You ever notice how "ok don't take this personally" is always followed up with something really freaking personal

Goofy dancing in the kitchen is where it's at.

what if i go in the microwave just for like a second

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, rock you like a hurricane

🎼 Twist and shout🎶 *can twist without shouting and shout without twisting

You are the milk skin on a reheated cup of coffee

i keep my 3D printer in the bedroom in case i get any good ideas

apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy

these chores could have been a montage

Over the river AND through the woods? In this economy?

My butthole is a visual masterpiece, critics are calling it “unexpectedly symmetrical.”

WIFE: the doctor said i need a hip replacement ME: *opens thesaurus* how about “chic”

We would make a beautiful fucking catastrophe

Mixed signals except it's just my cat finding me to say hello but biting me instead

There should be a lot more hairstyles for dogs

I was like ‘so what’s your favourite Alanis Morrisette song’ and she was like ‘You Oughta Know’ and I was all ‘I’m not a fucken mind reader, Sharon’.

Don’t say, “long story short,” and then proceed to tell me the entire story. You have 45 seconds before I start playing award show orchestra music.

Drinking iced coffee in the winter is a lifestyle.

I think that gummy was stronger than I thought.

Grinning at your phone because you posted something dumb.

Time for coffee and procrastination.

You're the potpourri of personalities <stinks>

Even the word tomorrow is too long.

Racing thoughts so fast I could have been a competitive thinker.

Channel someone who gives a fuck

Women, we could definitely learn a thing or two from cats about protecting our peace

Your humor isn't inappropriate enough. Goes home.

Not to brag, but I seem to have turned into Mr.Bean

🎶 Afternoon time but I'm having coffee. Don't be bossy. Caffeine sauce me. 🎶

Point taken. It's mine now. Please continue your pointless life.

Sometimes, I feel invisible. Sometimes, it’s great.. sometimes, it sucks..

Before I got married, I never realized you could sneeze like an asshole

did you get the dream I sent you

Mixed signals except it's just my cat finding me to say hello but biting me instead

Who hurt you? Who hurt you that you have such good taste in music

People who write cooking recipes either never wash their veggies or don’t want you to know how much time it takes for the things to get washed and clean.

The only futurism I'm excited about now is pet racoons

why was i so worried about quicksand as a kid when riptides are a thing

They updated Alexa and now she doesn't sing "you're very very welcome" anymore when you say thank you. Now my day is ruined

Autocorrect changed "no idea" to "no ikea" and now my storklinta has vanished.

I seem to get the grocery cart with the wonky wheel. Strange gravitates towards me literally.

My trick? I can sneeze and throw my back out for days

At my age, It’s only a friend with benefits if they’re a chiropractor.

I like Black Friday because today at the local grocery I picked up a dagwood sandwich and a bag of frozen shrimp for what I consider a pretty fair price

If your name is pandora you are required by law to refer to it as “your box”

It's not a crown it's a coronet. A crown would make me look ridiculous.

The squirrels will tell my story.

Doctor: you’re going to feel some pressure, ready? Me: yes Doctor: your parents are prouder of your sister than you

Conquering chronic lateness by never going anywhere 😎

The bon jovi rest stop is "halfway there" between my house and my mom's and I think that's beautiful