the jerk store called they're running out of paprika

First that guy steals a hat from that kid. Then the lady takes that baseball. It could just me but maybe little kids need to be tougher.

I believe in Bigfoot because Bigfoot believes in me

Yes I heard your horn the first time a split second after the light turned green. Why do you think I'm typing this.

Sydney Sweeney is in my driveway trashing my car with a baseball bat boy were you guys right about her

Fool me once, shame on you Fool me twice shame on me Fool me a third time hey this is a pretty good scam can i get in on this

I know Jesus was a carpenter but I think he would've been a better plumber, you know, with the water thing

My weight loss goal is to have an old man pelvis so it looks like my legs go straight up into my back

they have long term treatments for traumatic brain injuries now you should ask about it

Let's just get you muted there little fella

What this country needs is a unifying event. Like the Moon landing, or Woodstock, or maybe Jonestown. Something like that

My life is like a Wes Anderson movie. It's boring and i never know what the Hell is going on

[turning off my hearing aids] My girlfriend: You don't wear hearing aids Me: WHAT?

Everything i know about Greek mythology i learned from Iron Maiden

I dont know why when there's a stand off, the police don't just toss a wasp's nest in there. Nobody's staying in a house once that comes through the window

Sorry baby you have to pay for dinner I only carry doubloons

My friends call me Snake because when I'm startled I vomit up everything I ate that day

If you carry a bowling ball with you everywhere eventually you become the bowling ball guy and when you stop people will wonder where the bowling ball guy went.

Next time you go to a wedding wear a sombrero. Long after the divorce people will still talk about the guy wearing the sombrero

If you hang a big enough bug zapper in your yard eventually Stevie Nicks will walk right into it

Her: Where were you?? Me: Wailing on people doing Tai Chi in the park Her: Aren't they 80 years old?? Me: Hey it's all martial arts

Oh no, we don't go in there. That room belongs to the spiders

Her: What are your plans for tonight? Me [plugging in my mechanical bull]: Nothing

RIP Ozzy Osbourne

I have no idea if music today is bad. I haven't heard any new music since 2003

If you like seasoned fries you can go to Hell

I need Life Alert. I'm not elderly, I just do a lot of stupid shit

New feature? Wow it's like living in the future (btw: no)

You know how people will flash their lights at you to warn you about a cop that's up ahead? I don't do that because I WANT you to get a ticket

wait until everyone sees my step for step recreation of James Cagney's dance from Yankee Doodle Dandy

The internet was a mistake

Me [getting the electric chair]: Don't let them shave my head

Made an appointment to have more vericose veins installed

Everyone knows to not make bees mad but they do it anyway

The Alan Parson's Project is playing here this weekend so if anyone is looking for their dad maybe check there

Money saving tip: Drop dead and get buried in a pauper's grave

[getting wrestled to the ground] WHY DO WE REFRIGERATE MILK IT'S WARM IN THE COW [punching noises]

You can't live in Key West without at least one DUI conviction

Happy Father's Day if you're a dad. And if you're not you can go to Hell

Back when I was in high school and they asked me what I wanted to be, no one even knew "asshole with a computer" was even going to be a thing

The theme to the Greatest American Hero is the best song ever written. If you don't believe me, why are you singing it in your head right now

@bobjanke.bsky.social Happy random meet upaversary Bob

RIP Brian Wilson

I lied and told everyone I was 5'6 and now I'm sorry I did that

This restaurant better be an immersive dining experience or I'm out of here

I hope my neighbors like my new bag pipes

The first drive-in theater opened on this date in 1933

Most people don't know that Jimmy Buffet's body has been tied to that Southern Most Point In the U.S. buoy in Key West since 2023

Me [acting cool in front of a cute girl] Her: are you having a stroke

When a baby is about to be born, someone always has to boil water. It's for the baby's first hot dogs.