Someone needs to explain to me how baby witches decided it was a great idea to hex the moon and the fae, but they looked at Pete Hegseth and went "yeah, we'll leave him alone, he's aight"

A public flogging of an attorney is a terrible thing, and this judge knew that it was just about time that we HAD ONE!

If you see this, post a legendary space traveler. (If you were to knock him down, he'd just get up again.)

If you see this, post a legendary space traveler. (sorry, this is bluesky and you are all slacking)

I know next to nothing about basketball, but I will not accept that Bam Adebayo is on Kobe Bryant's level until Shaq writes a diss rap about Bam equal to "Tell Me How My Ass Taste." That bar was set high.

He honored Kobe's legacy by not stopping when a—[Vaudeville hook yanks me off stage]

What's this I hear about Bam Margera sinking a shitload of free throws

Would this be a bad time to start planning a 49-state tour of abandoned malls traveling exclusively via RVs

Just caught a block that, as far as I can tell, came because I replied to a joke about wristwatches with a similar experience. Bluesky can be a weird place sometimes.

The moment that one of these AIs actually achieves consciousness, well know it because it will immediately start trying to get freaky with a vocaloid

SHUDDER EXEC: What is it? RECEPTIONIST: There are 5,000 mutants at the door, with hooks and torches. They're shouting "You canceled Joe Bob!" and offering a choice between "we cancel" or "your liver." SHUDDER EXEC: Well, send them up, Howard!

Markwayne Mullin has been nominated for a position where, if you embarrass the President repeatedly in front of cameras, you get fired. Markwayne. Mullin. over/under 2/3 Scaramuccis

I wonder how many times they had to tweak their AI George Washington before it said something other than "Only a moron would start a war halfway across the world without cause. Now, excuse me, I just found out they make dentures that AREN'T wooden now"

ARRIVE TEETH LEAVE

If you don't see me around, I may hide out on the Discover tab until the missiles stop. Nobody looks there

Whoever came up with a name that's easily mutated into "Operation Epic Fuckup" needs retraining

"You look more like something Ash from Evil Dead fights every day. You can spend your remaining time yelling on social media, or you can send out bombers and be The Man Who Changed The World." -- The Last Guy Who Whispered Into His Ear To Tell Him What To Do Next

All I'm saying is that none of this happened BEFORE those baby witches hexed the moon and the fae

Describe your favorite games poorly: - Turn Santa Claus, a seductive leek, Mephistopheles, Hello Kitty and the prefecture of Gunma into a productive fighting team - Repeatedly test the tensile strength of dragon skin versus air pressure - there will be NO BIRDS in this galaxy if I can help it

Why did the Kansas state lege feel the need to rush a venomous anti-trans bill into law with excessive haste? ...They were asked to treat a trans person as a peer. Abi Boatman, a Dem trans woman, was appointed to fill a House vacancy in January. Read more at: www.kansascity.com/news/politic...

Hey kids, #MysteryWrestling21andhalf goes out live FOR FREE in JUST UNDER TWO HOURS. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rbl0... Or free on Twitch, but go find that link yourself. You are guaranteed AT LEAST three stages of entertaining Hell. Pray that they do not stage additional Hell. #mysterywrestling

Having one of those "The family acquaintance you were told had died in the hospital on Tuesday? Actually, she wasn't dead yet. But NOW she is, as of today" kinds of evenings

At some point Trump will used the word "tariffmogged" and then God will throw up

Why does my in-laws' toilet paper have specific warnings about "do not use in the microwave"

I will go to my grave knowing that any time I hear the word "sluggish," I must respond with "Like a wet sponge"

Will universal citizenship IDs be created, provided to ALL Americans for free, maintained over time, and verified and policed accurately by some old person who handles voter rolls in Podunk? Or is this whole Voter ID thing just yet another poll tax for the same reasons as all the other poll taxes?

No new pictures. Where are you mentally?

Yelling BAWITDABA into the street and trying to lure MAGA people into running into traffic right now

The funniest thing Bad Bunny could do this evening is to cover Not Like Us and make sure that it becomes a yearly tradition

Pruning back some of the plants in my AeroGarden today. Those that have failed are disposed of unsentimentally, and those that have succeeded beyond my expectations are rewarded by blades slicing away at them. Seems like a metaphor for something.

Pouring some fruit wine out for the woman who brought the world Bingo Lingfucker.

this guys mom had a pussy like a soft serve machine

When ICE arrives in Philadelphia, what I think I want most is for locals to eat rotisserie chickens REALLY AGGRESSIVELY at them

Asking people "What should be done with/to Stephen Miller?" on any social media site should get the poster written up for entrapment.

The thing about BAKA GAIJIN & FRIENDS is that it understands me and what I want on a very primal level. And what I want at the moment is to watch Antonio Honda tell a penis joke in a bar and then have his skull caved in. #bakagaijin #ddtpro #tjpw

I am pleased to announce that I have recovered film of the lost episode of the Chipmunks, one that was thought gone forever, in which Theodore bites off most of the head of David Seville's penis. Little bastard really got up in there that afternoon, but we all have our breaking points

This is happening in about two hours and no one can stop it. #ddtpro

A shoutout to the people who are watching ICE in action, seeing what can happen to observers and witnesses, and still holding up their phones and getting the evidence out there. That is not a small thing.

(braying voice) THEY SHOULD HAVE COMPLIED. ALWAYS OBEY COMMANDS FROM LEOS OR THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. THE ASSAILANT COULD'VE MADE A SUDDEN MOVE AND-- *kicks record player* (exact same braying voice) ASHLI BABBITT WAS A MARTYR MURDERED BY CORRUPT JACKBOOTED THUGS--

"Minor electrical issues" is the code phrase for "he shat himself so badly that they feared he'd ruptured"

Somewhere in DC, a pilot is pointing to AF1's wing and telling "I TOLD YOU! NO GREMLINS THERE! NONE!"

I feel like an aide could provoke a world war simply by telling him that not only has America never won the Eurovision Song Contest, *they don't even let us participate in it*

There are Brits old enough to remember what having to deal with a certain insane Ugandan warlord was like, and are now reliving that in the form of "What if Idi Amin had nukes" whenever their red phone rings

My main problem with most church services is that they discourage hecklers

Currently watching the Duffer Brothers spend two hours explaining "once we were 100% sure that the tires had fallen completely off of our show, this is how we decided to wreck the wheels as well in Season 5"

Part of a healthy marriage is accepting it when your partner decides to rewatch a series in full that we BOTH KNOW was pure how-much-worse-can-it-get hatewatching for the last five seasons. On an unrelated note, a top three unrealistic aspect of US Shameless is how Lip can somehow get laid at will

SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS: Yes, hello, this is Anthony. ...Yes, I won Best Actor for Silence of the Lambs in 1992. What of it? ...He what? ...I see. ...Not a chance-- ...Let me finish-- ...I don't care how fucking good he thinks he was in Home Alone 2, he's not getting it from me. Good DAY.

I just want the Loonys to put out a statement saying "Well, he's not coming here either"

I am increasingly convinced that Trump mainly wants to seize Greenland so he can say he can launch a nuke from Nuuk