Today’s Dick pic👇😁

Remember how easy it was to learn to concoct a scheme? Thank the Phoenicians. They invented them!

#MusicSky #MayTheFourth

a DNR order but it's "do not resurrect"

Spare the Rod Stewart, Spoil the Destiny’s Child

yeah you can say i have jester’s privilege. everyone is nice to me because they LOVE my finely-woven suit of motley and stylish fool’s cap

writers artists 🤝 AHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH

beaker on magazine covers: thread

How I do anything 3 days to psych myself up to it 30 min to do it 3 days to recover

i got a cheese omelette, home fries, and a subpoena

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend bc he doesn’t exist

roses are red holy fuck we’re all gonna die

You're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear you over all this impending doom.

A cat would never got my tongue, that would not happen

These fake Christians wouldn’t know Jesus if he came down from heaven and died on a cross for them…

I’m done dating humans. I’ve got a better idea—

Excuse me while I slip into something more delusional.

Are there fewer female serial killers or are we just better at it

me: you bought another handbag? wife: it was calling my name me: that's not- bag: it's true, i was

Hell yea

Crazy that people used to look like this

Antifa is a pretty name for a girl

me: 🎵DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE 🎶 group therapist: i said would anyone like to SHARE

Air Friar

Writing tip: After you finish, go back & cut all the adverbs. Then all the adjectives. Then all the other words. Eat the paper. Now you're free.

Lang syne: AULD Acquaintance: FORGOT

Looking back on 2024 like:

The energy I’m bringing to the dating apps in 2025

♫ and she’s watching him with those fries

I figured out why the internet is causing so much trouble

Doing my annual check in on the state of the new years glasses industry and things are looking rough out there

Saying “See you next year!” on December 31st - Corny and annoying - Everybody hates you - Seriously this joke sucks Saying “See you next year!” on January 31st - Mysterious - Are you going on a long adventure? - You may not understand how years work

My sister told me she didn’t understand my crush on John Goodman, and while I was trying to explain, she interrupted and said, “Wait, was he Pacha in The Emperor’s New Groove?” And I looked in her eyes and knew that she got it now

Scrooge: You there, boy! What day is it? ChatGPT: Days were invented by the Druids in 1974

Nosferatu isn't out until January 1 in the UK, so please no spoilers for a remake of a movie that came out in 1922 that I have seen, based on a book that came out in 1897 that I have read. thanks

I made a gingerbread panopticon

I always forget that the brother in the Folgers commercial is excited for "real coffee" after coming back from "West Africa," one of the largest coffee-producing regions on earth

Who up parumpin they pumpum?

can we not do the "die hard is a Christmas movie" thing here please. "remember thing that wasn't entertaining or edifying on twitter but just a non-argument about which even the most bored person alive could not credibly be thought to actually care" can we not. for my Christmas present. please

priest: body of christ me: yes chef