7th grade me in the middle of math class for absolutely no reason:

A shelf cloud came to visit me today and honestly, way cooler than any human that has ever showed up uninvited.

Absolutely loving this new merch design from New Bedford Whaling Museum store.whalingmuseum.org/en-gb/produc...

😂😂

shout out to The Strand bookstore staffer who did this

Nation Wakes Up From Strange Dream Where They Were Watching Soccer https://theonion.com/nation-wakes-up-from-strange-dream-where-they-were-watching-soccer/

19-year-old Pvt. Isabella Gonzales died defending this country. Think about that while politicians demonize immigrants and terrorize Latino communities. Americans with names like Gonzales have always fought, bled, and died for this nation. RIP to her and Lt. Tyler Feehan. 🇺🇸

My wife and I don't finish each other's sentences anymore - we just interrupt each other with better versions of the same story.

Just stopping to smell the flowers. 🧶 #crochet #amigurumi #bees

How do I know my sister hates me and has always been secretly jealous of me? She sent me one of those DIY, punch-out, wooden, book nooks with those teeny, tiny, finicky pieces that you have to glue together.

The number of #Perseid meteors seen over the next week will be around 1-2 per hour. The rate will improve gradually as we head into August. The peak is on the night of 12-13 August. Numbers will also be high on 11-12 and 13-14 August. #Astronomy #PerseidsMeteorShower

Notice how all the actual experts (including the pilot and his boss) understand how dangerous this Blue Angels mistake was? Elite professionals put ego aside and relentlessly pursue perfection. Meanwhile, the partisans on Twitter tell you accountability is weakness. 🙄

The US built the greatest talent magnet ever, attracting the smart, skilled, and striving. They’d come to study, then stay and build things here, or leave with positive impressions and fruitful connections. Helped make the US wealthy and powerful. Then America chose to throw it away. And for what?

Imagine if a woman president spent most her time raving and crying about an election she lost 6 years ago. Emotional. Unstable. Hysterical. Unfit to lead.

i never really left

Misery doesn't love company, misery loves unlimited pizza buffets.

Your own, personal, Jesus, in this economy?

i don't know if my belly fat is stubborn because i've never asked it to do anything

I still can't get over the fact that our politicians get $558 per week for meals... WTAF? While kids get cut off SNAP 2,232 per month, just for meals. I will be mad about this for a long time. They have the nerve to deny low income kids food

my "non-verbal" autistic daughter does speak pretty friggin' clearly when she's correcting me on colors, girl those pants look green to me but I suppose you're right they are teal

I have created a diorama of the Partridge family attacking the Brady Bunch family. My life is very boring.

hey, remember: don't eat anything and don't breathe

thanks to whoever left this awesome giant sheep outside the museum! we're sure nothing bad is going to happen

i say we take off and nuke the lettuce from orbit. it’s the only way to be sure.

Using “news” and “content” interchangeably here really gives the whole game away, doesn't it?

As controversy rages about yesterday’s World Cup officiating, coaching, and the banner, we get this from Number 10: “The Prime Minister wishes both teams well in the final, particularly Spain." A masterclass in classic, dry British humor and typical understatement from Downing Street. #worldcup

Eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at Baskin Robbins to avoid contaminated foods. I'm protecting my health, after all.

Every instruction manual starts with an unbelievable amount of faith in me

Was just enjoying my chocolate cake and ice cream breakfast bowl when someone comes along and says do you know how many calories of sugar and fat is in that ? And anyways I need bail now.

i have once again decided to be difficult

So we’re wrecking the planet and enriching billionaires so Google can answer my question with an old Reddit post great work everyone

At a job interview. The company owner just called to say she's running late. I smell a raise in my future 😁

YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!

I feel safe enough to admit that when I read the British spelling of 'diarrhoea', I pronounce it like Tarzan would.

Art by Matt Ferguson

ME: Sleep with one eye open JAMES HETFIELD: gripping your pillow tight ME: *scribbling out ‘like a dolphin’* Yeah, that’s probably better.

Again. This is the author. What are we doing here?

Ennui! At the Grocery Store

You may not love me anymore, but I bet this Costco sheet cake still does.

It's raining so hard right now you can only make out the darker outline of our treeline, you can't actually see the trees.

Listen. I know my mom doesn't *mean* to hurt my feelings. But when my husband goes out of his way to help her and she verifies and double-checks with 3 other people *before* accepting what we knew was best from the beginning... it's like... well... now we don't want to help you.

Chasers of Dusk and Dawn

Minutes ago, a hummingbird squared up to me – inches away – as if to say, put more sugar water in those feeders, bitch. This happens every summer

When people say their place is a mess and it's neater than your place has ever been

nice, france

It really is..

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.” “Yep.” “Is he making that stupid face?” “Yep.”

𝘐𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘰 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘴 is Latin for you must be crazy to want to have kids.