MisterD
@misterd78uk.bsky.social
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When they put the suggested number of servings on snack packaging... STOP that shit it's just embarrassing
1 day ago
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TwoSense
12 days ago
if someone shoves your face into a chocolate cake, the calories don’t count
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𝔏𝔦𝔩𝔞𝔠🦂
13 days ago
I don't trust anyone who gets excited about math facts
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bacon popsicle 😳
12 days ago
To cut down on my alcohol intake I’m only going to have half measures in future but to save on the washing up I’m going to have them two at a time in the same glass.
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bacon popsicle 😳
17 days ago
[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too
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Danny
12 days ago
Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High
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Granite Man
12 days ago
You can tell a lot about a person by what's on their bookshelves.
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AnnaAnkaAnia
about 2 months ago
Autocorrect changed "demands" to "demons" in my emails, and I must fully agree with it!
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Jim
12 days ago
Not enough of you read cereal boxes as a kid eating breakfast, and it shows.
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andy vs.
12 days ago
I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals
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It's true I never know what's going on but these days... who would want to?
13 days ago
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WineMummy
14 days ago
How can we be soulmates if you don’t reply?
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andy vs.
14 days ago
Hmm day 7 of waking up without my left sock on
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Gary Muppet
15 days ago
It wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Gary just knew it was because he put it somewhere he “wouldn’t forget.”
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SpecialKimtamine™ 🚩🏴☠️🇮🇹🇺🇸
16 days ago
I guess calling the pharmacist Candy Man is frowned upon. Who knew
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Salty MacTavish
14 days ago
Be the sweet ass mix-tape you want to hear in this world
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One Awkward Mom
14 days ago
I wish unfriending someone on Facebook meant unmeeting them too.
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Algonquin K Farquhar II
14 days ago
If you like cheese enchiladas and getting caught in the rain
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Mary
14 days ago
I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.
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key
14 days ago
why haven’t any skin care brands been able to replicate the post cry glow
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Jenny Doesn’t Know
14 days ago
Have you looked at the time? I’m almost late for a nap
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Pandy Fackler
14 days ago
I am not overthinking things. If anything, you're underthinking things
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Emma Bolden
14 days ago
80% of owning a cat is trying to figure out where your cat is
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chris.
18 days ago
There are ghosts in your house but don't be so arrogant to think they have the time or energy to fuck your shit about.
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chris.
17 days ago
I wear big glasses. All the better to cover in body grease and not have to see you with, my dear.
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chris.
16 days ago
There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.
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DrunkAss
14 days ago
Was about to fucking reply, poured a bourbon, fucking ripped a dart, didn't fucking reply We all fucking win
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Jenny Doesn’t Know
14 days ago
I’ve got nothing to say so I guess I better go ahead & say it
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Jack
14 days ago
Goldilocks has boundary issues.
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No no don't take it personally, I don't like anyone Me, flirting
14 days ago
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🌘 Dad Moon Rising🌒
23 days ago
This "you do you" mentality is selfish, self-centered and ultimately self-destructive. We need more of a "everybody do everyone" attitude in 2026
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🌘 Dad Moon Rising🌒
21 days ago
I go back to work tomorrow, which means I now have exactly one day to complete the two weeks worth of projects I confidently told my wife I’d “definitely get to” during my vacation
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🌘 Dad Moon Rising🌒
17 days ago
One day you're young and carefree, the next you have both daytime and nighttime socks
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The Real Kim Shady
15 days ago
if she never had to figure out her Levi’s shrink-to-fit size she’s too young bro
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Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺
14 days ago
according to this fitness app, I’m more of an inactivist
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Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺
2 months ago
Some nights I throw all of my coats on the bed in the guest room so it looks like I’m having a big party.
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Brick's House 🍁
22 days ago
We need Song 3 from Blur now more than ever
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Brick's House 🍁
21 days ago
Sir Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." Me: (can't see at all because the cat knocked my glasses behind the toilet)
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Brick's House 🍁
15 days ago
Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?
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Auntie Social
15 days ago
All roses, no guns
add a skeleton here at some point
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Auntie Social
14 days ago
people that don't sleep with bare feet are sockturnal
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andy vs.
17 days ago
Radical fuckin idea but maybe we let ppl find enjoyment however they can because everything sucks
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andy vs.
16 days ago
It should cost money to send people videos that are longer than 30 seconds
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andy vs.
15 days ago
Well at least I'm not a man who does backflips in public
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Marl
16 days ago
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? -Me, about the weekend
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Marl
14 days ago
I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football
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Marl
14 days ago
"I don't know what's happening here" Me, while: -watching sports -parallel parking -trying something new in bed
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The introvert in me craves the silent treatment
14 days ago
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bacon popsicle 😳
about 1 month ago
Hard work may not kill me but it's not a risk I'm prepared to take.
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