if someone shoves your face into a chocolate cake, the calories don’t count

To cut down on my alcohol intake I’m only going to have half measures in future but to save on the washing up I’m going to have them two at a time in the same glass.

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High

You can tell a lot about a person by what's on their bookshelves.

Autocorrect changed "demands" to "demons" in my emails, and I must fully agree with it!

Not enough of you read cereal boxes as a kid eating breakfast, and it shows.

I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals

It's true I never know what's going on but these days... who would want to?

How can we be soulmates if you don’t reply?

Hmm day 7 of waking up without my left sock on

It wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Gary just knew it was because he put it somewhere he “wouldn’t forget.”

I guess calling the pharmacist Candy Man is frowned upon. Who knew

Be the sweet ass mix-tape you want to hear in this world

I wish unfriending someone on Facebook meant unmeeting them too.

If you like cheese enchiladas and getting caught in the rain

I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.

why haven’t any skin care brands been able to replicate the post cry glow

Have you looked at the time? I’m almost late for a nap

I am not overthinking things. If anything, you're underthinking things

80% of owning a cat is trying to figure out where your cat is

There are ghosts in your house but don't be so arrogant to think they have the time or energy to fuck your shit about.

I wear big glasses. All the better to cover in body grease and not have to see you with, my dear.

There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.

Was about to fucking reply, poured a bourbon, fucking ripped a dart, didn't fucking reply We all fucking win

I’ve got nothing to say so I guess I better go ahead & say it

Goldilocks has boundary issues.

No no don't take it personally, I don't like anyone Me, flirting

This "you do you" mentality is selfish, self-centered and ultimately self-destructive. We need more of a "everybody do everyone" attitude in 2026

I go back to work tomorrow, which means I now have exactly one day to complete the two weeks worth of projects I confidently told my wife I’d “definitely get to” during my vacation

One day you're young and carefree, the next you have both daytime and nighttime socks

if she never had to figure out her Levi’s shrink-to-fit size she’s too young bro

according to this fitness app, I’m more of an inactivist

Some nights I throw all of my coats on the bed in the guest room so it looks like I’m having a big party.

We need Song 3 from Blur now more than ever

Sir Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." Me: (can't see at all because the cat knocked my glasses behind the toilet)

Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?

All roses, no guns

people that don't sleep with bare feet are sockturnal

Radical fuckin idea but maybe we let ppl find enjoyment however they can because everything sucks

It should cost money to send people videos that are longer than 30 seconds

Well at least I'm not a man who does backflips in public

Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? -Me, about the weekend

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed

The introvert in me craves the silent treatment

Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.

my favourite X’s, ranked: 10. _onerated in a court of law 9. _traterrestrial 8. _marks the spot 7. _ray specs 6. _chromosome 5. generation_ 4. _tasy 3. _tra large portion of fries 2. _rated 1. _wife