You know Autocorrect has gone ‘hAIwire’ when I type “lost a sock” and it changes my correct phrase to “listened to a sock.”

I could write haikus About thinking of breakfast But I’m too hungry #haiku

Interviewer: great resumé apart from the typo. It says you have exceptional people skulls lol Me: *holding up two skulls by the eye sockets* meet Richard & Clive

Today's world? Looks almost like a haunted house...

Dark sarcasm keeps me alive.

Sanity? That is something what still exists???

Mama told me not to com[ment]

I’m not awake enough to provide joy & inspiration to you yet. Try again in 5 hours.

Marriage has taught me that "we" need to take the trash out, but "I" forgot to put a new liner in the can.

That crisp, cool air is nature's way of saying, "Your shorts were a stupid ridiculous choice today." —Message received.

Method acting for my upcoming role as Mothra

She says our relationship is developing "rich, earthy tones." I think that's the polite way of saying at our age we're just composting now.

Probably about the dumbest decision you could make today is reading this skeet and thinking "interesting, followed" *click*

THUNDER! The loud kind. The kind that lets you know a tree fell in the woods while no one was around, yet EVERYONE heard it.

Calling in to work raptured tomorrow

Next week we'll be told frosted pop tarts cause femboys

Look just let me caress your soft skin with my calloused hands as we breathe in the scent of decaying leaves ok

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

that moment when a pet realizes you're leaving is so tender bc it's like i really am your entire world 🥹🥲

If a man can’t be gentle with smaller beings, he can’t be a man.

“We could do this the easy way or the hard way.” Me trying on jeans in a store. (I’ll show myself out.)

AAHHHHHH

Yes, Virginia, there are reply guys here, too.

Comfort AND joy? In this economy??

Reverse clowngirl, because I’m being very serious

Reality needs an opt-out feature. I'd like to finish things in a fantasy world.

My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn't understand how cars worked before...

Why is it a “hemi”sphere, but a “semi”circle?

when your mom's father gets a makeover call him a Glampa

I drop my phone no less than three times each day

my guess is it’s gonna be a Spirit Halloween

When I was growing up if someone told me they butt dialed me, I’d have thought they were incredibly talented.

Okay, I’ll bite. What is a Reddit?

gravy as a weapon

It was the worst of times, it was the worstest of times.

The scariest part of Willy Wonka is when he’d sing.

Pronounces indescribable like indespicable

Them: what did you do this weekend? Me: I've been calling people stupid Them: all weekend? Me: my list of stupid people is very long

Those who invite you to walk a mile in their shoes tend to have athlete’s foot.

Vishnu, the OG Content Creator.

"Less is more" does not apply to clothing, folks. With clothes, less is just less and more is just more.

I got one hand in my pocket & the other flipping off the driver who doesn’t know how to use their blinker

Stainless steel is a lie. It actually is stainmoreeasily steel.

*sings Thank You for Being a Friend as a sea shanty*

I can hear (but not see) a dog barking and although I don't know why it's barking, I agree completely.

not a cell phone in sight, just people living in the moment out on the moors

ⓘ User unable to say something nice

“Not to toot my own horn” is a weird saying. Who else’s horn am I supposed to toot