One minute you think you have it all and then you risk everything on one last high-stakes game of Go Fish and suddenly all you have left are the memories and a sippy cup full of Gatorade and broken dreams.

♫ But I would walk 500 miles ♫ ♫ And I would walk 500 more ♫

CHEESE IT! IT'S THE FUZZ!

#NowWatching for the 1st Time 🎥 Dead and Buried(1981) 🎬 Directed By: Gary Sherman #Horror m.imdb.com/title/tt0082...

Me and the fellas beating the toxic masculinity out of each others souls

People online will be like "do you even know who I AM in the Ducktales fanfic community??"

My first rodeo was a petting zoo. I got a little out of hand.

Wearing my lucky hoodie with the thumb hole sleeve just in case someone challenges me to a thumb war competition.

i’m sorry you forgot that amazing banger before you could post it i’m sure that was the one that would have turned it all around for you

What’s a Film You watched Way too Young? 🎥 I was around ten and it was coming on TV. I begged and begged my mom to let me watch it. She finally gave in thinking it would teach me a lesson about being too young for scary movies. My response: "that movie was....AWESOME!" #horrormovies #horror

but officer the tongue of my tennis shoe was being weird

I am brimming with holiday spirit

my diet consists of different scraps. i’m basically a creature

Big nopes energy today.

idk who put the pity in serendipity but I’ll take it

logging on

My latest episode as a 4th rate voice actor on the 3rd rate podcast Discount Storytime. But don't fret (unless you want to) I'll be plying my trade on another podcast soon; Chicken Fried Horror! Enjoy

ever since i was a little kid i knew i wanted to retire

I DO NOT have a pocket full of sunshine; only Xanax.

The last episode of this podcast. We made 87 episodes with over 3000 downloads!!! Thank you all for being a great audience!!! Be sure to subscribe to the NEW podcast starting next week, CHICKEN FRIED HORROR! here: www.buzzsprout.com/2553015 #podcast #humor #horror

I'm pulling tricks with my Sega Genesis that would make Hiroshi Yamauchi rise from the fucking grave just to shit himself

no one better bring me to life with a magic hat that’s all i’m saying

Don't let your work break your mood. Just go there, annoyed already. Monday in a nutshell.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them? Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

You Bring the Stars, I'll Bring the Moon #Art by Junaid Mortimer

Just finished Guillermo del Toro’s Frankenstein. It good, but I still think Young Frankenstein was funnier.

“Either eat it before it expires or throw it out. Our fridge is not a yogurt museum.”* *The most dad thing I said today.

A New Dark-Humor-Short-Fiction-Audio Drama Shall Arise on December 15th! Subscribe here: www.buzzsprout.com/2553015 #horror #podcast #humor

A quick message. You have been the best audience ever!!! ❤️❤️❤️

I'm so old, I remember having to carry my luggage because it didn't have wheels.

Me: I just want to sleep! Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU'VE EVER MADE! Bladder: Oh & don't forget about me.

I'm old enough now where I can fake old people sleep to avoid awkward situations.

doctors dont let you be born with a tail cause itd make you too powerful

I drew a portrait of my neighbor that I have a crush on. She was impressed until she saw the wavy stink lines coming off her body. 💔

I miss the days when it was just me and my cudgel against the world

eye doctor put drops in and now i see the sins of men writ across their brow

victor frankenstein disappointedly leaving a monster truck show

Being the life & soul of the party sounds fucking terrible.

the person who named the Woolly Mammoth should’ve been able to name more things

I have a sexy body that I’m willing to put on display but everyone keeps harassing me by saying “what are you doing with that corpse” and “I’m calling the police”

introduce yourself with 5 concerts you've seen: Bob Dylan Cake Dwight Yoakum Bo Diddley Sammy Hagar/David Lee Roth

I know what’ll turn this around. one hundred dollars worth of sushi

People who run - but like why though?

These are really good doughnuts but I need them to calm down

When it’s winter in the Midwest and your dog turns into a little babushka. #dogs

That makes sense.

you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not the wandering spirit of a girl who was murdered several centuries ago who inhabited my body to use as a vessel for vengeance against the descendants of her killers

what am i? the vampire of driving? i can only drive recklessly if given explicit permission?

Got tased at bingo again

Get in loser, we're losers. This is the loser bus