CORDUROY CHEDDAR, SHITPOSTER OF THE BLUESKY!)

Hat Chris. Like regular Chris, but with Hat.

I’m so behind on current pop culture. “Here’s Coco Melon Cupcake Dinglehopper wearing Sliminnie Flingbop Cerberus couture on the red carpet.”

I just walked into the men’s bathroom and saw a bunch of men standing at the urinals. I shouted OH MY GOD and turned to run out but I somehow got my backpack stuck on the door jam so I shouted OH MY GOD again and I’m just hoping some of those men thought I was complimenting them.

cauliflower doesn’t deserve you heathens.

On Juneteenth, we celebrate Black freedom, resilience, culture, and the enduring strength of community across generations. We acknowledge our nation’s full history and the long, ongoing fight for freedom and justice for Black Americans.

If FedEx tracking tells you it's arriving sometime today, that means tomorrow.

Just call them and tell them they’re a little bitch. No context

On Juneteenth, we celebrate freedom and recommit ourselves to the work that remains undone. We remember that even in the darkest hours, there is cause to hope for tomorrow’s light.

I dont feel like being funny today. You guz take over for a bit.

"Cry harder motherfucker!" *a single shard of ice falls*

Can any of you please remind me what the 3rd thing is that I need from CVS.

Don't take to me til I've had my morning cup of mushrooms and collagen

Gonna start a dog walking business and destroy the competition by saying in my ad that I'll let the dogs sniff without yanking them away, free of charge. 🙄

Other than complete organ shut down, I don't really have a five year plan.

Someone should invent a person that is sitting on my lap and giving me little forehead kisses while I prepare cocktails and snacks

I was just like Whoever is playing music on the jukebox in this bar really knows what music I like! And my husband said Hi, hello, I have been playing the music since we walked in here.

Of course I’m rotting in bed all day how else am I supposed to morph from a caterpillar into a butterfly

I was not prepared for how many people attended my class at the community center on Look at This Cool Stick I Found

I am rapidly morphing into the old guy in the celestial robes that is wandering around the Farmer's market selling his foul smelling tinctures from a cardboard box strapped to his chest since he didn't want to pay for an official stall.

I keep neglecting Questlove and spend too much time on Sidequestlove.

do I really wanna disassemble, clean and rebuild the washing machine today?

Wake and bake We in the streets bitches

Just opened a beer with a lighter, still got it

Discussing penis size in great length doesn't make them any longer

My Mother: Pull your bikini top down a little Me: Mom, under boob is in style, it’s how all the cool girls wear their bikini tops now My Mother: You’re 56

I drove so much tonight at work, you'd think I went somewhere. And I got a headache from it. Ugh.