Some people paint their loneliness in a pastel watercolor wash, they hint at it. I wield it like a sledgehammer; expressing my gratitude to someone like this: "I appreciate you hard. SO hard." It's mainly stupid, somewhat effective. I double blink and resume my day. Age does have its advantages.

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

Running on dips, desserts and alcohol for 72 hours so pretty successful Christmas so far.

I sent you a bouquet of pudding cups, please respond

Is it weird that none of my neighbors are strange squirrel on my shoulder: I don’t think so

It appears to be snaining. Pick a lane, clouds

Whoever invented the wrench became a tighten of industry.

(wearing quite a large hat) Future’s made of virtual insanity, now

The only DM that fooled me was a fake account of my state's governor who opened with, "Shawty what that thang do" and of course I accepted it because I am active in politics

getting put on a government watchlist for saying “sharing is caring”

dracula that guy sucks

why they go all the way to jupiter to get stupider when they can just go Online

art is cool. just do whatever the fuck. it might turn out good

not every part of me is for everyone some pages of my book are open some are kept close for a select few souls some are buried deep in a murky bog down a path off a road that’s not on any maps

After a long day, I get in the shower and squat like some kind of protohuman searching the shallows for crayfish and make grunting sounds while the hair conditioner works its magic

I refuse to weigh myself so I just let my tubetop do the talking.

my new year’s resolution is to make more questionable life decisions

I get home from my journey to the Sirulian ocean, which I created by the way, only to have a kettle on the boil and my picture frames dusted. Who dares keep my place nice and tidy? I thrive in a good mess. But also please make sure to clean the window sill

The moon in the window with miles left to go.

no plans means no plans to cancel

I watched a woman hauling ass to catch the subway yesterday puke on the ground in the middle of running, without stopping, and goddamn, she made it.

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

you remind me of this memory I never had

Sure you can invite more people to the plans we made two months ago. The more the merrier. Also I'm not going now

the art of letting whoever think whatever

I'm in a great mood and I'm gonna make it everyone's problem

There are many things I like about winter, the holiday lights and cosy fires, hot cocoa and making snow angels, but my favourite of all is how I can see my breath escaping my lips. It lets me I know I’m not dead yet.

Me: Is that a social cue? You have to tell me if it's a social cue

An empire built on the small victories of surviving to the end of the day.

Me: [gets a hippopotamus for Christmas] My cat (staring at his litter box): wtaf

I always knew I’d grow up to be awake in the middle of the night

What does a cat do on its day off. It can't lay around the house, eat and sleep. That's its job.

After yesterday's humongous feast, I said I was never eating again... that was yesterday. I lied, apparently. *burp

playing tug a war with my thoughts and letting go of the rope

Filtering the noise of the past out of the music and claiming these songs as my own

Seeing a woman who only had one Barbie when she was a child receiving a brand new Barbie just like the one she had 40 years ago for Christmas did more for me today than anything else

there is too much internet

"Remote start," tech nerds?!! How about "remote shakes all of the snow off like a wet dog," smart guy?!?

I hate watching a series where the cute little kids grow up to be obnoxious adults. It's almost too much like real life.

sorry your star wars references were lost on me, garth skywalker

as if myrrhy christmas wasn’t right there

Got lectured for never having seen It's a Wonderful Life. "It's LIFE CHANGING!" But I'm mostly living one, I shrugged.

I like to play this game while I walk my dog in winter. It's called Snot, Snow or Tears. Answered in response to: What's on my lip?

The existential crisis I face during the week between Christmas and New Year's is figuring out which damn day is garbage day.

Today's bird report includes cardinals, tutted titmice, juncos, Carolina wren, chickadees, damned starlings, doves, assorted finches, and two types of woodpeckers.

All I really wanted for Christmas is for MS to honor their threat of no more updates.

Either you're enjoying yourself today and having treats, or you aren't enjoying yourself and need treats to get you through it. One way or the other, indulge yourself.

A toy replica of me with my dad bod. An inaction figure, if you will.