i just fell out the overton window and broke every bone in my body

they're making me the commissioner of baseball

finish the frog status update #3: i regret to announce that i've hit some delays on the finish the frog challenge. i'm working overtime to try to deliver this in a timely manner, but it is looking like a quarter 3 release with my updated forecasting

the fondest memories i have from growing up are being forced to explore different career options

remember the 2024 olympic opening ceremony, where gojira performed their version of Ah! Ça Ira, a song of the french revolution

where do you think dave grohls hero was going to? the grocery store?

hey girl, i couldn't help but notice that the apple of your eye got a worm in it

the film industry is always trying to give me a behind the scenes look. but i don't want a "behind the scenes" look. and quite frankly it's none of my business

quiet on the set. everyone on the set, shut the fuck up

been workin on the railroad a little bit until john henry beat my ass

i been workin on the railroad a little bit

i like the movie shrek, but it's kind of presumptuous of donkey to think shrek had all of the ingredients required to make waffles at his swamp. shreks diet consists mainly of things like slugs, onions, swamp rat. sorry, i can't really look past that. i don't think the movie shrek is for me

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just got a recall notice for my toyota revelation. something about a 7 seal door lock failure. ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

real gamers have an rgb oven light. i would know, my cousin frank has a green glow emitting from his oven, and he's a True Gamer. he made me my lunch earlier today

using an energy weapon on my enemies to the tune of the double jeopardy sound

i lost the nuclear lunch codes

don't tread on me. don't fart on me either.

i don't want to be made into a delicious beautiful soup

tomorrow they're going to reduce me into a thick soup

they put a content warning on my life for smoking and fear

i think jeopardy is kind of a boring show. it wouldn't be that bad if i didn't know the answers all the time

i have an idea. i'm going to need someones likeness for it. does anyone have a likeness?

ICE killed another Minnesotan. there is video and it is very bad. www.facebook.com/share/r/1aPB...

they shot someone else. just now. few blocks away it's war

ur a worm i'm a bird, i'm gonna eat u up

computers used to be magical, we had web portals and install shield wizards. shit

reply with a one word comment and i will use it to make you a valentines day card on 2/14

they ain't gonna let you into the pink pony club. youre red. and you a big ol dog, clifford

thinking about having a conniption later. i don't know, we'll see

they're abducting me into the rock and roll hall of fame in cleveland ohio

bro the grass just died on the other side

let a mother fucker fly

Ah 2016 the year I decided to get serious about my spin attack

i'm comin out of my shell only for a moment, I need a 𓆉 l̴i̴t̴t̴l̴e̴ s̴n̴a̴c̴k̴

so go'on and go and uh, you know. make your self uncomfortable

10 Ways You're Using Blue Sky Wrong and 37 Other Reasons To Kick Me In The Balls

pushed the pedal straight to the floor, flying off the exit ramp in my 202666 Toyota Revelation

i don't think i would like to meet hopper from a bugs life in person

If you have an outdoor kitchen let that sink in

her: he must be cheating him: managing inventory in speranza

tonight i'm getting baked

Show me the car's facts, Animal.

how long has it been since you told an old person not to forget to turn caps lock on when using a computer?

just got kicked off the Night Mail by skimbleshanks the railway cat, the cat of the railway train

hey girl, i've noticed you've been dwelling in liminal space, is everything ok?

about to hurl the schoolhouse rock through a window

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