At this point, I don't even care that much HOW it happens. I just need it to be on live TV, so that footage can't be suppressed and I can get the big moment on a T-shirt

Probably shouldn't be surprised by the result I got.

As a normal man, I am sincerely feeling like H.L. Mencken today.

BRB, setting up a hip hop alter ego called MC 250 Foot Gash

Finally got an A in $200 Salary Cap mode, and JUST missed that last quarter star. 4¾★ · SHOW OF THE YEAR Cap $200/$200 5starbooker.com 🤼

Starmer outlasted my dill plant, at least

Turned on my in-laws' tv, and the first thing I heard was a Fox talking head sounding incredulous over "why are the liberals so obsessed with the reflecting pool?" Because it's a delightful metaphor for how he could and likely has fucked up many a grilled cheese sandwich?

I'm confused. As Trump signed a treaty of surrender and reparations at Versailles, SURELY there was someone standing behind him holding up a sign reading PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM, but it's not showing up in the photos

BREAKING: As per the terms of the MOU, Iran has sole custody of Toyotathon until 2050

I am here to tell you that the next time you hear someone praise him for "making gas affordable again," it is both your honor and your duty to pick up the nearest blunt object and correct said error

Someone's going to be struck by lighting right in the middle of the UFC undercard, and he will insist that THIS IS WHY I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT AMERICA NEEDS ITS BALLROOM FOR CAGEFIGHTING PURPOSES

Today's undercard: TRUMP: No, no, stop right there. This goes to a judge's decision, and I'm the judge, and I say the white guy won. JUDGE: Sir, his black opponent literally tore his head off. You can hold it if you like, it's right here. TRUMP: I'm using the TRADITIONAL American rules here

Never doubted Danhausen.

TRUMP: Why is my name covered up on the Trump Center, and who the hell wrote "Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin" on the wall? Whatever THAT means...

The removal is taking so long because they're trying to put EVERY MORNING I WAKE UP AND OPEN PALM SLAM A VHS INTO THE SLOT in its place, and they're waiting for more letters to arrive

My sense of aesthetics suggests that an alternative guillotine should exist where, rather than a sharp blade dropping for a clean cut, pulling the lever drops a jagged boulder roughly the size of a refrigerator -- and I mean one of those NICE modern fridges with an ice dispenser in the door.

If there's one thing besides "they keep fucking making more" that annoys me about the Scream movies, it's that donning the mask and becoming a psychotic Ghostface killer gives ordinary people knife-fighting skills and strength. I'm unstable as fuck and I still struggle with many pickle jar lids

Someone should have asked him to name any of the Knicks' starters just to see if he'd simply refer to them as the Madison Square Five

Without downloading new pics, what is it like to date or be married to you?

BARI WEISS: What we need you to do is explain how Renee Good possessed a hypnotic gaze that rooted the agent's legs to the ground, as well as special Antifa assault-driver training. She cut the wheel to the right so that she could Tokyo Drift her van into him sideways, crushing him instantly

I need the children of today to understand that we lived in a world in which someone could just declare "SMASH MOUTH EAT THE EGGS." And perhaps Smash Mouth would eat the eggs. Perhaps he wouldn't. But it set a strange energy into motion nonetheless. There were consequences

Waiting for the "It's time for the new wave of Rapey Democrats" op-ed, and I can name four or five bylines it could be under

If flesh-eating screwworms were really in Texas, they'd have a majority in the state legislature by now

Why do these images of him all swollen look so... familiar

Sometimes I imagine a child responding to obvious injustice, whether it's based on race, sexuality, gender or religion. Something that touches the child's life. Many times, many eras, many places. "Don't they know how mean they're being?" they ask. Yes, they do. "Then why would they DO THAT?"

I would like to meet the person who invented the idea of putting six misleading download ads pointing to malware on otherwise innocuous software download pages. To be more specific, I would like to meet that person with a hammer

I'm a big fan of allegedly serious news articles that include the phrase "aggressively nippled."

Thanks to PiTrex, my old Vectrex console can now play selected arcade vector games, video and sound demos, and homebrews that I never knew existed. I am living in the GOD DAMNED FUTURE

Mystery Wrestling It's the best thing In about 100 minutes Watch (free!) the next thing www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWsy... #mysterywrestling

I feel like Florence + The Machine should hold a Florence Vs. The Machine event just to see who would win

I do not live a good enough life for this to be that

The answer to the toilet thing is that everyone sits to relieve themselves from now on. Everyone gets Japanese bidets with 47 functions. All the urinals and troughs get collected and given to the Oh No Toilet guy to do his thing with.

In a relatively sane nation, it would be TO OUR BENEFIT that the Trumpoid base not only rejects even mildly independent thinkers, but actively tries to destroy candidates who are not openly corrupt, mentally challenged, willfully ignorant and/or bugfuck insane. I'd like to live in one of those.

So how long before Massie gets his next gig as a guest on Dancing With The Principled Shitpuppets?

I have decided that I qualify as a victim of weaponization and lawfare and am therefore entitled to compensation from the slush fund. I would like to be awarded a minor league hockey team, preferably at the ECHL level or lower, but I would settle for a new phone or something like that

Every time I hear the name "Maynard James Keenan," in my head I picture the Berries and Cream! Berries and Cream! guy from that commercial.

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle.

Pick a Bond from the photos you already have on your phone.

I have decided that the best part of my AeroGarden is that I can look at it daily and be like "That's a living thing and I made that happen and it's growing!" about its plants, and also know that I'll never have to send them to the orthodontist or to college

I was discussing gas prices with my father-in-law, and his take on why prices are high was "because the oil companies are gouging everyone on purpose" and "I don't understand why Iran's oil being higher affects us, we have our own oil." I kind of made this face.

When my grandmother was born, she didn't have eventual voting rights yet, because she was a woman. Her hometown was segregated; you can still see what were Colored doors on buildings there. One church. Didn't go? Massive sideeye. The good ol' days Trumpers long for weren't GOOD. Or even that OLD.

Finally figured out a Star Wars product that I would happily watch. Starring some random Glup Shitto type. He's not a good guy. He's not a bad guy. He's not a lover, he's definitely not a fighter. He does HVAC services for Empire buildings and light starships, long hours, decent pay.

There are many ways by which an outright racial, ethnic, religious and gender caste system may be enforced. Sometimes via the ballot. Sometimes via the law. Sometimes via the courts. Sometimes via brutal intimidation. Sometimes by violence in the night. Bigots have used and will use all five.

A reminder to all: There are many, many good people in Tennessee, as with every other state. They may need to be airlifted out at some point. But they exist in multitudes.

I saw a roadside sign yesterday reading WRITE IN DOUG MASTRIANO FOR GOVERNOR. I felt a sudden urge to plant warning signs encouraging people not to use that road any more, as it now bore a horrific taint that could be contagious via mucus membrane contact

Name your top 15 TV shows ever, gut instincts only -- The Young Ones The Carol Burnett Show Late Night with David Letterman Wacky Races Sesame Street MASH The Avengers Doctor Who, doctors 2 through 5 MST3K The Muppet Show Monty Python's Flying Circus The Gong Show Dark Shadows Spaced Rifftrax

Post an image of a game you played as a teenager

Getting a hat made that says "6913" because Millard Fillmore pushes my buttons

Statue of limitations has not expired on this tweet.

The compromise position will be to have the grand ballroom built in Greenland. Creating jobs over there, he keeps telling us that Greenland is VITAL FOR OUR NATIONAL SECURITY just like the ballroom will be, not many localized threats, and maybe he'll just stay there.