since i couldn't [REDACTED][EXTRA REDACTED] i painted my toenails

have we thought about turning off the human race. just turning it off. don’t turn it back on. we know what the human race is capable of and we should stop that immediately

Still riding the high of telling a girl to sit on it and rotate and watching her oblige with a smile... 30 years ago.

"Okay say when" *me stabbing you*

Are you telling me a Luke warmed this water?

Cry me an atmospheric river, why don't ya

What doesn’t kill you makes you spicier.

BREAKING: Area Man With Tattoo That Literally Reads “This is a Nazi Tattoo” Insists That He Wasn’t Aware That It Was a Nazi Tattoo

Narrator: and that's when everyone realized Kore was fucking tired of being interrupted....

It's not just the straw placement , but it's that "Your move" look on his face

damn Dante, this inferno is lit

There's an angel and a devil on my shoulders at this exorcism, and honestly it's super awkward.

Signs from the universe would be better with subtitles.

Singing Pretty Baby by Vanessa Carlton to me cat

Never tell her to just “go with the flow” when she’s on her period. I know this now.

OLIVE GARDEN WAITER: *grating cheese* say when TRICK OR TREATER: uhh

Wanna play hide and not seek together. <flirting>

Oh, your life has gone exactly as you planned? Eat a dick.

Left: all children should be loved, educated, fed, and protected. Right: burn every book except the Bible and if a child is shot and dies then they did their civic duty to protect our 2nd amendment.

Toking the tokes and drinking the cokes.

No one gives a fuck, Charlie Brown.

Just spit on a fly, it became a "flew".

FDA advises parents to expose their babies to vaping so they don't become allergic to it later in life.

If you start talking to me about Dexter, I need you to clarify whether you're talking about the vigilante serial killer or the animated kid with the laboratory because I'm ambi-dexter-ous

Don’t you hate it when your inner monologue gets rudely interrupted?

This email could have been a go fuck yourself.

Canceling my give a fuck subscription

I'm going to regret this... - Me, getting out of bed every day.

I read your skeets out loud in a voice I perceive to be yours.

I mean, cheese is smart but I wouldn’t call it a whiz.

Have authorities checked the British Museum for the stolen jewels?

I need a Halloween costume. Anyone know where I can find an inflatable sense of self worth?

when shitposters get married, a reply guy has to be the best man. i don't make the rules

How about a government shut UP instead?

*looks around* ok so I don't think the "cry it out" method was the way to go

american news is like a mad libs where all the parts of speech are slurs and nazi regalia

I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge, but I hope it rains on your viking funeral.

It’s okay to repost… this is a safe space.

Who called it explosive diarrhoea and not fartistry?

A wise man once said "you little stupid ass bitch I aint fuckin with you"

Demolishing my underwear for some ballroom

Can’t, visiting some sick friends this evening. ::: logs onto Bluesky :::

My nephew (20) is sitting in front of me spewing conspiracy theories and I'm wondering how long until my brain implodes

Good news: living "forever" becomes increasingly attainable as the end draws near!