I should give away some of these posts I’m not using anymore.

Sick of only listening to one Good Kid EP at a time? Me too so i fixed it you’re welcome music.apple.com/us/playlist/...

why was i so worried about quicksand as a kid when riptides are a thing

It’s your dysfunction, you earned it. May as well have fun with it!

I made my dad afraid of me and that’s definitely going on my resume.

Channel someone who gives a fuck

You know it's bad pizza when it comes with dipping sauce

How dare you give me the tools to help myself.

Sorry I said your boyfriend looks like Baron Harkonnen. It was childish & wrong. He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

My coworker smells like farts and has the personality of a fart and for these reasons I will be going home early today.

Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

This holiday season get bangs, everyone is too stressed out to judge you.

IF MY HUSBAND DOESN'T RESPOND TO THIS SKEET IN THE NEXT HOUR TELLING ME NOT TO, I AM BUYING AN ELECTRIC FIREPLACE.

the prophecy says you have to shut up now

Me, five minutes after leaving the house: I have made a terrible mistake and must return to my nest immediately.

love isn't only for our partners and relatives. love is for everyone. love is unlimited, and love is free.

Saying stupid shit on the internet hasn't fixed me yet, but mama didn't raise no quitter.

You don’t need to be your own worst critic. Give Yourself a five star review and tell everyone to suck it

🎶every jizz begins with jaaaaayyy🎶

Throw away last year’s holiday wrapping paper before this shit gets out of hand again.

Trying to grow out my hair again. It's at the stage I'd call pompadour + beaver tail mullet + Lego hair.

If you’re trying to go grocery shopping with me you better be wearing running shoes. We are not slowing down.

Shoe post.

I didn’t always have a beard but you have to go way way back to find photographic evidence (1997)

My toxic trait is I will “just one more time” myself to death

This is an honest to god (literally?) real life person’s Facebook profile picture. I put the emoji over her face

Main dish or GTFO

Do not settle for these Victor Frankensteins. You deserve The Monster and you know it, queen.

Do you ever say out loud to a mother deer “Why are your kids in the road? Why. You’re over there eating leaves and Bambi is in the middle of the road.” I do.

It's that special time of year when nights out often end with someone giving you game meat just killed that day out of the back of their truck

Can't wait to see what kind of extra unhealthy coping mechanisms I'll develop to make it through the holidays

the early bird gets the worm and so does the late bird, birds love worms and there are a lot of worms

Don't rly appreciate the word "miracle" being used in the title of skin care products

Shop grenade. It’s for emergencies.

Three months no weed and I’m still weird as fuck. Good to know it wasn’t just from the weed.

I would be the loudest librarian

Someone needs to take your phone away.

Me when the coworker doesn’t put tools away after using them

You can't hurt my feelings. I'm a December baby.

One of my female ancestors pushed a man off a cliff when he got too handsy, if you were looking for some inspiration today

Idk why, but the guy at Starbucks looked at me weird when I asked what kind of dog they put in their pup cups.

Ok so the “rear wiper” button in my car is not what I thought it was for

What’s the matter babe, you’ve barely touched the new female accounts here on Bluesky

Cocaine so white it runs the whole country into the ground

Why does everyone hate lazy people so much? We didn't even do anything.

I respond to all group texts with “don’t come in here, I’m pooping”

doing the R2D2 scream at my cousin’s funeral

They call it “personal growth” because other people’s growths are disgusting.

International mens day? sounds like woke nonsense to me...

This holiday season get your family some fucking help