In a fast German car I'm amazed that I survived A chicken saved my life

🎶CHICKENS, CHICKENS! CHICKEN OF PUPPETS I'M PULLING YOUR STRINGS! CHICKEN YOUR MIND AND CHICKEN YOUR DREAMS!🎶

You know that means that not only is this post about me, but basically any song with a two-syllable word in it...

You really can replace just about any 2-syllable word in just about any song with "chicken"

i am so sick of the dumbest people alive being in charge of everything and the second dumbest people alive writing opinion columns about how it's good

Tupperware is great for when you want to throw your food out on a different day . . .

forgetting the word Domesticated and telling people at this party raccoons have gotten "more coachable." at some point i start adding "over the offseason" which i don't think raccoons even have yet

The hospital is spicy today already and no amount of coffee can save me now

So Wagotabi, a language learning game I gave myself for Christmas, has fully cracked to code on me the same way DuoLingo did: by making this shit competitive. My favorite minigame is "Saeki's Kanji," where you match kanji/hiragana/images/definitions. Determined to get in the top 500 globally.

You don't owe anyone online anything. Except me. You owe me $20.

My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

good morning only to people who have received a consequence at some point and understand the concept of it

good morning to everyone out there except people who are speedrunning the downfall of society

I'll never forgive crypto bros for making con artistry so boring

Am I fun at parties? If you're interested in the latest suicide stats or facts, or mayhaps a spirited conversation about how Jesus was the first documented case of schizophrenia, then yes, super fun at parties

hey i noticed you don't matter, i also don't matter. would you like to start an inscrutable public beef?

omg everything is so awful go get a library card and kiss a dog

We're all just sausages waiting to burst from our casings and rise to the Kingdom of Heaven.

logging on

that’s one long mermaid

I want a new year...one that does what it should.

I can't be mildly amused until after I've had some tums

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

Email from landlord riddled with typos. “premisis” “dammage” “mesh lab”

the torments continue

I gave up, but in a hot, mysterious way.

gm but only to other people injured in the night by sleep

"That's nothing, you should see my dicks!" -A hydra

"What? Ew no, I just want you to jerk off on my eggs!" -The first mermaid to talk to a sailor, probably

i think 2025 felt like having rabies

An ashtray, but to tap off cookie crumbs in between bites.

If daylight savings had kept up with inflation it would have been tomorrow yesterday

I bought my wife an O. Henry book for Christmas and it turns out she just sold her eyes.

I can’t believe we have to smuggle our own news in from Canada now.

from the Women Builders of the Metro series — Alexander Samokhvalov, 1937 Oil on canvas 45,1 x 28,2

I quit my job today. Shit, that felt great.

Strangely frustrating and invigorating to play a highly praised video game that's good but any time anyone opens their mouths think, "I could write this better"

You will be visited by 3 ghosts

There's no way that's all Mariah Carey wants for Christmas

15 days left to lose 2 stone, learn spanish, and master the trombone.

I hate Greek mythology, it's always been my achilles elbow

*Mission Impossible theme music intensifies*

OK so 3 Body Problem (the show) went past the end of the book, made up some extra stuff and... ...now there's going to be another season? And the Game of Thrones guys are in charge of it? It'll be fine, it's fine, right?

The gingerbread house kit said “For Ages 8+.” The icing tube exploded, a wall collapsed, and I muttered words that would get an 8-year-old’s mouth washed out with soap. Now my 4-year-old is in the next room, cheerfully singing and rehearsing her new vocabulary word: “Ass… hole.”

i just yell 23 skidoo back at them

Genie, pinching the bridge of his nose: let me get this straight, your wish is for spoons not to splash you when you’re washing dishes and that’s your only wish? Me: i mean it’s a pretty big wish