To the people letting off the fireworks that are terrifying my dog, I wish you a lifetime of having to wash up bowls that have had Weetabix in them but haven’t been put into soak.

I love that little rhyme about today’s date. “Remember, remember it’s only the 5th of November, so stop banging on about fucking Christmas.” Pretty sure that’s how it goes anyway.

Annual reminder. If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they'd be called novorations.

Everyone who thinks that because Halloween is now over it means that we can start celebrating Christmas can fuck right off.

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

I’ll be spending Halloween night sitting in the dark and ignoring the doorbell, hoping whoever is outside just goes away and leaves me alone. Just as I do every other night of the year.

It’s that time of year again when I remember that most kids these days will never know the indignity of having to wear a Halloween costume that their mum made them out of a black plastic bin bag.

For my scary Halloween costume this year I’m going to dress up as a person who phones someone to respond to a text message.

Dressing up as a vampire for Halloween this year. Here's a selfie of my costume.

Postman Pat - The Horror Version. www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmVx...

Still love the two reviews that were left for this Halloween doll on the Asda website.

For my scary Halloween costume this year I’m going to dress up as a person who phones someone to respond to a text message.

The best thing about Halloween approaching is being able to pass off the cobwebs in my house as spooky decorations.

Just saw a video on Instagram where a young influencer woman was showing her bedroom and pointed out all the ‘cute vintage trinkets from the late 1900s’ she’d used to decorate it. I then realised she was talking about things from the 90s and now need to lie down in a dark room for a little while.

Shout out to all owners whose pets don’t understand the clocks went back so will still trying to get you to feed them dinner an hour earlier than usual.

My brain: Needs to use GPS when I’m driving to remember how to get to a place I’ve previously driven to multiple times before. Also my brain: Remembers every single lyric to the 1990 hit Ice Ice Baby when it comes on the radio while I’m driving to the place it can’t remember how to get to.

When you order a ventriloquist dummy from Temu.

“If Rose and Jack reunited in the afterlife, then what happened to Rose’s husband, the man she married and raised a family with? Did he have to spend eternity watching his wife getting it on with the big boat fling bloke?” “I meant questions about the job” “Oh. What time is our lunch break?”

Me: Ah, time to go to sleep. All ready to drift off in the lovely peace and quiet. My dogs and/or my cat: Ok, she's trying to go to sleep. Yeah, now feels like the PERFECT time to jump up on the bed and start loudly licking my genitals.

Remembering the time this sponsored advert popped up on Facebook, and at first I thought it was for Halloween knickers.

September 30th vs October 1st

I love crisp Autumn mornings. I had 3 packets of cheese and onion for breakfast.

Remembering the time I did a huge double take in Aldi.

I was going to make a joke about homeopathy, but it didn't work.

“Well done to Melania, the winner of tonight’s Bingo top prize of £20. Drinks are on you, eh, love! Next up is the Meat Raffle. But first, the owner of the silver Fiesta parked by the bins, you've left your lights on."

Bit of a random question but if there are any vets (the ones who treat sick animals) who read this who would possibly please answer a question for me, I would really appreciate it.

Ben Folds and Jeremy Irons should get together and start a dry cleaning business. They could call it Ben and Jerry's.

When you're working from home. Dogs: OH MY GOD YOU’RE HERE ALL DAY AND THIS IS THE BEST AS I CAN LOVE YOU AND SEE YOU AND BE WITH YOU AND FOLLOW YOU AND I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED BECAUSE YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND I LOVE YOU BEING HERE SOOOO MUCH! Cats: What the fuck are you still doing here?

Saw a video on Instagram that pointed out that Dirty Dancing came out in 1987 and was set in 1963, so if it was remade now in 2025 then it would be set in 2001, and now I need a little lie down in a dark room for a while.

Me: Nearly Monday again. Totally ready for it. Narrator: But she wasn't ready. She wasn’t ready at all. [sound on]

Happy 4th anniversary to the time this happened on Twitter.

Poppy is 10 today! Happy birthday to my daft, stubborn, greedy, beautiful, big brown bear.

Well it’s once again that time of year when the supermarkets start selling tubs of chocolate in preparation for Christmas, knowing full well we’ll buy them to put away, then eat them and have to replace them at least 8 times before December.

I have watched this video more times now than I’d like to admit, but it has made me laugh every single time. [sound most definitely up]

Getting older is basically stopping worrying about some part of your body that is hurting simply because you’re now focused on another part that hurts more.

Going to tell my grandkids that these were the kids in Stranger Things by the time Season 5 finally aired.

Not sure if this is meant for the kids or for the parents.

Well, putting fake tan only on the bottom half of my legs at the weekend, forgetting I had a smear test today, succeeded in making a slightly awkward procedure even more awkward for me and being rather amusing for the nurse carrying out the test.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing/The clubbing scene from Spaced mash up that no one asked for (but I made anyway)

I have seen the C word used several times recently on social media and I think it’s absolutely disgusting and totally unnecessary. Christmas is still over 4 months away.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing/The clubbing scene from Spaced mash up that no one asked for (but I made anyway)

I did A Levels on the subjects of: Sweden Pop/disco music Eurovision Song Contest winners White satin flares I got ABBA

How I think I look in the hot weather vs How I actually look in the hot weather

Say, you had a next door neighbour who had made your life hell for 20yrs, and say your husband had set up a wildlife camera to record hedgehogs in your back garden and the camera caught the neighbour, at 2.30am, in your back garden stealing fruit, how likely is it the police will be interested?

Facebook Memories just reminded me of the time I busted my dogs play fighting so they tried to pretend they were actually just being lovely to each other.

Apparently it's National Orgasm Day. I didn't see that coming. #NationalOrgasmDay

Were you even a teenage girl in the '90s if you didn't have a high ponytail with two thin strands of hair pulled out at the front.

Me: Nearly Monday again. Totally ready for it. Narrator: But she wasn't ready. She wasn’t ready at all.

Getting older is basically stopping worrying about some part of your body that is hurting simply because you’re now focused on another part that hurts more.

Well rounded, creamy tasting, with a slight tang - Mature Cheddar Cheese. Boobies, willy, bum - Immature Cheddar Cheese.