No spoilers please. I can’t wait to see what drama happens next on White POTUS.

Doing jokes about computer memory as a bit

My phone is such a slut, it connects to every router it meets.

List of fucks given. 1. Zero

I can't believe you forgot me on your birthday.

You haven't experienced real friendship until you've called a radio station to request a song, while your friend frantically gets the cassette ready to record it.

You haven't cried until you've heard me sing my version of The Rose

If life doesn’t give you lemons, just eat a steak.

bidets only work if you’re euro peein’ . folks,,

I am not just sitting here I'm experimenting with potential energy.

Imagine if Sloths knew Tai Chi

Deny. Defend. Destroy. Dispussy.

I'm too apathetic to care.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to mistake my flirting for a stroke

The writing was on the wall, but the text was indecipherable.

Honestly we're really not experiencing high call volumes at the moment but fuck you lol

Friend: There’s somebody I want you to meet. Me: I know enough people.

My houseplants when I'm chugging water 1st thing in the morning.

Don't forget to peel the skin off of the turkey tomorrow and wear it on your face to impress the relatives

On Bluesky, we refer to them as “reply gentlemen”.

Sorry I accidentally sent you porn when I was introducing myself lol

If you sit on the toilet for more than one hour, you become the default queen/king of the building.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I'm fat and dumb.

I love this place. It's jokes, it's pet pictures and it's me trying not to lose my mind.

People will tell you that honesty is the best policy. But i've found that some well composed bullshit works just as well.

*wrapping a kidney in paper Well, that's secret Santa sorted.

there are a lot of pulsating b hole vids on here for a Sunday like A LOT

Not using AI until it can yell at me in Gilbert Gottfried’s voice.

[eyeball dangling from socket] Haha I think it’s just allergies

ME: I’m going to give you some advice on how to get through your anatomy exam. SON: Ok, I’m all ears. ME: Ok. Wow. We have a lot more work to do than I thought.

I still don’t understand what part of the monkey the wrench is for.

Just because you have boobs doesn't mean you're better than I am. Unless you're a woman.

“Hey! My eyes are up here” My gynecologist: …

Please read my posts in order of palpable desperation.

I'm trying your best.

relaxed fit coffins

You're the space heater to my house fire.

I learned that snails can sleep for up to three years Now I know what I want to be when I grow up

Wanna take mushrooms and watch the yule log channel for 12 hours?

Just finished that roll of Costco cling wrap I opened back in '03

Of course it makes perfect sense, I just fucken said it

My dog got a credit card offer in the mail. I’m about to ruin his credit.

McDonald's secret sauce is so different and exotic you could travel to a Thousand Islands and never find anything like it.

I’m in the mood to complicate the fuck out of something

You look like you enjoy using one ply toilet paper

My wife calls my package Junk Male

“Maybe some other time” he said, stepping into his time machine.