5 guys? you mean me and the four horsemen of the apocalypse?

anything can be trebuchet ammo if you want it to be

where are all my Hell Wishers at?

i am very danger

angels on hornseback. sounds like a drug but it's actually an hornderve. ok next one. spring breakneck speed. sounds like a drug but it's neither drug nor hornderve, i made that one up

i sleep with a medieval flail weapon ever since i was piledrived through my coffee table by the ghost of christmas present. not really looking forward to the ghost of christmas past coming this year. if that doesn't make sense, i'm sorry i can't explain the complexities of time traveling

ʙʀᴇᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴏᴜᴛ 𝓸𝓯 𝓶𝔂 🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱 🧱🫷👁️👁️🫸🧱 🧱 👄 🧱 🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱 🄼🄸🄽🄳 🄿🄰🄻🄰🄲🄴

let's walk down the low road together

trampled my ass with the horse you rode in on

primal scream therapy in my area intermediate primal screaming techniques pontiac dave's best fall squash soup recipe

raw dogging life by only using the "i'm feeling lucky" button to search

some of you should really be asking yourself if you should be posting that on the internet. the answer is yes because it is awesome

putting twelve go-gurts into a caulk gun before i hand it to you and tell you i'll be back in an hour

asking all the wine moms at the wine bar if any one wants to buy me a drink

good morning does anyone know why i'm here

find dog who teaches -magic- find him /

sometimes i imagine some unforseen cataclysmic event happening like some giant chunk of space debris crashing into us at a speed faster than light, killing us all. if something like that happens i hope i'm doing something cool, like finger guns. or winking at a hot babe

the worst thing you could become is shadow bland. no one will even acknowledge you anymore

hey girl has anyone told u that u have the devil's eyes? what have u seen?

i hate to break it to you but i'm no longer with us

bug cemetery

has anyone seen the wandering dudes?

i get adjudicated at noon

the bread slicers union just put out a contract for my death

i wish they'd put both ends of the bread slices at the bottom of the bag. just as a backup option that you can evaluate based on its freshness, if or when you get to that point

chewing on some bonk choy

i do my best coding when i take the smallest hit of a joint and play this in the background

sometimes i want to talk about normal shit, then i look at myself in the mirror and read my neck tattoo: "never break kayfabe". and then i remember the vics vaporub incident and how it's still on my permanent record

i'm sticking a thermometer up my ass and i'm naming my band whatever the reading is

zac elfron hubbard

just listened to hella good and thinking gwen stefani could learn a thing or two about breathing into the mic from tay zonday

when i am dead and gone i hope they put pepperoni and cheese on my tombstone

i love feasting my eyes on an absolutely massive buttress. nothing better than a thick and sturdy buttress am i right

i call this strain "one hit wonder" bc ur gonna take one hit and wonder

i'm so tired right now i could rest on my laurels

everyone knows that one girl, you know the one. who's always sharping her blade against the whetstone

they're making an example of me down at radiator springs

they're beating my ass with the ⚠️Warning Stick🪾

my only regret in life so far is that i never made a vampirefreaks account while i had the chance. that and the whole vics vaporub incident

porn deserves more engaging storylines, which is why i'm getting drunk and writing the screenplay to one about an art heist and a museum security guard who really really wants to cut corners, but really really can't

i'm looking for a PSYCHIATRIST 🔽 specializing in THE SUNDAY SCARIES 🔽 find help ➡️

that girl got big elbows (noodles)

crackalack jack and the magic sack

i'm out of my misery, going to go get some more does anyone need anything while i'm out?

bringing my mangonel to tomorrow's show and tell

grocery stores should have pit stops for when your cart needs a little tune up

the 100 emoji was supposed to be for when you get really good grades. now look what you've gone and done with it

time is evanescence

considering getting into baseball. where should i start?

that girl got gas station crab legs