I'm an addiction specialist but I absolutely support recreational drug use. Get some.

I dreamt a few of you were planning to meet up and you invited my sister instead of me. Hurt my feelings. She doesn’t even go here

I think I scared my only reply guy away. Now what

Hamburger Help her get access to a safe, healthy abortion.

I WILL DRESS A SALAD IN A THREE PIECE SUIT, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Hamburger Help her establish an alibi.

the trash compactor in this garbage truck looks like it gives really good hugs

Not speaking ill of the dead is so dumb. I honestly can't think of a better time to speak ill of anyone, ever.

I thought I was going to eat a chicken pot pie, but it actually seems to be full of lava and I’m in danger

Nissan Assfinder

To clear up any recent confusion: I wasn’t flirting with you, I’m just awkward. I didn’t realize you were joking in my comments and replied weird because I’m awkward. I wasn’t subskeeting you, I was saying I’m awkward.

creamin’your jorts doesn’t have the same ring

Started the Diablo 4 diet last night where I don’t eat at all because I’m playing video games.

There are days that I find it necessary to eat two cookies for lunch. Today is one of those days.

Say what you want about Stephen Miller, but he can really get behind pregnant women.

I am diagnosed with OCD but I don’t mind when people say that the minor tics they have are “OCD” because I also say that about my minor tics.

Same thing we do every night, Pinky. Binge watch a comfort show and disassociate.

It’s strange to be self aware of the fact that self awareness may eventually kill me. I’m gonna get some ice cream.

Trying to refer clients out to therapists who are *also* losing their fucking minds is tricky business guys.

You ever make it to the crossroads in your life after keeping your head down, and doing the 'right thing', and discover that everything you worked for wasn't meant for you at all?

We need 1000 reboots of ridiculous shows such as Jackass in which bros are doing stupid stunts and pranks instead of being toxic to women and other humans

I haven’t lost my mind, I very intentionally set it down somewhere I knew I would forget it.

All churches smell the same. Like wet dogma.

Cheerios should be called “Oops, all buttholes”

I often consider not using social media at all and then remember there are maybe two people that I like here still

my lack of interest is acting up again

Being 47 means I can say things like 'Linda Ronstadt is punk as fuck' and pass a polygraph.

Every day, I am more and more certain that the internet was a fucking mistake.

Noon (ish) tune 🎵✌️

According to my brain it’s antisocial Tuesday

I wonder what Justin Bieber is doing about this

My skill set is fuck this.

the nightly trust fall that putting my head on the pillow means sleep will come

It’s important to have a backup personality.

started carrying a pair of gloves everywhere, in case I have to slap someone’s face with them

It makes sense that the solution to treatment-resistent depression is medical-grade disassociation

Oh you can call me Chad, only my parents call me a problem

My "psychiatrist" wants me to stop being so "self-aware"

Men are so cute with their unnecessary nips

World Autism Awareness Day. Seeing the world differently doesn’t make it wrong...it makes it unique and beautiful. Awareness opens the door. Acceptance makes it a home. Inclusion makes it possible to thrive. Some minds don’t need fixing, only understanding, space, and love to shine. 💙

STOP USING SPOTIFY, DICKHEAD

Hey quick question guys, is there ever a time in my life, no matter how happy or sad or young or old or settled or unsettled I am that hearing Black by Pearl Jam will not absolutely rip and ravage my beating heart from my chest and devour my soul whole? Just wondering.

A 🧵 At 15, when I started playing the double bass, pop taught me that there were 'no' great women composers because only men could write great music and at the time, the Berlin & Vienna Philharmonics only allowed men membership - further proof. It all started to implode when

My mind won’t settle on a mood, so I’m just gonna be in all of ‘em

I think I’m close to finding out if I can die of boredom