I hate taking a selfie only to remember I'm 20 years older than I thought I was

Cruising my TL, which is a mutuals feed, the only one I use, and I see a post by someone I don't follow and they don't follow me. Hey Bluesky, what the fuck is this shit?

I wish I came home to you

Starting the day off right by going for a walk, against my will

My dog thinks that it’s time for shenanigans so I guess that’s what we’ll do

Goddamn but I enjoy some of you! (not you, sit down)

Being nice is getting me nowhere from now on I shall be evil instead

I feel like I could sleep for a week straight and still not be rested enough

If you love something set it to music.

death by microtransaction

Every joke I make is a reflection of a real life situation and not at all imaginary I hope this helps

My sexual prime is between the hours of 10pm and 3am.

Coffee with the hint of shut the fuck up.

If someone puts energy into dragging you down remember it is likely because they are beneath you. The real power comes from lifting people up.

i should probably stretch first

When someone asks a question that makes the meeting last 15 minutes longer

I’ll press like but I will most certainly not smash that subscribe.

It breaks my heart when people can relate to my posts. I mean, what sort of chance do they stand?

Can’t right now, I’ve almost figured out the key my tinnitus is in

“How to stop an overflowing toilet” should not have a 30 second commercial before it on YouTube.

I long to leave this pain and run to a humble hovel deep in the wood if only for a single second to smile in a place where the world cannot see #vss365

[road trip] DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom. ME: *pulls into rest stop* DAUGHTER: Thanks. ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes. DAUGHTER: I will. ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once. DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother. ME: Exactly.

Universality is overrated; I’d rather be irreplaceable to one than indistinct to many.

END SIMULATION END SIMULATION!!

one two three not it

The cicadas are so loud you cant really hear yourself think

y'all gone hafta quit makin' me look up all these here words

It sucks being the same age as old people

Once I start an OnlyFans, it’s over for you bitches.

I wish I had "Fuck You" money.....Le Sigh

If a yawn was a state it would be Ohio.

one day you’re drowning and calling it love, the next you’re on the shore blinking in the sunlight, wondering how the hell you let it go on so long

There sure are a lot of scholars on here, huh?

Solitary? Don't threaten me with a good time.

If they can't be bothered, dont bother.

I have my limits. I'm just about over all of them.

Some people are so amusing in an absolute dumbass kinda way.

I swear I just heard Godzilla outside my door...

Not all decisions need to be made immediately. Just wait and remind yourself to breathe

My daily mantra? Just one word -- choke. It's not for me though. It's for other people.