I'm being lectured

You won't commission an Etsy witch cause "it's silly", but you'll decorate a dead tree inside your house with lights and ornamental animals? Okay. Guess you hate women in the workforce.

Just inside the Kansas border from Colorado is a town called "Kanorado." If I was rich, I would establish a town on the Colorado side of the border, call it "Coloransas," and then spend 24-48 hours shelling Kanorado with heavy artillery

every time i see Mr Beast i involuntarily mutter "urgh" and take 1 HP damage

i don't think your loan is getting approved

I would live in a wasp nest if there were no wasps there. And it was Unusually large.

There’s something about the positions this guy assumes

The numbers 10-99 are called "the double digits". Memorize them. You don't want to be the guy at the party who's never heard of 57

He thinks he's going to get my ice cream sandwich.

being attracted to men bearing all the classic markers of ill health and weak constitution is simply a reflection of my high breeding and refinement

Took the cats out for a walk with my brother and accidentally created a 90s Britpop album cover

Flailing my limbs around for exactly ten minutes before bed to induce the dreams wherein I get to be a space octopus

"Your outtie posts nearly humorous things on social media to the delight of several."

Designer: all right Mr. Del Toro here’s those Frankenstein’s monster designs, real sexy just like you asked for. Del Toro: (nodding) this is exactly as sexy as I asked for.

🔊

Don't learn things the hard way. I learned that the hard way..

this stare intentionally left blank

They only have four strings so they should be called ‘ivolins’. Thanks for reading.

Boy, if we were seahorses, I would get you *so pregnant*

rewatched midsommar tonight and tbh buxmyndig being referred was the creepiest thing in that whole film

BOXING REFEREE [pacifist]: guys stop

Practissing my Howlerween stance

celebrities out walking characters they’ve played instead of their dogs: thread

im being gangstalked by the consequences of my actions

"we cannot express our regrets profoundly enough, but it is our hope that you will use these two free passes to return to jurassic park"

2Smart2Tuff

YOU CANNOT GRIND THE BONES OF YOUR ENEMIES INTO DUST TOMORROW IF YOU DO NOT TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS.

Witnesses Assumed Charlie Kirk Shooter Was Just Ordinary Gunman On School Campus

he died doing what he loved most: not preventing easily preventable gun deaths

Now that Disney owns Fox, which means they own the Alien franchise, I can't stop thinking about how the Alien Queen is now a Disney Princess/Queen.

Washing instructions are stupid. You're going in the washing machine and you're gonna deal with it.

is mayor mccheese's head an actual cheeseburger? or is just a coincidence of evolution?

i constantly think about this post

Sure, calling them travel writers is fine, but I just feel that ‘journeylists’ would’ve been so much better.

we’re about to see a second wave of teen reddit atheism the world has never seen before

just now realizing that dumb is a palindrome

ME: why are you holding a strobe light? WIFE: it’s a mood ring

the problem is that if I say something back to you then you say another thing and then I have to think of more things to say back and it’s just not a risk I am willing to take ok

It's a confusing time. I don't even know who my real imaginary friends are anymore.

My boyfriend's body is machine that turns 𝕥𝕨𝕠 𝕖𝕕𝕚𝕓𝕝𝕖𝕤 into 𝕣𝕖-𝕨𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝔹𝕣𝕚𝕕𝕖𝕤𝕞𝕒𝕚𝕕𝕤 (𝟚𝟘𝟙𝟙)

witnessed a young couple at the beach, both insane baddies, each with complete focus on their separate magazine of sudokus and the aura was palpable, the couplest of goals

Keep your friends close & your enemies between your friends. Arrange the table like this: friend, enemy, friend, enemy, Timothy, etc.