the republican party used to stand for something

Supermoon, and I chose soup.

You won’t recognise the Supermoon with its glasses on.

I bet our brains will come out of this ordeal very cool and normal

i love it when a movie punches your heart right in the dick

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

I do not give ants permission to crawl on me Repost this on your own page to prevent ants from crawling on you

'You're a nice guy, but you mistake kindness for romantic interest' she flirted.

i hope my final words are “i love you” and not “ouch”

Remember, never let anyone ruin your day. It's your day. Be an adult. Ruin it yourself.

Star Trek II directors cut? You mean the long khan?

hear me out: concentration camps but for people with ADD

divorce rates are high bc they say their vows instead of doing a pinky promise

When do we get to start blinding people with science.

I like when Shakira’s voice hits the Pee-wee Herman register

Who called it arson and not crime brulee?

It's the five likes on my well thought out post that really make this place worth it

It’s time I invested in a pair of news-canceling headphones.

thing everyone likes is bad, says lame asshole

labubu is not real and it can’t hurt me

Being everyone’s cup of tea sounds really germy.

considering a bark collar for my 4 yr old

eating a can of diet coke like an apple

mind if we grab a bite to eat before you take me for granted?

the perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

there’s no reason a rubber band breaking should be as terrifying as it is

The mind goblins are quiet this evening. Too quiet.

frustrated as hell with this broken A/C and starting to lose my cool

Maybe the t-rex was so mean because they could never hug the others.

Southern heat is reaching the “I do declare” level

It is my sacred duty every day to prove to them I'm worthy of living to serve them another day.

he's everything you want he's everything you need he's a platter of tortilla chips covered in melted cheese

I once heard tales of a man who could believe it wasn't butter. They beat him to death with hams in the back of a cracker barrel

ground beef is meat but ground beef falling from space is even meatier

my jeans just called me a fat-ass

Creating a charity to support those affected by my moods

Me: sometimes you sound like a broken record Gf: well now you’re just exaggerating rating rating rating

i’m sorry my words accurately reflected my feelings

hear me out, a celebrity version of words with friends called anne hathaway with words

GMOing food has been a huge success. i think it’s time we moved onto babies

Shooting a weird gun: byah! byah! byah!

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

I love my stepladder as if it was my own

*me at a meeting of the knights of the round table* ugh this could’ve been a scroll

1st base: kissing 2nd base: petting base 10: math stuff

a lot of people crash out. i crash inward. like a dying star

why the fuck would i want a snack that smiles back? do NOT look at me

what if this is your best self lmao

sea turtles are cool but hear me out. sky turtles