2027 here I come

I’m still writing anno domini 1620 on all my checks

I don't need a reason to piss my pants.

<innocently whistling>

*wakes up screaming*

That time of year when we welcome the new year… only to curse it in 6 months.

first poop of this year was better than the last poop of last year folks you know what this means

Whistling along to War Pigs with much vibrato

2025 was the worst year *so far*

I'm dreamy in that I don't make sense and people forget me five seconds after I leave line of sight.

them: you want to pregame? me: what games you got?

True Detective but it’s just me walking around my house trying to figure out where the dog shit smell is coming from

Cockfighting isn’t just sadistic and cruel, the ticket prices are completely outrageous.

If you shit your pants at 11:53 PM then you can go into the new year with shit in your pants

I'm kind of a big deal in the julie community. 💅

Shitposting in 2025. Shittierposting in 2026.

never thought about who i was kissing at midnight because ive been making out with your profile dolls for months.

I wish I was alone with lasagna so I could just eat and then go to sleep until it's another year.

Like sand through the hourglass, these are the skeets of our lives

yayy another shitty year wooo

Eating my weight in jalapeño poppers

My New Year's Resolution is Pump up the swagger. All the way up.

im telling the guy stabbing me to just get to the point

the basket of garlic bread stays on the bed during sex

Ra ra Rasputin! youtube.com/watch?v=z2s7...

The end is nye.

did you want me to bring anything over tonight? food? drinks? napkins? a sword? vengeance?

Also please remember to wash your butthole before midnight. You don't want an unclean butthole going into the new year.

Sister.. hey mom do you like Cheeze its. Mom..do I like Jesus. Why? Me..Its Cheeze its not Jesus. ☠️🤣

I have ingested the cremini mushroom and patiently await her cosmic teachings.

like my new car? it came free with a criminal investigation

honestly all i want for 2026 is for my brain to not feel like shit half of the days, ya know?

*wakes up covered in babybels*

If my dating profile comes off a little desperate, I beg you to ignore it and give me just one chance whoever you are.

We call them cat toys but how do we know cats aren't like, "Aw, man, I just laid down and the human's getting out the feathers on a string, I have to go to work."

he’s only a 4 until you see how clean the inside of his microwave is

report any and all suspicious movements *i raise my hand* not bowel movements *i lower my hand*

Is six months too long for a belated birthday card?

Not to alarm anyone but my vagina is a portal to the Upside Down

I've never faked an orgasm but I have faked my death a couple of times.

I don’t have my ducks in a row. I have geese and they are hostile

Sorry can’t talk. I’m cataloging my book library

My birthstone is this old Tums I just found under the sofa cushion.

just farted so hard it echoed in the toilet bowl ama

your love is like a gentle laxative, a gentle laxative is what i need

Christmas is a year away and people already have all their Christmas stuff up.

With my staggering 91% survival rate, you’d be a fool to hire another dog sitter.

The only mid-size SUV with a thick Irish accent: the Nissan Brogue.

Uber Eats for half a sugar cookie