There's no way that's all Mariah Carey wants for Christmas

they should make a sandwich bag that’s big enough to hold a sandwich

Murder, She Passive Aggressively Hinted

have your emergency contact call my emergency contact

no one would mess with me if they knew how many probiotics i have ingested

nature should spice things up with a beautiful deadly poisonous butterfly

"I'll burn down your house" - legally actionable, boring, common "I told the trees about you" - legally acceptable, foreboding, unsettling, the plants know your name and hate you

I don't want tea to be soothing, I need it to make me sharper, more vengeful.

hobbies include: • breathing deeply • walking backwards • finding strength to call and ask her

*slowly puts earbuds in during your story*

it’s crazy a whole generation’s last words are gonna be “am i cooked chat”

a coke and coffee joint called bump and grind

being breedable isn't going to get you out of this one

opening a fine cigar box to reveal mozzarella sticks

did they really release a candle that smelled like gwyneth paltrow’s hoo-ha in 2020 or was that just a fever dream

got a soda in my stocking from fanta claus

I really expected Bridgerton to have more bridges.

7-layer bean dip at sunrise is only for those with a pure heart and nothing to lose

much like predatory humans, the mantis gets its victims to lower their guard by pretending to be religious

When one of you deactivates I imagine you being taken off stage with one of those big canes

expanding my mind but only height-wise. tall brain

"Quiet, piggy" I mutter to myself as I try to open a plastic bakery container in the middle of the night.

What brick through yonder window breaks?

if god is dead then who keeps smiting me

me: i know you are but what am i police officer, now under arrest: shit

Some of you wear pants at home and it shows

i bet water vapor is super happy when it’s in a cloud with the other water vapor

Nothing brings a couple closer than overhearing another couple fight at the next table.

I remember the first time I learned there were horny milfs in my area I screamed

just butting in to say leave me out of it

them: trust your gut my gut: i bet lava is delicious

I would simply not walk through The Valley of the Shadow of Death

gordon lightfoot was a prolific singer song writer. gordon heavyfoot is wanted in seven states for reckless driving

cumbersome is when something feels like cucumbers

cargo pants need a rebrand. i’m thinking ✨pockets galore✨

*performs a lobotomy and plays the empty recycle bin sound*

nobody: 90s guy wearing a suede jacket: “it’s suede”

pronounces argue like segue

the republican party used to stand for something

Supermoon, and I chose soup.

You won’t recognise the Supermoon with its glasses on.

I bet our brains will come out of this ordeal very cool and normal

i love it when a movie punches your heart right in the dick

My wife & I tried role play but we kept fighting over who would be Mr. Bean

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

I do not give ants permission to crawl on me Repost this on your own page to prevent ants from crawling on you

'You're a nice guy, but you mistake kindness for romantic interest' she flirted.

i hope my final words are “i love you” and not “ouch”

Remember, never let anyone ruin your day. It's your day. Be an adult. Ruin it yourself.

Star Trek II directors cut? You mean the long khan?