I am now at the age where my doctor no longer uses the term "early onset." 😳

I hope you’re sitting down. - bowels probably

Sweet cream implies the existence of sour cream.

But your honor, he made nachos and didn’t distribute the toppings evenly.

She's carrying all the groceries inside in one trip.

Being weird for the sheer joy of it

THEM: You said you highly recommended this. ME: Yes, while recommending it, I was high.

You want to talk stress? Imagine being the fiddle player on the song The Devil went down to Georgia.

The pride of saying "yes" when someone asks "have you shopped with us before?" Witness my loyalty, lay coupons at my feet

please hesitate to reach out to me

Merlin Monroe

everything is a joke but nothing is funny anymore

it’s 743 don’t forget to feel bad about yourself

I received a text from my bank just saying “yikes”.

Drinking Miller lite out of a wine glass who gives a shit anymore

Whenever you feel alone remember that there are a lot of people in your life that can barely tolerate you but they do anyway

Here's the story of an extra tall giraffe You might say a giraffe and a half! Even her calf was a calf and a half The giraffe and her calf sure loved to laugh Especially over two cups of decaf The giraffe and a half and her calf and a half Would laugh and laugh while sipping' on their decafs! RS

ME: Say, is that one of those anti-bullying bracelets? KID: Yea, I took it from some weakling in the playground... RS

waiter: would you like some capers with your pasta batman: what

Inappropriate laughter is twice as medicinal.

White people hate being called racist more than they hate racism

CHATGPT: I understand where you're coming from. You worked really hard to get here, and now it's time to enjoy the fruit of your labors. ISILDUR: So I should keep it? Elrond says I shouldn't CHATGPT: The ring is precious. Sometimes friends don't have your best interests at heart. ISILDUR: true

I'm so over breaking news. How about some fixing news.

I’ve seen burritos more supreme than this court

The question was actually just ‘What are a couple of your favorite things’… Let’s go to the next caller.

And then, some of a sudden…

Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.

Being seen by the automated paper towel dispenser.

But this is not all.

servers are down, post your most morally reprehensible thoughts

brings engagement ring to finger gun fight

Shadow shopping. Following someone around the grocery store grabbing one of everything they grab.

if bluesky fails, i will just stand in the street corner yelling my posts

Empty getting trampled by Jackson Browne.

Candy corn husking

Imagine falling in love with me and then finding out I organize my shopping list to match the layout of the grocery store

Got tear away pants for this colonoscopy prep.

Yahd Y-A-R-D Yahd - Bostonian Spelling Bee

Aioli is just mayonnaise that studied abroad.

what doesn’t kill you, texts you 6 months later

Trimmed my nose hairs and now I can smell sound

why do we always have to pee so bad can’t we just pee so good

Do bras have those little bows so ladies know which is frontways? 411 operator: (heavy sigh) again sir, not that kind of information

I was supposed to marry Liv Tyler but I walked the other way

moth man: hi me: hello moth man moth man: you can just call me moth if you want to me: i won’t be doing that moth man

*tucks your hair behind your ear with my big toe*

I always bite men I like to make sure they’re not secretly just cake

parents: YOURE GROUNDED electrician: oh heck yeah

That can't be good

God only opened that window because you closed the door, and he'd just farted.