been re-watching scrubs i think my favorite part is the beginning of each episode where jd sings the intro song

tides of the planet of the apes: primates of the caribbean

i don't know who needs to hear this but there's no michael

Got my dad’s ass with the Michael prank 😂🤦

i just entered my third trimester of college

guys i just realized something. this goes way deeper than anyone could have ever thought

pulling out my compass at the local costco as a wayfinding technique

still pissed about that time when i died and they put the ifunny watermark on my obituary photo

had exactly enough money to get two shoes from the shoe dispenser. the second one got stuck though. can't do much with one shoe. i guess you could say i'm... waiting for the remaining shoe to fall down

someone, please. rearrange me.

having some braised knife tips for dinner later. nice applesauce too.

i wouldn't lie to you guys about anything or make shit up ever

wheeling a giant cart of lettuce and a big trident up to the hill giant got me feeling like the bugs in A Bugs Life no lie

they're granting me special privileges tomorrow

Invented a new cable, what's a cool ass name, how about ░e░t░h░e░r░n░e░t░

break me in half

if you ever see this man, do not harm him. and yes i am very familiar with the rule of thirds

my foes might tell you i need to put all my ducks in a row. now listen, i'm going to put my ducks wherever i damn well please

she's lying in wait for me? i don't know what that means but i can't wait to find out 🤤

just realized, if jesus was "born" twice, and his parents aren't together, that means... 4 birthdays? that slick mother fucker

the boys are back in town, but every time he says it he's a little less enthusiastic about the whole thing

i'm going to need the emoji kitchen to get to work on this guy 🫪

thinking about releasing my inner voice later. probably won't though

don't give me the soup of the day. give me the soup of a lifetime

babe what's wrong, you've hardly touched your no-bake worms in dirt pie?

hearing noises while home alone 💓😍🥰✨🎊💕💋💘🥳❤️‍🩹🫦💦💞🩵💝

i came up with a guy who is cool and chill and gets along with everyone

captain: i'm afraid we're sinking. there's enough lifeboats for everyone aboard. as for me, i'll be going down with the ship. me: me too i'm also going down with the ship

pulling up to monster jam in my monster sedan. it gets decent gas mileage

happy friday, here's some criminally underrated hardcore

just read some of the most depraved shit you couldn't even imagine in the library of babel

hot ones, but it's you and me and we each drink four beers

yeah so i'm a people person, by definition

for my next trick watch my slow collapse

crying my eyes out signing legal documents (living today like it's my last)

going up to the moon to get some fresh air

ask your doctor about men of pause. some secret society or something

Flushable bath towels

gross and repugnant people disgust me

they're popping off right now in champagne chat

you make 100% of the shits you take - dwayne "the rock" gretzky

sky captain and the world of tom

i'm over the moon. you heard that right. i'm fuckin sick and tired of the moon.

just promoted myself to the head of internal affairs from within

there's nothing more prestigious than being a street magician

drake bell wrote the song bodies by drowning pool

been done. done bin. call it. study the beans.

good morning, i've been up since 1990 and never went back to sleep

hey i updated the font on your typewritter for you. hope you like wingdings