Cheerios should be called “Oops, all buttholes”

I often consider not using social media at all and then remember there are maybe two people that I like here still

my lack of interest is acting up again

Being 47 means I can say things like 'Linda Ronstadt is punk as fuck' and pass a polygraph.

Every day, I am more and more certain that the internet was a fucking mistake.

made the mistake of signing up through a travel agency just to look at jobs and have already received two texts and three emails

Noon (ish) tune 🎵✌️

According to my brain it’s antisocial Tuesday

I wonder what Justin Bieber is doing about this

My skill set is fuck this.

the nightly trust fall that putting my head on the pillow means sleep will come

It’s important to have a backup personality.

started carrying a pair of gloves everywhere, in case I have to slap someone’s face with them

I hope my new therapist thinks I'm funny, which is the most important thing in therapy

It makes sense that the solution to treatment-resistent depression is medical-grade disassociation

Oh you can call me Chad, only my parents call me a problem

My "psychiatrist" wants me to stop being so "self-aware"

Men are so cute with their unnecessary nips

World Autism Awareness Day. Seeing the world differently doesn’t make it wrong...it makes it unique and beautiful. Awareness opens the door. Acceptance makes it a home. Inclusion makes it possible to thrive. Some minds don’t need fixing, only understanding, space, and love to shine. 💙

Hey quick question guys, is there ever a time in my life, no matter how happy or sad or young or old or settled or unsettled I am that hearing Black by Pearl Jam will not absolutely rip and ravage my beating heart from my chest and devour my soul whole? Just wondering.

A 🧵 At 15, when I started playing the double bass, pop taught me that there were 'no' great women composers because only men could write great music and at the time, the Berlin & Vienna Philharmonics only allowed men membership - further proof. It all started to implode when

My mind won’t settle on a mood, so I’m just gonna be in all of ‘em

I think I’m close to finding out if I can die of boredom

It displeases me greatly when streaming music skips like my old portable CD player

I’ll give you my beeper number so you know it’s real

america is weird

Dear Diary, I ate carbs today but I still chose violence.

getting in early to set the mood for the long weekend by adding even more cheese to my shopping list

I'm the LeBron James of having autistic meltdowns over mundane tasks

Please don't make me listen to Imagine Dragons, TIDAL. I've already suffered so much

Making my kids watch desperado so I can show them who puss in boots is to me.

Nothing illustrates the extremes of the human condition quite like the internet

I’m body positive that I don’t want to be at work today

i’m just a girl, standing in front of an open source platform, asking someone to hit her in the head with a hammer

cliff notes for reading the room

All of my posts are about you

they should give you chips and salsa when you have to wait at the doctor’s office

I could get a lot more done if I had a sword

Block him. Wait. Throat punch him first.

Behind every good woman lies a roiling, bottomless pit of the souls of condemned men

I love spring: green everywhere, flowers blooming, baby animals frolicking..demons hatching beneath the soil, clawing through layers of dirt and rot, teeth gnashing, sight- less, opalescent eyes recalling the beauties of hell while aboveground children sing and build their pyres🌱🪻

"Winter is the violent howl of the wind, and the gentle susurrations of snow falling, seductive and soothing, urging you out into the white void. A scream and a whisper, and the continual drip, drip dripping of the faucets, left on so the pipes don’t freeze.....

I put the fun in "there's something wrong with her"