I do like my cocunts toasted

sorry i yelled "goth ninjas" when we saw those nuns yesterday

i can’t even imagine how many bobs had to die to harvest all that

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

My cat got into the booth with me while I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

your honor, what's the wifi

i just want someone to groan old with

if you’re following this account, you may be entitled to compensation.

Heavy petting, but it’s me with this massive tub of peanut butter.

People don’t shoop like they used to.

If someone ever told me to shut up I’d be like: OMG, someone was listening?

I’m as if “fuck it, send” was a person

Just give me a moment with the sound of the rain.

Before breakfast, Bill Banister brought Betty big boxes of bratwurst, brisket, and braised beef, as well as banana bread, buttermilk biscuits, bottles of Budweiser beer, and buckets of baked beans for the big biannual barbecue behind Benjamin Brown's barn by Bethlehem Baptist.

I sent you a bouquet of pudding cups, please respond

Gloopy is my sexy flirting name.

Don’t just go along for the ride, bring snacks.

I'm trying my best over here, it's just that my best is pretty bad

*standing at the pearly gates* St Peter: what is the quadratic formula? Me: shit

Whenever I see someone playing solitaire I shout "Two can play this game" and flip the table.

I really admire the way a lot of people have never tried to contact me at all. Just first-class own-business-minding on their part.

not anymore

This is the worst thing I’ve ever written *post*

We in the southern hemisphere spin out of control in a clockwise direction (With our pinky fingers out, cause classy)

wife: i wonder what he did me: probably perjury wife: perjury? me: lion under oath wife: … me: in a sealed courtroom wife: … me: plus, he had fishy alibi wife: are you almost done? me: fin

me: but how can I be touching myself inappropriately if I gave myself consent? cop: Walmart is not the place to be having this discussion, sir

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly

why do the people in this administration look like actual Austin Powers villains?

It’s about time corduroy was restored to its rightful place in the hierarchy of pants.

Don't even talk to me until i've had my demonic possession

taxi full of jello would fix me

a tourniquet for my soul please

I always carry a piece of paper in my pocket just in case someone ever tries to attack me with a rock

I am the undispoted kong of typos

Not to brag but i make all my own itches from scratch

sadly, some of the lesser-known members of the justice league seem to have become lost to history

Creature from Narnia: we are dignified and intelligent, and welcome you to our land Me: can I pet you?

It’s official — I’m now “who the fuck are all of these stars on ‘Dancing with the Stars’” years old

I just Googled “How to take out stitches at home” if you’re wondering who’s a cheap lazy idiot.

A shitpost that overshoots funny but keeps going until it hits fatuous.

(Me, relaxing on the couch) My cat: hi i'm here to walk on your nuts

congratulations everyone, we’ve finally reached the point where the term “bad news” is redundant

“you don’t choose them, they choose you,” I say, talking about mental illnesses

unless he’s shoved into a casket, I don’t care what he looks like right now

How do people get into blowing things up as a job? Asking for me.

That's not funny. My grandfather died fighting the Foo

Grandma always said, ‘Never shit in your own pants. And if you do, blame it on someone else.’

The only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is the socks.