life is too short. remind everyone how much they better not post mf’ers face in your replies.

If any of youse has stuff needing to go to the trauma dump, I’m heading there later

I've earned 2 blocks and a good poster list addition today and I haven't even posted. 💅

You only reskeet me when you’re naked

Sorry. No carpe DM.

Oh that prescription you take rectally. <evil grin>

Two, four, six, eight, how do we dissociate?

📣📣📣

I don’t want much. Just constant validation and someone to play with my hair.

umm, flying kites are fun and frankly i find your insult pathetic

I know I'm depressing. I'm very self aware which makes me depressed.

if we could just get the politics out of politics

sippin hot coffee outside in 60 degree temps, small joy unlocked

traffic should just move faster

If Pepperidge Farms remembers every god damn thing why aren’t they in charge of reminding me shit?

The algorithm just showed me a video on quantum physics and entanglement theory and I’m so flattered it thought I’d understand all that.

it’s like they say: a woman needs a man like a country needs a warmongering serial killer pedophile for a president

We're all spiraling, you're not special. -me, to me

I'm sorry to inform you this day is going rather poorly ~ an autobiography

asking websites to verify they're a computer before i enter

When you block me I make a funny little noise like a bluetooth speaker disconnecting

Probably should've laid off those edibles before I did my own taxes. A side note however...I'm getting back twelve and a half million dollars.

does anyone know what time it is or what's going on

Embarrassed that the automatic paper towel dispenser didn’t wave back.

After I leave here they’ll find me down on the corner, out in the street with a group of moots.

After I leave here they’ll find me taking turns jumping over a bonfire with a group of moots.

After I leave here they’ll find me playing Russian roulette with a group of moots.

You look happy and have your life in order. Blocked.

on international women’s day we should be able to kick two men in the balls with no questions asked

I tried to post something that makes sense, but the plaid bears drinking Zima insist that I type that we should stop cutting the cheese. It has feelings as well.

*Arriving at crime scene Detective: Looks like we have a jumper Me: No that’s definitely a romper she’s wearing

When we get that hour back on the fall, we should get 15 minutes interest. Maybe that's what Warhol was on about.

I know I'm old now because when someone asks how I'm doing I tell them the truth without mercy

You ever just sneezed and hurt your back? ...Yeah, me neither.

my weeds are more colorful than theirs, and other pep talks I give myself

I make adjusting to daylight savings easy by getting absolutely shitfaced.

I dunno, living behind a brick wall in somebody's basement sounds kind of relaxing.

if you don't take on me, do you even a-ha

wearing my women in stem t-shirt on international women’s day to celebrate the fact that i was given that and a reusable water bottle instead of equal pay

You have to make it to fall if you want that hour back

IT'S FINE, YOU CAN HAVE IT, I DON'T WANT IT. ONE LESS HOUR TO BE SAD ANYWAY.

I appreciate it when my team listens to me and plays better after I yell at the tv from my couch

Happy international women’s day to all the women! I look forward to dancing naked under the moonlight with you tonight

just threw my Apple Watch across the room when it told me it was time to stand, in honor of every woman who has been told it was time to do anything, ever, by anyone

If you liked hot yoga you're going to love moist pilates.

I like to celebrate international women’s day by making out with my girlfriends

okay yes I read the invite but this is my wedding hoodie

I submit that the records concerning who saves my posts be unsealed by this court