Binge breathing.

my father was a famous pepperoni salesman

You’re telling me a banana made this bread?

I don’t get why we say “sleep tight.” I’m sleeping loose, floppy, and aggressively horizontal.

It was only embarrassingly recently that I realized the song Coconut wasn't describing a turducken type situation.

a lint catcher for my belly button

just cut off a cybertruck on the freeway, for all of us

When people ask why I eat my peas with a knife, I tell them that it's a Julie thing. It makes sense because that's my name.

laser ham therapy

it’s probably cringe to call something cringe by now actually

you’re at totes i need you at magotes

“You wanna piece of me??” *hands you his ear*

*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

the important thing is that Waldo finds himself

*surreptitiously adding pulp to your pulp-free orange juice*

I just started casually reading a book about male bighorn sheep, but I got sucked in, so now I am on a ram page.

The worst part of an annual physical is the bloodshed.

DIVORCE ATTORNEYS HATE THEM! find out how they beat the odds using this ONE WEIRD TRICK!

I loathe you! <slow wink>

found an old grocery list.

Im hyped up on sugar..outta my way bro.

Rage motherfucker 🖤

I reposted you. Show me your butthole

Don't hate the player, hate the game, I mutter quietly as I finish all the food in the break room refrigerator, and start scavenging desks for prescription meds

*packing a bowl drunk* This'll *hiccups* help

Roadhouse is set in the Jumanji universe.

Multitasking. What a crock of shit that turned out to be.

*impales himself with toothpick while hastily eating a club sandwich*

Going paleo with my dental care

Woke up naked at the zoo again

When a booboo comes along / you must kiss it

Have you tried filling your kitchen sink with warm soapy water about it?

*during sex It smells like my mom in here.

If I ever offer you ham and eggs for breakfast, just know that what you’ll actually be getting is a handful of uncooked oatmeal and a glass of hot water.

Well slather me in marinara and call me pasta

Lady and the Tramp with ribs

“I’m jazzed up on Diet Coke,” he said middle agedly.

Mom! The bots are replying to my skeets again.

It was the Christopher Guest of times, it was the Fred Durst of times

so lazy I only drink screw-top wine now

*starts watching in the 8th inning* Go Dodgers!!

Can’t right now I’m inflating a giant Pete Hegseth in my front yard for Veterans Day

The amount of candy I ate yesterday would have been fatal to a child or lesser man

I've officially entered the "find a candy wrapper in every pocket" phase of the grieving process.

You can pry the Oxford Comma from my cold, dead, and third adjective hands.

😱🎄💀

some of you have never had to pay consequences for your actions and it shows

The aristocrats!