Texting my wife that if she needs me I'll be chugging eggnog under the mistletoe.

You have the right to remain sexy, don't change.

sorry for my behavior recently im undiagnosed with something

Oh Christmas Tree Oh Christmas Tree, my shed's to full to find you.

If she don't tell you that you have Turkey giblets in your beard is it even real?

"That's it, slather and baste it like a Good Girl." -Me encouraging my wife on Thanksgiving

Normalize glazing the Friendsgiving ham with awkward eye contact.

The Government isn't shutdown anymore, which is now the perfect opportunity for it to shutup.

I hate to see Christmas coming the last couple of years, can somebody cancel Santa Claus? I'm sure he's done something shady over the last 1000 years.

Everytime I heard the word foliage this time of year, as a kid, I always thought my family was just really impressed with tin foil.

Trunk-or-treat sounds more like a kidnapping propostion.

Today at the self-check out, the scan gun started ringing and I had a flashback to 1998, then answered the damn thing.

Would you like some scorn with that Scone?

People keep telling me that I should give straight, black coffee a chance but why does it feel like I'm being set up for a date?

If you show me a picture on your phone, I'm swiping left to watch you panic.

I bet Netflix has it right, these serial killers were just charismatic romantics who just made a few mistakes along the way.

So far this week online, I've learned that pumpkins and cool air activate feral witches.

Stop panic skeeting or I'm taking your phone away.

Raptured mid-intercourse = the ultimate edging

Probably my favorite greeting when arriving to a gig is "who hired you" or "nobody told us anything about that"

Churches could at least be serving rapture scones and coffee.

The Rapture is happening tomorrow apparently, so if you don't wanna go, i highly recommend chaining yourself to cinder blocks.

Early Gym sesh 😴

Hope you find everything you are looking for in life, especially that tv remote that you haven't seen in 6 months.

*Pressure washes timeline for 12 hours*

My mom is a boomer so if she sent me 70k text messages it would take her 70k years to send them.

Waiter: may i recommend the steak? Dracula: you may not

"I'm not overcaffeinated!" I said, as I was jogging the block in my sleep.

My Onlyfans would be called GrannieFans and it would just be me sharing anecdotes from my teens in the 80’s.

the problem with aging is that none of you seem to be able to read my bangers

Drinking a pumpkin spice latte and haven't been called a basic white bitch yet.

It’s almost Fall, so be on the look out for well-dressed families wondering through the woods with photographers.

We the people demand a decent hug emoji

Humidity is trying to come back this weekend in the South, we need a cease and desist!

I carry around a little bottle of cayenne in my backpocket for when the latte isn't spicy enough.

“Do what you want,” she threatened

I'll continue to never be fully impressed until they start selling actual Barrels of Crackers

That little guy from the Crack Barrel logo is enjoying his retirement on a boat somewhere while y'all argue.

The internet is encouraging me to slander Cracker Barrel but that Chicken Fried Chicken has my undying devotion.

The more country music I listen to, the more I realize, I'm not drinking enough beer.

Whenever I do any electric work I make involuntary monkey noises

If you’re not summoning vampires to your door are you really playing the blues

80 degrees and like 115% humidity feels like drowning

What’s the matter babe, you’ve barely touched my posts today

So tired I put the dropoff in school dropoff.

You put the soft in Microsoft Teams.

My favorite afternoon activity is a nap during coffee.