Merry Pissmas!

I'm on that bah humbug tip

Please be advised

Tiny Tim is dead you idiots. Jesus. He lived in the mid-19th century in London. He’s fucking long dead

Meet Xmas, you filthy animals

Think your mail is private? In Columbus, ICE is playing "Postmaster General."

WANTED TO STAY UP AND SEE SANTA! WANTED TO SEE AND I SAW! JOLLIER THAN YOU THINK, DAD! JOLLIER THAN YOU THINK!

Kharag Gro-Shurkul's Bronze and Sapphire Circlet of Crapping

Me, to my kids:

you there boy, what bullshit is this

Where he at where he at where he at

hey girl nice bonobos

anyone who turns against trans people in this cultural moment should live the rest of their lives knowing that this is who they are, who they chose to be. they chose to be part of the mindless, angry mob that turns on vulnerable minorities. simply because their consent was manufactured.

A million documents seems high for a Democrat hoax.

concept: a Kindle but for pornography

trust me kid, if you drink the magic 8 ball juice you can see your future; drink too much and you skip to the end of it.

Why do I have the feeling there’s a LOT of Space Piss ™️

I hope everyone has a cozy night with their loved ones this evening. I won’t, though, because I have to head up to Nakatomi Plaza thanks to my flippin’ boss scheduling the holiday office party ON CHRISTMAS EVE WTF (🧵)

Conan’s Gamertag better be fucking PwnanObrien I stg

Rapidly we fly, zooming from place to place, the center our own stories framed within the video game metaphors of children. To what end? No end. None of consequence. We merely zoom into the sparkles of the resolution of our screens into our own dissolution. Introspection is without replay value

I may not have any children but I fold up salvageable gift wrap for reuse like a mother

and to tiny tim, who WAS held in quantum superposition

And Big Jim, who DID die, because he tugged on Superman’s cape and messed around with Slim

She now on my have a machine gun until I HO HO HO

hello dot jpeg

they should invent a lower back that isn't garbage

December turns me into someone who believes a fat man with a beard can fix everything.

holy night butthole tight

Sonic the Herzog

I will always remember where I was when I hear that

Couple sitting in the Kwik Trip parking lot, girl in the passenger seat has an open jar of pickles in her lap that is down to its last pickle and low on juice. They don’t sell pickles at this gas station. Go into the bathroom - guy is FIGHTING for his life against a 💩 demon. Merry Xmas 🎄!

I am telling you that a large part of their dysfunction is that several Trump officials imagine themselves, constantly, as being in a social media sizzle reel where they display status and dominance over others. Their online personas are driving their actual behavior.

Happy Fuck Merrick Garland Day to all who celebrate

I love that he's explaining the housing crisis from the landlord perspective

13 year old me wants this death machine real bad

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddamn buy cookies.

I wrote a Discord client for Windows 9x/NT 3.1, so feel free to use the tech I built to make apps: github.com/discordmesse...

been watching king of the hill with subtitles and seeing what boomhauer is actually saying is like fuckin truesight

Concept: Martin, Buschemi and Wozniak in a reality weight loss show called “As Thicc as Steves”

Prostate Honked

fuck you guys this bangs AND is true

i guess it's illegal to jack off to fish now??

out here sprinkling belly button lint like salt bae

“Youngster, when I was a kid we had free gps on every hand computer. Some folks even gave away free internet. Even Microsoftheed-Martin shared their source code on a public website, partially because laws back then required them to when they reskinned a free project as their own.”

the empire itself is like "how do i open pdf"

OH MY GOD THEY DID