I can’t believe my stupid clothes have all shrunk again. Every year, around this time, it seems to bloody well happen.

I don’t know why people find Dry January hard. Mine is going great. So far today I’ve had 3 glasses of dry white wine, 2 pints of dry cider and a dry martini.

Happy anniversary to still my favourite ever New Year’s Eve Twitter interaction.

"Any big plans for New Year's Eve?" "Yep!"

Shout out to all the amateur drinkers who think, because it’s New Year’s Eve, they can suddenly cope with 9 pints of lager and 8 Jägerbombs and will be found in the early hours of 2026 lying face down in a bush, covered in puke, and crying for their mum, after shitting themselves.

Refusing to do any shopping until all the Christmas food is all gone, so dinner tonight will be Pringles and sprouts topped with mince pies and, for dessert, Bounty Celebrations and Baileys with a stuffing jus.

My eating habits over the last few days have been like constantly putting your phone onto charge even though it's still at 98% battery life.

The period between Christmas and New Year is great as it's the only time of year you can stay in your pyjamas for days, drink alcohol at any time, have 4 naps a day, and eat cheese and chocolate for every meal without anyone getting concerned and staging an intervention for you.

Some people are only just now seeing that Karen Wheeler is a bad ass bitch but a lot of us realised this in season 3 when we saw at a swimming pool with perfectly done hair, a full face of make up and wearing high heels with her swimming costume.

ADVERTS. Before Christmas. BUY CAKE! BUY CHOCOLATE! BUY MEAT! BUY CHEESE! BUY BOOZE! EAT AND DRINK EVERYTHING! MORE! MORE! MORE! After Christmas. DIET! LOSE THAT DISGUSTING CHRISTMAS WEIGHT, LARDO! DETOX! EW, YOUR JEANS DON'T FIT, CHUNKY! LOOK AT YOU, FATSO! YOU MAKE ME SICK!

“You, boy, is big Tesco open on Boxing Day?”

Happy ‘Can’t watch Stranger Things until this evening as got family commitments so need to avoid spoilers all day’ Day to all who are celebrating it!

Body: I can't physically eat any more. Brain: THERE'S STILL CHEESE LEFT, PUSSY! Body: But I hurt. The pain! Brain: EAT MORE CHOCOLATE NOW! Body: *cries* Brain: WASH IT DOWN WITH A PINT OF BAILEYS. Body: I’m begging you. Please stop. Body: SNORT THAT PURPLE QUALITY STREET, BITCH.

"Can we op.." "NO IT'S FOR CHRISTMAS" "Can we ha.." "NO IT'S FOR CHRISTMAS" "Can.." "NO IT'S FOR CHRISTMAS" Christmas Day "EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

Can you even call yourself a proper parent if you don’t spend the entire time when your family are opening presents on Christmas Day hovering around them on high alert with a bin bag to instantly gather up the discarded wrapping paper.

My favourite thing about Christmas morning is the look of joy on my husband's face when he sees what we bought the kids for the first time.

'Twas the night before Christmas when all thro' the house, people were looking for the bastard scissors and calling the sellotape a sticky faced twat.

{\__/} ( • _ •) / > 🛍️ Here is all the Christmas food. {\__/} ( • . •) />🛍️ You can’t have it though as it’s for Christmas.

Every year, when putting away the big Christmas food shop, I’m thankful for the skills I developed while playing hours and hours of Tetris in my youth.

There’s a special place in Hell for people who put empty After Eight wrappers back in the box.

Every year I start off wrapping Christmas presents with the greatest of intention to make them look beautiful, but 3 gifts in and they all start looking like something an Evri driver has dropkicked over a neighbour’s hedge into a muddy puddle.

Only five more sleeps until normally rational adults stop counting in sleeps.

The perfect Christmas jumper doesn’t exi-

If you tell a woman you like her dress, it’s highly likely you’ll get at least one of these responses: (If it has pockets) “Thanks. It has pockets!” [shows you the pockets] “It only cost a fiver! Bargain!” “This old thing! It’s not nice. I look like a potato. I’m going to burn it.”

When driving home for Christmas, always ensure you keep checking the Rea view mirror.

Once witnessed a woman at Tesco customer services kicking off at a worker as the loose lettuce her daughter bought earlier that day was hard and tough and nothing like the prepackaged iceberg lettuce she normally purchased. The lady serving her politely informed her that it was actually a cabbage.

And the Angel Gabriel appeared before Mary and said, “Ooh, I like your robe!” and Mary did reply, “Thanks! It’s got pockets!"

I’d really like to watch a film about someone who lives in a big American city and goes back to visit their parents at their small town childhood home for Christmas, and then falls in love with someone who, at the start of the film, they didn’t even like. Shame there’s just no films like that.

Dads: Turn that bloody light off! It’s like Blackpool Illuminations in here. Do you think I’m made of money? Dads at Christmas: I don’t think 96 strings of lights on the outside of the house is enough, love. Just popping to B&Q for another 47 and a 12ft illuminated reindeer.

It’s that time of year again when supermarket staff are wearing Christmas jumpers, Santa hats, and the dead eye looks of people who want every customer dead, whilst their souls slowly drain from their bodies in despair after having to listen to Mariah Carey 487 times per shift.

If anyone is looking for a Christmas present for their nana, Iceland are selling huge sewing kits for a fiver.

Just getting in the Christmas mood...

Accidentally bought a Ladvent Calendar this year. So far, behind the doors, there’s been a cheeky Nando’s, 12 pints of lager, some Lynx Africa, and a message telling me I’ve got nice tits for an old bird.

A reminder that the BBC One ident for Christmas 1993 literally has to be seen to be believed.

Day 1 of my #AdventCalendar [sound up]

December. The month where mums all over the world start hoarding copious amounts of food they never normally buy, but won't let anyone eat any of it because "It's for Christmas."

I don’t give a shit ⊂_ヽ 　 ＼＼ what your Christmas tree 　　 ＼( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 　　　 >　⌒ヽ 　　　/ 　 へ＼ 　　 /　　/　＼＼looks like 　　 ﾚ　ノ　　 ヽ_つ 　　/　/ 　 /　/| 　(　(ヽ 　|　|、＼ 　| 丿 ＼ ⌒) 　| |　　) / ノ )　　Lﾉ (_／

Who’s in?

Going to tell my grandkids that these were the kids in Stranger Things by the time Season 5 finally aired.

The full name for Thanksgiving is actually TomHanksgiving.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.”

It’s funny how my 20 and 22 year old children, rightfully, want me to treat them like adults but both still fully expect me to buy them a chocolate advent calendar each.

My nemesis in cardigan wearing weather.

Tell me you’re a woman who is nearly 50 without telling me you’re a woman who is nearly 50.

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch. Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner.

I wonder if Chris Rea has set off yet.

[God handing out average lifespans to animals] Angel: Giant tortoises? God: Over 100 years! Angel: Crocodiles? God: 70-ish sounds good. Angel: Chimps? God: Give ‘em 30 years! Angel: And dogs? Those loving, loyal and devoted companions of humans? God: Hmm. Yeah, mid teens. If they’re lucky.

Looks like yet ANOTHER year that Olly Murs has wasted the opportunity to release a Christmas album called Gold, Frankincense and Murs.