disturbing if literal: toothpaste

Sorry I can't make it, I'm listening to Black Sabbath today

Joggers? Oh no, dear. These are sitters.

My butthole is thriving. Thank you for asking.

flushing the toilet and letting God sort it out

siri and alexa? sorry, i don't know them.

My 3 favorite strokes - luck - genius - penis

Finally fulfilling my oscillating fan’s dream by taking him to a tennis match.

The price of authenticity is sometimes being disliked.

Everything you want you already have.

I’ll be rooting for the sharks this week

Triglycerides would make a beautiful name for a girl.

One thing a lot of people don’t know about Bono? Foreskin the size of a duffle bag.

You should never betray your heart or your friends

I went to a tire store and asked for a rim job. They threw me out.

Establish dominance by farting freely.

Choking on your skeet it's so good

OnlyFans, but it’s just me aggressively tasering people who say “FriYay” without irony.

Another day, another what the fuck are you looking at

Existing is exhausting. I'm too tired for this shit.

The pain relieving patches stay on during sex

How the hell does Boboli have an entire display still? Who is buying their loved ones 90s trauma food?

One time* I bit my own finger really hard while consuming a store-brand cheese puff, just so you know who you’re dealing with *just now

Going to start posting fitness maps of my jaunts to and fro the refrigerator.

I may not Always wear an adult diaper when I’m older. It Depends

Grass is just a big scheme from the Lawnmower cartel

just me and my arthritis against the world

cacti are what happened when watermelon got sick of getting pushed around.

Yeah, but do you have a raccoon who shows up when you call him and lets you throw marshmallows at him? Didn’t think so.

Woke up 3 times last night thinking about work. I’m banking that as overtime.

hard times = personal development

All I'm saying is that the package for anti-diarrhea medicine should be easier to open.

Welcome to your 40s, you can throw your back scrolling to your birth year.

welcome to your 50’s we *all* have a bad back now *laughs in scoliosis

The 'balls of your feet' sounds much naughtier than 'tippy toes'.

Our eyes met from across the room and at that instant I knew in my heart that she wanted nothing to do with me.

perhaps poetry will save me

I've completed the equivalent of a two hour workout by trying to scratch my back.

sup boo ? ~ me to my ibuprofen

No one is going to talk about what a clean house you had when you die They only do that in the group chat while you are alive

I was really excited thinking I had to poo. Like a really good big one. Turns out, it was just a giant fart 😞

Eye bags are hot right?

I always think of a better way to word it after I've already written it.

Father, forgive them, for they do not know to refrigerate peanut butter after opening.