MisterD
@misterd78uk.bsky.social
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My brain is foggy and forgetful all day long but the second I'm about to fall asleep it's like "hey here's a list of all the stuff you wanted from me earlier"
20 days ago
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I always wanted one of my college professors to write "he gave it the old college try" on my report card but they said they weren't allowed to lie
20 days ago
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I'm that dork who just thinks everyone's being friendly and my mate will be like "she was totally hitting on you, you idiot"
23 days ago
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You know when someone recognises you but you can't remember who they are? Yeah I try that shit with everyone these days
23 days ago
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I think karma comes to collect when we need to print something... it's the only explanation
24 days ago
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Bumped into an old work colleague who said he got married and had three kids since, so I said I hadn't done much as I think telling him i'm making a sick Lego C3P0 would've made him feel even worse
24 days ago
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I sometimes think of something really fun to do then I remember there'll be other people there too and the idea is no longer fun
24 days ago
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TwoSense
5 months ago
if someone shoves your face into a chocolate cake, the calories don’t count
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bacon popsicle 💥🥊
5 months ago
To cut down on my alcohol intake I’m only going to have half measures in future but to save on the washing up I’m going to have them two at a time in the same glass.
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bacon popsicle 💥🥊
5 months ago
[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too
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Danny
5 months ago
Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High
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Granite Man
5 months ago
You can tell a lot about a person by what's on their bookshelves.
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AnnaAnkaAnia
6 months ago
Autocorrect changed "demands" to "demons" in my emails, and I must fully agree with it!
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Jim
5 months ago
Not enough of you read cereal boxes as a kid eating breakfast, and it shows.
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andy vs.
5 months ago
I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals
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It's true I never know what's going on but these days... who would want to?
5 months ago
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WineMummy
5 months ago
How can we be soulmates if you don’t reply?
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andy vs.
5 months ago
Hmm day 7 of waking up without my left sock on
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Gary Muppet
5 months ago
It wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Gary just knew it was because he put it somewhere he “wouldn’t forget.”
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SpecialKimtamine™ 🚩🏴☠️🇮🇹🇺🇸
5 months ago
I guess calling the pharmacist Candy Man is frowned upon. Who knew
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Salty MacTavish
5 months ago
Be the sweet ass mix-tape you want to hear in this world
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One Awkward Mom
5 months ago
I wish unfriending someone on Facebook meant unmeeting them too.
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Algonquin K Farquhar II
5 months ago
If you like cheese enchiladas and getting caught in the rain
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Mary
5 months ago
I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.
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key
5 months ago
why haven’t any skin care brands been able to replicate the post cry glow
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Jenny Doesn’t Know
5 months ago
Have you looked at the time? I’m almost late for a nap
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Pandy Fackler
5 months ago
I am not overthinking things. If anything, you're underthinking things
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Emma Bolden
5 months ago
80% of owning a cat is trying to figure out where your cat is
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chris.
5 months ago
There are ghosts in your house but don't be so arrogant to think they have the time or energy to fuck your shit about.
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chris.
5 months ago
I wear big glasses. All the better to cover in body grease and not have to see you with, my dear.
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chris.
5 months ago
There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.
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DrunkAss
5 months ago
Was about to fucking reply, poured a bourbon, fucking ripped a dart, didn't fucking reply We all fucking win
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Jenny Doesn’t Know
5 months ago
I’ve got nothing to say so I guess I better go ahead & say it
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Jack
5 months ago
Goldilocks has boundary issues.
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No no don't take it personally, I don't like anyone Me, flirting
5 months ago
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🌘 Dad Moon Rising🌒
5 months ago
This "you do you" mentality is selfish, self-centered and ultimately self-destructive. We need more of a "everybody do everyone" attitude in 2026
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🌘 Dad Moon Rising🌒
5 months ago
I go back to work tomorrow, which means I now have exactly one day to complete the two weeks worth of projects I confidently told my wife I’d “definitely get to” during my vacation
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🌘 Dad Moon Rising🌒
5 months ago
One day you're young and carefree, the next you have both daytime and nighttime socks
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Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺
5 months ago
according to this fitness app, I’m more of an inactivist
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Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺
6 months ago
Some nights I throw all of my coats on the bed in the guest room so it looks like I’m having a big party.
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Brick's House 🍁
5 months ago
We need Song 3 from Blur now more than ever
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Brick's House 🍁
5 months ago
Sir Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." Me: (can't see at all because the cat knocked my glasses behind the toilet)
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Brick's House 🍁
5 months ago
Can any reply people out there tell me what a rhetorical joke is?
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Auntie Social
5 months ago
All roses, no guns
add a skeleton here at some point
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Auntie Social
5 months ago
people that don't sleep with bare feet are sockturnal
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andy vs.
5 months ago
Radical fuckin idea but maybe we let ppl find enjoyment however they can because everything sucks
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andy vs.
5 months ago
It should cost money to send people videos that are longer than 30 seconds
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