Taylor Swift please stop putting out albums I’m only on 1989

As a fan of both the Bears and Notre Dame I’m not feeling great these days but the Cubs magic number is now 3

I would kill for a Strawberry Passion Awareness right now

RIP Charlie Chaplin you would have loved Michael Jordan’s 2010 facial hair

People don’t have stuff up the wazoo like they used to. or the ying yang

It's just easier to keep things light. We have enough serious stuff to contend with. Like butthole-eating bacteria.

Scheduling my best skeets to post after I'm dead in the hope that they're better appreciated in memoriam.

Tastee-Freeze Manager: "Mr. Mellencamp, please. I've asked you politely multiple times to please not do that in front of my establishment.

Memento Maury: remember that you ARE the father

Spent way too much time worrying if certain family members liked me and not enough time realizing that I never liked them anyway.

the girl with the grover from sesame street tattoo

I just hope one day I finally believe in something as deeply as my dad believed it was his duty to save the world during the apex of his aluminum can crushing period of the 1990s

Jfc. Turn off the news and go outside

There’s more than corn in Indiana cause we got all these crazy armadillos now for whatever reason and they just walk around full of actual leprosy so yeah I’m tired of this shit luck

sometimes you have to post a joke or reply that probably won't land, but you just gotta get it out of your system. sometimes you just have to release your demons

Turn that frown upside down Perform wildly unethical plastic surgery

met an Egyptian today. they don’t walk like that

Melting a quart of ice cream and eating it like soup

Did that guy even have a permit to open carry a sandwich or do the rules just not matter anymore

I never wash my fruit before I eat it and I refuse to use two-factor authentication, so yes you could say I’m a bit of a loose cannon.

in hell they make you sign into your streaming accounts using your remote…over…and over again

Phil Collins would know what to sing in this situation.

If you're not shitposting with me, I have to assume you're shitposting against me.

I am contemplating cats in ways some of you couldn’t even consider humans.

so we shitpost on, skeets against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the louvre

If you ask me to help bury a body, please know that while I don’t have great upper body strength or endurance, I’ll totally be your hype man, sitting at the edge of the open grave as you work, confirming you did the right thing and that you’re doing a great job digging that hole!

I was at the park and saw a bunch of mallards in a territorial fight really going at it so I guess you could say I do in fact know what it's like to have ducks in a row.

I don't think I can say this in a way that makes more sense but the 90s were the last decade, everything since then has just been a loose collection of years and soy sauce packets and a bunch of maybe dead batteries. We’re truly living in the junk draweriest of times

A guy in my neighborhood got shot with a starter’s pistol. The cops think it was race related.

I didn’t ghost you. I just live in a timezone where I’m asleep.

You’re at the top of my list. I won’t tell you which list, but you are at the top.

Just saw a guy at the library wearing a Hawaiian style shirt with an upside down pineapple motif but I think he’s just a guy who likes tropical shirts and he’s not about that life at all. Just a relaxed guy who reads books and drinks pina colada’s on Saturday’s in his neighbor’s garage tiki bar.

half of my bucket list was inspired by windows wallpapers

This is where my posts come from:

I refuse to observe National Financial Awareness Day on the grounds that awareness of my financial situation is responsible for 90% of my chronic stress.

I just bought one plum and the cashier made me feel weird for paying with my debit card like what am I some kind of grandpa with $2.42 in change clanking around in my pocket get over yourself Amanda.

Tried to make my own sea monkeys but these chimpanzees just won’t stay under water.

I beg your pardon, Mrs. Siegel.

Are Gen Z doing upper deckers or is pooping in the water tank of your best friend’s toilet not a thing anymore because millennials were doing upper deckers all the time and they were just a thing we did like tag you’re it haha pooped in your moms powder room.

Fuck this Laredo, Texas heat. I just saw a bird blowing on a worm before eating it.

Most folks don't know that if you try to deposit Kohl's cash at the bank, they have to clothes your account.

So it turns out that I’m ‘even just laying in bed for too long in the morning gives me a bad back’ years old.

so, you wanna try and bring these ovaries out of retirement

Can anyone live in the sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Good morning to everyone except my uncle Mike who abruptly stopped sending me a hundred bucks on my birthday because apparently only kids need money like whatever dude have a nice life with your bags of money

bunnies have burrows in the earth specifically to avoid emails

I went to the pierogi stand today and they were sold out before I could get to the front of the line. Carry on.

Maybe if we had drafts, I wouldn’t need to post 10 skeets in a row

I keep tabs on an alarming number of AM radio hosts for a sprite lad of 39.