I love you. Just not ‘pick up the phone when you call’ love you

Turns out Groupon is not a sex club.

Sipping my coffee and getting ready for whatever fresh hell awaits me today.

Why don’t these forms ever ask the important questions like what kind of idiot are you

I hate when someone posts what they think is a thirst trap, and I'm just like, where dem titties?

sad twats in your area need forehead kisses

Maybe one sock is ghosting the other sock and it’s really none of our business.

Just awkward enough to be interesting

time is never wasted so long as i’m wasted with you babe

It's clear that essential oils are not living up to their end of the bargain.

Fuck me like there actually is a tomorrow.

By jingo I use a lot of obsolete expressions.

Just like my ancestors had daily standoffs with bears and alligators, my pug once again does not want to take his anxiety medicine.

Adding lol to the most depressing text ever so my friend knows I'm fine 😎

It is more or less secure if I also don't know any of my passwords or PIN codes

Send all the coffee.

Get married so someone can ask you "why do you have to brush your teeth like that"

i love a girl who smells like a candy store

The wedge is the most divisive of all salads.

In summer, I drive with my hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

work is stupid

Queen, Kid Rock and the Beastie Boys came on the radio one after the other and all of a sudden I was dancing shirtless with a mullet, drinking brass monkey.

I belong among the wildflowers, not in a meeting that could have been an email.

It’s hard watching other people doing yard work, but this beer isn’t gonna drink itself.

*seductively eats a potato chip off the floor of my car*

[me flirting] wanna nap and occasionally scratch each other’s backs?

Bluesky has given me the false impression I can reply to work emails only if they are funny and on topic

A KitKat fixed me.

I go to wine tastings and spit it into the air like Triple H

Felt cute, might ruminate over my intrusive thoughts later.

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask

On second thought, maybe I will go fuck myself🤷🏻‍♀️

Disney frowns upon people constantly asking if they can finger the princesses on one of their cruises. Also, did you know that they have a jail on Disney cruise ships?

If you hold a conch shell up to your ear and listen really closely you’ll hear a hermit crab burrowing into your skull and then start to drive you like a crustacean Remy the Rat.

The kind of guy that makes things bearable

I don’t know who needs to hear this but when my superpower is having nothing in common with people using format jokes, it’ll be over for you bitches

If you look hard enough into your lovers eyes, you'll see the end of your relationship.

You don't have to tell me twice because I don't listen either time.

My boobs say good morning.

The worst thing about Monday is having to pretend to care about what my coworkers did over the weekend

I faked a nap and someone else made dinner.

Remember to roundhouse kick this week right in the panty hamster you guys.

The feminine urge to stab you.

Im too salty for this skeet

According to this app, I walked .16 miles this morning while looking for the phone in my pocket.

The great thing about getting older is the ability to fall and hurt yourself without even drinking.