Charlie Kirk’s assassination is GREAT news for Trump. A precocious martyr, opportunity to take the moral high ground, a distraction from the Epstein story & the chance to be a “protector”. It’s a Reichstag-fire level of justification for a continued crackdown on universities.

We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.

The 80's were wild. One time in middle school I was pissing next to the principal and he said, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it."

Me: ahhh… just ended a five year relationship Friend: omg are you alright??? Me: what? Oh fuck yeah. Wasn’t my relationship

It all went to hell when we quit painting pictures of oryxes on cave walls

Back in my days, we didn’t need to lock our cars. We just carried our pull-out stereo like a purse.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily me: yes interviewer: yes what me: yes please

To be real with you I feel a little lied to by Garfield. Mondays seem to be pretty chill for a cat.

He died doing what he did best, trying to take a selfie with a lion so he could use the caption 'Two Kings'

Fashion is insane. Y’all be trying to convince me I need to buy whatever rise of jeans is ‘trendy’ these days, and I’m still out here wearing the exact same blink-182 tshirt featured in my 10th grade yearbook photo

Suzanne watched the school bus pull away with a mix of apprehension and relief. It had been a long summer, a very long summer.

webMD said to put aloe on my sunburn but webRFKJr said to eat the sun

interviewer: what are your greatest strengths me: i’ve been doing kegels since i woke up

AGE TEST: You fall, people laugh= young You fall, people gasp= old

Why do we say “chronic cheating” and not “infinidelity”?

album covers but with muppets: thread

I’m hot but it’s mostly internal inflammation and perimenopause.

Holding my poop in for as long as possible because I had an expensive meal yesterday.

time blindness is like the Heisenberg uncertainty principle for productivity. I can tell you what I want to do, or when I can do it, but not both at the same time

Parenting is saying “this is your last chance” while knowing they have 40 more chances

Got fired by the zoo for giving all the meerkats tiny binoculars

At this point I'd settle for dependently wealthy

Learning to be grateful that my kids stay up so late because when the apocalypse hits, someone needs to take the night watch.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

do you have to bring your own or is there a vending machine?

There should be a smaller scale lottery. Like, I guess the number you’re thinking of and you give me $20

[Johnson's formulating adult shampoo] no. let them cry.

My wife thinks I'm irresponsible so she'll text reminders disguised as encouragement like "Hope the kids do ok at the doctor!" and I'm always like "OH FUCK, WE NEED TO LEAVE NOW!"

“Stop scrolling and post a” lemme just stop you right there. No. The scrolling will continue

Just sent a text that was emotional, vulnerable and included the phrase “I think I’m finally healing.” Unfortunately, I sent it to my plumber and he just now replied with “I’m proud of you!”

Most hikes generally end up right back where you started. Why bother?

the elderberry is the wisest and most knowledgeable of all the berries

AI filmmaking is peeing. It’s pooping. It’s throwing up. It’s a new kind of liquid coming out. It’s hated by the establishment. It’s what goes in the toilet. It’s wet. It’s what’s in the bathroom.

Gingerbread man: i'm just not cut out for this Therapist: actually you absolutely are

please excuse me while i slip into something a little more comfortable (a bathtub filled with hotdog water)

Why stop at sprinter vans? Let’s make three-story motorcycles

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

I'm missing a very specific part of my brain that handles whether I took a pill or not

Grounds for divorce imo

Always be kind... ☺️ #bluesky

For everyone who follows me and likes this post I will give myself a fake dollar bc I’m broke ❤️

Buddy, I've read my last article. Period. It was the year two thousand and eleven.

started taking beta blockers. so I don’t have to read your posts

dads are good cooks too, we just put all our skill points into breakfast and grilling

If the 80s taught us anything, it’s that rich people not only made sandwiches in the back of their limousines, but were so desperately short on gourmet mustard that they would ask people in traffic for it.