If you're my friend and you talk to ChatGPT to solve your problems, please don't tell me. I don't want to know that about you

There's a joke here, I just can't find it

Sorry I unfollowed you I didn't like you

I only send nudes via Morse code

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Trans ideologies? Like what? “Trans lives matter” Or “I just wanna live, man” Or “I’m just human” I’ll give you some trans ideology. *vulgar gesture*

(making friends at the bar) It's only college football 🙄

I always fly Frontier, because they are more fronty than other airlines

When Beowulf found himself in a pickle, that’s when it turned from classic literature to Vlasic literature

Every morning I rise like a zombie auditioning for a role I don’t want.

A complete Philly cheesesteak falls out of my bra. TSA agent looks at me, I look at them, they silently nod and wave me forward

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.

On a plane and it's time for the Pick Your Nose During the Entire Flight Challenge! Never heard of it?? Well get on board, the kid next to me is a pro

Yankee Doodle's hat was the original macaroni art

We're hiring! Well, we're not hiring you, since you're probably seeing this post while goofing off at your current job.

Is this anything? The Boobadook

Him: Flash me a smile. You're prettier when you smile. I coyly part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

the existence of mosquitoes implies the existence of mosquifingers

Classical chickens be like *bach, bach, bach*

Just once i'd like to see two mimes having a huge argument in a library

I may get canceled for saying this, but I think boobs are neat

I got dog called while waking past the construction site. They yelled "here girl!" and threw a tennis ball

"Your boobs look different, like they're not twins" buddy they're not even cousins, I don't know what to tell you

God knew that if He gave me even boobs, I’d be too powerful

Went for a hike, it wasn't bad at all

Whoever came up with "penny for your thoughts," "don't nickel and dime me," and "another day another dollar" sure knew how to coin a phrase.

(First date) Him: I want a relationship without any games Me: (furiously trying to shove candyland back into my purse)

What do people who say "please and thank you" do with all the time they save?

I'm like an ancient Greek statue: broken, but still standing, and so old I can't remember where I lost my penis

If you’re wearing more than 2 articles of clothing at this point in the evening, you’re doing it wrong.

It's with a heavy sigh that I follow you back.

I’m trying to get into her pants (I am a leg)

boobs

Look, @cratemade.bsky.social turned me into a cartoon! 🥰

Going to get a facial today... this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Pumpkin spice is so good. They should make a pie that tastes like that

I think I speak for everyone when I say: boobs yes

What I say: I’m wearing nothing but panties What I mean: I’m wearing every kind of panties you can imagine all at once. Panties of all types hanging off of my arms, around my legs, layered over my head; the eldritch abomination that Victoria has been trying to keep secret for so long, free at last

Thought I was depressed. Turns out I just needed to watch the asshole who cut me off in traffic get pulled over by a cop.

Really, Google Gemini can do everything? Then let's see it fuck off

would you hold my apple while i go down on you? i don’t wanna get it dirty

Holding a party where we paint each others fingernails. Mani-festing.

But what if I don't want a nothingburger? Maybe I'm in the mood for a nada tostada

My mom taught me to tip an insane amount. When you think about it, maybe the people who don’t tip an insane amount are the most insane of all…? Thank you, Mom

comparing AI to immigrants and people of color is some dumb motherfucking brain rot ass shit

Thursday vibes

This poster is supposed to show a person throwing her arms wide in joy but the cropping makes it look like they're her legs & she's showing the clouds her womanly glory

What's wrong babe, you've barely asked for boob pics all week?