good morning

when i ask my son. why did you get a b- on your spelling test? he says to me. father. it's because i spelled lif without an e. because lif is never completele that's right son. that's right

came up with a cool super hero idea. fire girl.

my science experiments have not been going well lately. oh well, you know what us scientists say

mindfulness but it's just chill guys being mindful

you want my honest opinion? sorry, i'm a true liar

bowling alleys would be more popular if the shoes didn't make you look like a weenie

they're putting smoking sections back in restaurants tomorrow

don't ever tell me my post has been sent

everything i've ever said has all been social commentary

Free Games Online

thinking about mother nature's big backyard

i'm entering my collosal fuckup era

when i die bury me in my joker boots

saturdays are for going apeshit for a while then chilling out and getting yourself a little treat

the joke i'm about to tell contains profanity and should not be read by anyone under the age of 12

i heard the voice of god and i wasn't very impressed

who else up wondering what hell hath in store?

some people can't help it but to throw rocks into the water. me? i don't care about that. knives though? i see a knife, i throw it. can't help it. doesn't matter where. banquet hall. throw it. ceremonial knife. throw it. machete. close enough, throw it.

throwing knives? what other kinds are there?

can someone teach me how to be impersonable?

hey man with the violin you're kind of ruining my Vibe

nancy drew penises on my casket and I'm Not Even Dead Yet

fiddler on the roof of my 2008 Pontiac Vibe

anyone have full access to the full article?

preparing for midlife dino crisis

when i was born they wanted to call me tingleberry crispé but the hospital wouldn't allow for it

let's turn off all the lights and laugh at the expense of god

they're revoking my special clearance tomorrow

thanks for attending my seminar, let's get started. now i know why you're all here, you're interested in becoming more assertive. and frankly, that disgusts me. why don't you all get out of my sight? get the fuck out of here

thanks for subscribing to my mailing list. assertiveness tricks and techniques weekly to your inbox. for week one, let's start with something easy. next time someone says "the pleasure is all mine" try saying very firmly without breaking eye contact, "actually, the pleasure can be shared between us"

wearing my anal prayer beads to butt church

top sexiest thomas tank engine characters #5 clarabel

i don't believe in anything. except for the ghost of chef boyardee. that shit's real

maytrix: 5. tennable edition laurnc fishbourne as: the one pigeon as: habinger 2011 / 203 minutes. ddirect by brindron. fraster

Doctor says my eye twitch is probably just my brain trying to create its own inclement weather

my therapist says i'm a troubled king

coating myself in a nice seasoning for bed

fate is a cool mistress

next arbor day i think i'm gonna reset my skill tree

yeah, i'm a little camera shy. i'm one camera shy of being a proud camera owner

i got my head so far up my ass i can read my own genetic code

they're giving me special clearance

taking off a mermaid's algaebra with one hand

you ever do things to embetter yourself as a way to procrastinate working on yourself then you accidentally trick yourself into making yourself a better person?

when i die i hope i'm hot and funny

i'm trying to enter the kingdom of kevin