[sexting] Her: Are you naked? Me (taking a shit): Yes

But these are my fancy picking up bitches Crocs

She was dazzling, like a laser pointer to the eyeballs.

Look me in the ass and tell me you love me.

I want you to know that I hear you. I’m not actually listening and I don’t like it, but I hear you.

Telling the cheese you’re eating that it’s your favourite cheese is like picking a favourite child, something you should only ever do when all the other cheeses are out of earshot.

Fun fact: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. Funner fact: There are 338 when you make them smile.

You might argue it’s the Hulk or Shrek, but I think the Jolly Green Giant probably has the largest green penis.

Tits out for Saint Patrick

If you’re not willing to pick your cat up so he can look out the window to watch the birds, you are a terrible person

I’m here to make puns and lose friends.

Experience all the thrills of gambling without the financial risk simply by not deleting your browsing history from the family computer. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I am “peed myself laughing” is no longer a joke years old

[dipping a block of cream cheese into grain alcohol] “I’m fine, why”

“Bill, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

at this point are there even any bats left in hell

I hope you don't get pregnant from staring at my perm.

“It’s a price worth paying” is easy to say when you’re not paying shit.

Looking for a genie to turn me into my wife's phone so I can be held all day while getting tummy rubs.

Someone posts for attention? Give them attention. Move on. Protect your blood pressure. We’re too old for this shit.

Son, when I was your age, apples were as big as watermelons, they were green on the outside, and when you cut ‘em open, they were red and juicy inside and tasted like watermelon

I just heard a crazy old woman in the street yelling 'don't you fucking dare walk away from me you fucking bellend' and all I could think was 'mother?'.

gas prices up, time to start taking tp from work

If this app doesn’t work I’m going back to ruining my life locally

I’m gonna quickly shift this conversation so I can share some random information I learned on a podcast.

I can’t believe how old people my age are.

[Applebees, the ides of March, 44BC] Caesar: i’ll have the salad Cleopatra: me too, it’s my salad day Waiter: et tu, brute ? Brutus: *opens napkin* oh great. no knife Caesar: what Brutus: what

My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

Older women that buy a pack of smokes at the gas station and then fire one up right after jumping back into their Subaru get me hard.

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

The winning family on America’s Funniest Home Videos always look like they just came from a Sear’s Portrait Studio.

Get those goddamn black jelly beans out of my face you weirdo.

The game Operation…except it’s me using my fingers to grab a piece of food that fell underneath the hot stovetop grates.

I just figured out the timer on my coffee maker...so if anyone wants to come over for coffee at 11pm next Thursday, I’ll see you then.

Souvenirs are like "here, please remember my vacation that I took without you"

- On your CV it says that your wife helps you with everything. - Is that what she wrote?

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Random Reply Guys.

Whatever snack my kid doesn't finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there. By Friday, she's got a Golden Corral style buffet.

I bought the cheap catfood and my cat gave me the ''I'm not sad, I'm disappointed'' look

Clearly you can’t trust a Tesla when it comes to pulling out.

I feel like we don’t talk enough about how underrated the feeling of wearing a new pair of socks is.

Who up Benedicting their eggs.

as far back as i can remember i always wanted to be a disaster

I don't know which insurance company to use. They're all so funny.

when I’m on my deathbed I hope all the cats of my life come visit me like angels

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her birthday and I have to say I’m 50% proud, 30% amused, and 100% terrified.

•speed dating• I’d smell your farts.

Looking forward to the ultimate weighted blanket, six feet of dirt piled on top of me.