Lou Bega: I like Angela Angela: well that’s nice Lou Bega: Pamela, Sandra, and Rita, and as I continue you know they’re getting sweeter Angela: hold on now

ME: I’m not really into horror scenes or melodramatic roles, I can’t cry on command and I definitely won’t do nudity KFC RECRUITER: ok

for a second i thought i hit a deer but fortunately for me it was just a car dressed up like a deer

*Anthony Kiedis, sitting down to write Give It Away* You know who I hate? The Kaiser.

Just found out my husband has been using Viagra for the past two years. I’m taking it real hard

can’t stand the mona lisa. I hate it when women smile. What’s so funny? My tiny penis?

My moon conspiracy theory is that every astronaut who sees the Earth from space immediately says “That’s a spicy meatball!” and NASA is covering it up.

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

Swiss Army Knife French Navy Fork Italian Air Force Spoon

Olivia Nuzzi won’t see your jokes, but your friends who have affairs with 70 year old presidential candidates who eat road kill will

Many "American Psychos" can trace their ancestry to immigrants who came through Bret Easton Ellis Island.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings. Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms. Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.

6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down

Aunt Alice: the food in this nursing home is so bad I’ve gained 7 pounds. There’s so much kale! Me: how did you gain weight eating kale? Aunt Alice: because I’m forced to order pizza when that’s what they’re serving

i don't understand why they're called the toronto blue jays and not the toronto baseballs. i'll never understand it. same with the dodgers, they should be called the baseballs too. more people should be like me and speak out when they see that something is wrong

I’m going to get a lot done today or fall asleep trying.

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card

When a chair hits your eye flung by some burly guy, you’re on Maury.

Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

sheet music is like the exact opposite of an audio book

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.

Just bringing this back to the timeline because it went away far too soon.

DAD: son, don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do KID: okay DAD: *slams table* what did i just say

Me: *killing time at the mall* Hey man, anything in here going cheap? Bird store owner: *cocking shotgun* Get out.

Yeah, I'm a fan of A24. A24-year-old movie called Little Nicky.

when there's a little pepper growing inside a regular pepper i call it an ectopic pepperancy. everybody hates it when i do that.

WIFE: [holding our new baby] Aww look at him. He has your eyes. ME: Only one of those things is possible right now, Sharon.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

Who decided to call it Epstein Island and not the Pedoph-Isle?

[trying to butter up the judge in the courtroom] Your honor first let me say you have a beautiful home

They should invent a stuffed animal that doesn't whisper sinister coded instructions to you at night time

[gets arrested] Me: [lifts up testicles, crouches, spreads cheeks, coughs] My god this is so demeaning Cop: We didn't ask you to do any of that

“before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” honestly why? I’m only going to need the one, for the guy I’m getting revenge on

[being murdered while wearing a hard hat] murderer: (murdering) me: why aren’t you stabbing me in the hat

I’m petrified about today’s science news. Genetically modifying crabs to have cheetah genes? This could go sideways fast.

I want these but for my enemies so they know I’m still holding a grudge.

Not much for conspiracy theories, but I don’t believe Nancy Reagan was real

ChatGPT is down but The Museum of English Rural Life still stands, proving once again that Silicon Valley cannot compete with the history of rural England and its people.

why is the president the only person testing the limits of his power? everyone should see what they can get away with. what if zookeepers gave helicopters to gorillas? nobody has tried this

you don't see husbands realizing they forgot their anniversary and searching for a gift and seeing the necklace their wife wanted in a window for $50 and pulling out an empty wallet and moths flying out and then seeing a poster that says "BOXING MATCH FIRST PRIZE $50" and saying "hmmm" much anymore

funniest thing happened at work today: turns out my unorthodox methods, once considered dangerous and heretical, are the only strategies that can save us from an enemy whose tactics are, some might say, as unconventional as my own

[first date] WAITER: *places check on table* ME: please let me pick that up DATE: oh ok thanks ME: *picks it up and hands it to her* you're welcome

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.

DOCTOR: so what brought you in to see me today ME: my legs and before that a volkswagen

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend] HER: Aw, this makes my day. ME: It makes everyone's day, Sharon.

And this owls eyes……. they represent the breasts of the waitstaff, yes?

Some say the world will end in FOIA Some say in ICE