The elasticity of a condom is measured in sexual tension.

Turns out the biggest loser was actually already on the box. Fuck you Jillian Michaels.

Be like batman; break the bones of nazis

I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis I hate nazis

I'm possibly the worst Pokemon TCG player ever. 1W-12L and three of those losses were within 5 turns. If only I had a humiliation kink so I could enjoy this experience.

You’re all trapped in here with me!!!

Weed so good it could make master Yoda speak in regular sentences

fuck you the memories of a generation lost because of Reagan's homophobia will not be erased i think we should do something in DC that would make david wojnarowicz proud tbh

i wish i could physically experience the inside of a lava lamp

Communist burger restaurant called The Hammer and Pickle

quit then pussy

A refusal often offends

everyone who works at openAI should be tried as an accomplice

I am thankful for video games and weed

New pfp:

thinking abt evolving into a crab

MPA Rates ‘Zootopia 2’ PG-13 For Sexually Awakening Content https://theonion.com/mpa-rates-zootopia-2-pg-13-for-sexually-awakening-content/

Who is asking for this

Is this cheese grater conscious? Many users feel they're talking to a real person. Scientists say it's time to consider whether they're onto something.

this is the funniest possible outfit to use to advertise your spear

*gets out of bed* parkour

oh no, not the economy

maybe i am going insane

The working classes are cursed to forever carry the ghosts of the rich on their backs

They sell chicken in a bucket, the same should apply to drinks

Good morning to everyone who could be in jail but they’re not

INTERVIEWER: Did you ever sleep with Henry Kissinger? NUZZI: He was on my bucket list but we never connected while he was alive. INTERVIEWER: Obviously not now, after he died. NUZZI: No comment.

OLIVIA NUZZI: I wish I was famous for fucking a walking corpse. MONKEY'S PAW: No, you're supposed to wish something normal and then *I* twist it to something terrible. OLIVIA NUZZI: Ah. Well, I wish I was riding the cryptkeeper's dick so hard it snapped in half. And he shit in my hair.

I heard there was a Cohen song, And all the Christians got it wrong, But you don’t really get the meaning do ya? ‘Cause you see its about getting laid, It’s sex, and love, and Jewish faith, But all the gentiles heard was “hallelujah!”

me when i guy i just met bets me 5 bucks i won't get naked and rip off my own face

Any opportunity I have to post the greatest tweet of all time I'm gonna take it. This is my favorite ever.

what a day

Um excuse me waiter, there is no purpose to my life

Atreyu losing Artax really affected some of you more than you’re willing to admit

Warning label on my aftershave bottle: 'DO NOT GET INTO EYES.' Me: I'm more of an 'ass man' personally..

do you have any fucking idea how fucking insane it is that the country is dictated by the whims of a cabal of dementia addled pedophiles while literally every person i know and talk to is two audiobooks away from being a card carrying communist

sick of birds sitting on electrical wires. they’re bragging

I wish Entei was my dad

Whatever you do, do not commit suicune