As a dad, I endorse this.

Before social media, I would sit on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in

Coffee helps me ignore all the potential problems my brain is making up for the day.

it’s illegal to annoy me

“I’m so sorry baby. You shouldn’t have to go through this” me to my dog when he gets the hiccups

If I was a monk with a vow of silence could I still beatbox?

So many things can be turned into musical instruments, my kids threatened.

My life motto: “Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.”

I just went dark mode and now I'm being chased by goth kids.

the milk is coming from inside the cows

my cat when i tell him i love him

ANNOUNCEMENT: I am making “you and what army?” my go to comeback for everything, every time, regardless of context.

4 out 5 cannibal doctors recommend limiting intake of librarians and other read meat

I don’t know what a substack is but if it doesn’t have something to do with hoagies I don’t want any part of it.

Oh My God Becky

if banana were spelled like mississippi it would be bannannanna

Letz go even bigger and better,,, ALL Female US Olympians and Paralympian medalists are invited out to celebrate in Viva Las Vegas for the SHE GOT GAME Weekend ,,, Hit a guy up and LETZ GOOO

"if you can't tell time, don't do the crime." - my advice to chronically late getaway drivers

"Dude Nod"

Trying on glasses when you need glasses is like trying on clothes but they keep turning the lights down.

"I wish this wall looked like me" - Inventor of the mirror

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic play. All of a sudden, the guy on the triangle simply disappeared!

Thinking back on my life, I miss my Trapper Keeper most of all.

Slam Dancing To The Oldies!

typos are enduring ah shit that was supposed to say endearing . good dammit . oh ffs that was supposed to say god dammit . duck . shit that was supposed to be f

Fighter pilot or flighter pilot

"I have a bomb, I want $200,000 and a parachute, and yes, it was Janet Leigh in The Manchurian Candidate (1962). You know her from Psycho and Bye Bye Birdie." - IMDb Cooper

The key is to edge sleep in the other room and then jump into bed and happy wiggle my way to dreams

Once a week, I allow myself a cheat day (giving into all of my delusions)

"Hello, office of [CONGRESSPERSON’S NAME]! This is [YOUR NAME] from [CITY OR TOWN]. I’m calling to ask about [CONGRESSPERSON]’s stance on simply putting an end to this hellscape of a world and allowing humanity to fade into the black abyss of nonexistence." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/use...

My new year's resolution to stop making old people noises is NOT going well.

Times are hard for everyone. The river witch is offering deep discounts on feet.

How am I supposed to be expected to get out of bed and do things when there's so much doom that I still haven't scrolled?

The beloved owner of a tableware company has passed away. Following his wake, there will be a service for 8.

Doc said no heavy machinery but my care bears cloud car seems pretty harmless

they should invent a falling asleep on the couch that happens in bed

Today's Low Quality Ad is for this Coffee Rat pin. Pizza Rat cashed in on his 15 minutes of fame and is living the glamorous NYC influencer lifestyle. Sadly, no one has any love for Coffee Rat. Coffee Rat has to stick to the ol' 9-5 grind to make ends meet. collabs.shop/maogy7

How is it only Monday again?!

Chariots of Jorts

I'm like if weary and exhausted met at the club, had a one night stand, and the result of their hookup was a pasta-filled, fleshy, white meat sack in leggings and a hoodie.

I look around the person ahead of me to find a long queue stretching into the distance. I turn back to the person behind me. “Do we even know what this line’s for?” I ask. “I think they’re screening for alien DNA?” they say. “… … Oh,” I reply, overly casually, then side-step towards the woods.

the mouth is the garage of the face

Turn that smile upside… oh

can bones be tired i think they can bc mine sure are

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

said “what a day” before 6:30am so that’s how my day is going

my therapist called your therapist and we all agreed that you should apologize to me

Please don’t be insensitive. Posting about what you enjoy is triggering to people who can’t enjoy anything

(pirate playing chess) checkmatey