“Father Brown is over,” I told my company and wished them well on their journey home.

Alright who stuck the pill in my cheese cube?

Life: I’m out of lemons is Pepsi ok?

Might sell Avon door to door as a side hustle

I'm reading all your posts in what I imagine your voice sounds like in my head.

You know you're old when ''I have to go'' stops reffering to parties

The dread of expecting company who call to say they’ll be early but you’re still out running errands.

Sadly, it seems the double dash has gone the way of the Oxford comma.

Many "American Psychos" can trace their ancestry to immigrants who came through Bret Easton Ellis Island.

Let the comfort eating commence

I wish I lived in precented times.

a girl should not have to work if it’s misty. She should be allowed to wander the moors wailing as nature intended

Passing out copies of my posts to the patients in this hospital so that I might go viral

when i found that our custard-like dessert had gone bad it was very off-pudding.

Deer + bunny + cargo shorts = kangaroo

State Farm doesn't know me at all. A good neighbor to me isn't always there. I want a neighbor that I never see.

In the immortal words of James Hetfield, "fuck it all with fucking no regrets".

When you die, after the eulogy, you should be shamed on how many condiments are in your fridge

Replacing myself with a life-size Jello Jiggler for the day. Blob enough.

Cats aren't afraid of the void

It is fortunate that YOLOs do, in fact, live only once, and that they take their awful grammar with them.

There should be a “skip to the point” button for conversations.

Annual reminder. If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they'd be called novorations.

cats rule everything around me

it takes a village people to raise a macho man

he’s practicing for when the aliens arrive in a few weeks

im not just a simple guy you can turn on with the flick of a switch, im more complicated than that proceeds to spend the next two hours intermittently scrolling titty drop videos on BS

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

my incubus woke me up all night with his restless leg syndrome

croissant inventor: how bout bread that explodes when you touch it

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

If you're not on that first one, don't be cry. I'm making three and it's really difficult finding all my people at 6 am. Here's list two. Some of my best friends aren't on either of these and I know it. Hang in there, it's coming go.bsky.app/3KzRR2m

Please stop emailing me. OK… but it might take 10 business days

How embarrassing to go around asking for prizes, for namesakes—that’s Loser behavior. Heroes don’t beg for accolades.

He was rare, like a fanny pack that isn't hideous.

omg Your Honor, I made those threats on Opposite Day so they don’t count

I'm not like other girls. I'm absolutely unwavering in my belief that nothing bad could ever happen to anyone at Trader Joe's.

Eating half a jar of peanut butter with a spoon didn’t solve my problems

“Do you want me to give you lots of attention or leave you alone?” Me: Yes.

In real life I try not to lead with politics. I usually just ask people if they’re pregnant

Detective slams his hands flat on the table: You need to tell us what you know! Me: I don’t gossip.

Ooh I thought you said “rad wife”

I really should chortle more.

I can hear their nose whistle…not distracting in a weird way at all.

her: have you been moisturizing? me: oh no...that's just pizza grease.

If late-night snacking in the kitchen whilst in your underwear doesn't look like the T. rex eating the goat in "Jurassic Park," then you're an amateur.

I am now the proud owner of a Bob Ross.

feeling a slight bit doughy today don’t even knead this right now

The worst part of an annual physical is the bloodshed.

Does the moon match the drapes?