If anyone is going to be near Orlando this weekend, my friends are having their 11th annual free beer fest. It’s free, and the people are pretty fun.

If anyone is going to be near Orlando this weekend, my friends are having their 11th annual free beer fest. It’s free, and the people are pretty fun.

I know I seem like so autonomous but I'm actually partnered with refraction of light so let me run it by the old prism first. Hey bendy straw sucking the crazy light outta me, more like dispersing my will amirite

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix mugger: no i mean- me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital

why stop with time? we should also turn our scales back 10lbs

Sad my kid’s cute little goth friend didn’t notice I reorganized the refrigerator.

The air fryer doesn’t turn off when opening the door anymore so I have to unplug it or be real fast.

If you use medical marijuana and lose all feeling in your mouth, be sure to ask yourself if you recently used maximum strength sensitive gum toothpaste.

If anyone has a dairy problem, Reese’s Pieces just reformulated and the new ones don’t have any milk. 🙌 Check your packages though.

Updating my cv and since nothing matters anymore thinking about including Expert in Beat Saber.

what is the formal job title of personality hire

back when the economy was better phones had clicky home buttons

hope these light photons find you well

I, for one, welcome our new inflatable frog overlords.

LET'S FUCKING GO

I'm like 36% sure it's Saturday

ME: if frankenstein is the name of the doctor not the monster then how is the bride of frankenstein the bride of the monster not the doctor CHATGTP: *implodes*

I love when they put blankets on baby elephants when it's cold out it is my favorite shit

Excited to have my birthday on the same day that giant comet alien ship deploys itself behind the sun and destroys us all.

@marioncofldems.bsky.social how much is it to do something like this on billboards near the mall? That vitamin shoppe corner always has a ton of traffic.

Be mysterious. Be mysterious. Says a million incredibly stupid things.

Is it pie season yet because I really need some pie

That guy who threatened to release Mike Johnson’s Grindr information but instead just raised a ton of money should be shunned off the internet.

Remember that week a couple months ago where we were all so happy and excited and thought he was dead.

Think I may be the best at imposter syndrome, but not sure how I would know

So much exploitative consumerism but still no Cadbury Cream pumpkins.

Overwhelmed with internal screams? But have you considered starting a course?

you're telling me these sausages are made out of vegans

More like crapture amiright

Not enjoying any of these news stories, bring back the evil clowns

I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

have i told you all that i am proud of you today? because i am. you’re here, you are you and that’s the best thing i could have asked for. so thank you for being my favorite version of yourself. 💛

FREE THE OLD GODS FROM THEIR PRISONS we scream as we rip open all the cereal boxes at the Seven-Eleven and pour the cookies on to the floor.

Is the Wallflower’s song Three Marlenas about the evil twins on Days of Our Lives?

*inventing clam chowder* Hey guys, you know those slugs that live in the rocks on the beach? We should put those in some kind of hot milk soup

None of this would be happening if Harambe hadn't died

“Down with the establishment!” I say, while silently critiquing Gen Zs terrible production quality.

SEAL: But did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can't be seen? OPTOMETRIST: that’s not supposed to happen

This is why elder millennials look so young.

Nothing makes me want to slam a kitchen drawer more than accidentally slamming a fork in the kitchen drawer.

When your husband makes you stay awake to watch a very late sport on tv but instantly falls asleep as soon as it comes on.

Why do we always have to dial area codes now, even in the same town? I just want to call my drugstore not another state.

Forgot to buy bacon hope you like peeled hotdogs.

Sept 11 - Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday 9/11/2001 - 1/20/1953 = 7910048 7+9+1+0+0+4+8 = 29 = 2+ 9 = 11 1+1 = 2 number 1s = twin 1s = Twin Towers

Hope the cat happily takes his pill tonight.

Joke’s on you, bills, you’re getting left in the car.

Is it pie season yet because I really need some pie