Tired of being invited to neighborhood potlucks? Follow me for more #LifeTips

Truth. #Caturday

Rollin’ down Rodeo with a ShopVac. That’s what I do. I vacuum Rodeo.

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

Just finished watching “Dead Poet’s Society” for the first time since 1990. What an inspirational film. It teaches us to understand ourselves, and not to conform because we’re told to. This is a lesson for our times.

I'm always buying little treats then burying them in the back of my freezer and forgetting they exist. Squirrel behavior

If you're cooking something with chocolate chips, use carob chips instead. They're healthier and they taste terrible.

I’ll take a fair weather friend if they come equipped with some fair weather.

My favorite film genre is two horny dogs eating spaghetti

Hey I know everything is terrible and shit sucks but I drew this little flower on a rock.

Mr. Stark, I don't post so good

Who will be Amazon rating/review number 666 on CLOWN IN A CORNFIELD 3? 😈

VOICEOVER: are you tired of ME: absolutely

Foley artist beaten to death in his apartment. Neighbors reporting hearing a lot of celery being snapped.

If they were driverless they'd be zombonis.

That makes sense.

a coffee shop called Don’t Teas Me

In Poland, pole dancing is just called dancing.

(me, struggling to carry enormous novelty gavel) my lawyer: i thought we agreed you'd leave that in the car

*puts glasses on* *looks around* *takes glasses off*

Someone just smiled at me! Quick, what do I do? Too late.

I promise you Boris, if you can nail these moves you'll have your pick of the gals at the midwinter ball.

me: I dance to the beat of my own drum librarian: stop it

I want to be a cicada so people will be like, “well, yeah, he’s supposed to scream like that.”

You know who I hate? My peers. Absolute fucking worst, every last one of them. Now, what type of people did you say this jury was?

I'm just floating down one of those lazy rivers, but that lazy river is time.

i may not "know how to act appropriately in public" but i peel a mean hard boiled egg

I think I’ve got four maybe five phone updates left in me.

it’s a good thing cats can’t open doors because they’d probably rob the neighbors

Sad but true. This is the very last episode of the Discount Storytime Podcast. But we made it to 100 with the best listeners in the universe! I'll keep them archived, so if you want to listen to a ridiculous story they will be waiting for you! Thank you all! ❤️ www.buzzsprout.com/2378374/epis...

Too damned late.

What movie defines the 80s for you?

the hamburger helps those that help themselves

"Ladies, welcome to Babushka Club. The first rule of Babushka Club is: You do not talk about Babushka Club. The second rule of Babushka Club is: You DO NOT talk about Babushka Club."

I just noticed the Kindle version of my book THE ULTIMATE WRITING GUIDE FOR STUDENTS is on sale for only $2.99! I updated the book in 2023 too, so it's still quite fresh. Get it while it's cheap. :) www.amazon.com/Grammar-Pres...

let’s vote for people who have been radicalized by decency

Sure, the abandoned house crawling with vampires is scary. But as a dad, this terrifies me!!! Who left the refrigerator door open??? 😱

Avoiding a new coffee shop that promises ‘on-site roasting’ since I lack the self esteem to handle that kind of harsh humiliation.

my super power is when I see any online recipe I can just scroll right to the actual recipe

Calling the bank teller ageist scum for not offering me a lollipop

Why do they call it a "restroom" when it's where I practice karate

We Ride at Dawn

why did i take wood shop in middle school when i could have been using that time to study "snapping spines using telepathy"

Tonight's Low Quality Ad is for this Dead Inside But Caffeinated Sticker. We haven't invented necromancy yet, but pouring coffee down a corpse's throat produces very similar results. collabs.shop/w7ocjd