Man I didn’t think this pig could look more like a pervert but then he puts on this coat

ditching my bike and swinging on the powerlines like a gibbon

I hope aliens are real because I'd like to try their milk.

I have no doubt the thing that will break me will be 2 factor authentication

At Costco and saw the chips whose ads kept interrupting the youtube videos I'd been watching so I drop kicked six of them into the personal care aisle

Open message to any squirrels that might be reading this: It's OK to let me approach you, I mean you no harm, in fact I believe we could one day become powerful allies

The fourth word my husband said to me today was "Sussudio"

[millennial trying to fire a younger coworker] so you lowkey don’t work here anymore, unc

This is your sign to stop everything and make yourself funnel cakes.

Going to a Payless ShoeSource could fix me

i feel like this is all happening cause we stopped pumping up the jam

We turned away from the light when we invented a way to go online without the computer screaming in warning.

The 80's was mostly saxophone. Mostly.

Sometimes it's nice to remember the time a man and his miniature pony were lost in my neighborhood.

I only know about 10% of the words to Informer and no, that does not stop me.

Mambo #5 was the confession of a serial killer

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

If you ever see a cat in public it is your civic duty to assist that cat with whatever matters it is currently engaged in, regardless of legality or personal financial cost

“.. People take part in a rally on the day of a general strike to protest U.S. President Donald Trump's deployment of thousands of immigration enforcement officers on the streets of Minneapolis, Minnesota.” @reuters.com

The feminine urge to burn all insurance companies to the ground

Good morning from Northern Minnesota, where it's currently 0°F. Bit chilly for out-of-towners, eh?

I need a compilation video of ICE morons slipping and falling on the ice, please. It warms my cold Minnesotan soul.

Do you know how frickin pissed off you have to make Minnesotans for them to not only NOT help you, but HECKLE you?

ICE lies

Just yesterday DHS was taunting us on social media. Now they've come to our city and killed a legal observer. How much more can we take? We are being invaded and shot by our own government for the purposes of generating content for a mob of Nazis on the internet.

You can teach your kids fake words if you want. My toddler thinks “Hellobius” is a normal greeting

hate to pile on but dragons are real and biting people

If I ever win the lottery, there will be signs.

I don’t get Channing Tatum as a concept or as a person.

Too bad, slopguy

*werner herzog voice* hamburger will never help you

they should trap quentin tarantino in the criterion closet

Speaking ill of Rob Reiner, now that should cost you your job

Mel Brooks having to bury Rob Reiner is against all laws of nature and I’m not ok about it

a new jersey-based christmas tree delivery service called Spruce Bringsteen

If youre asking me to fax something in the year of our lord 2025, im allowed to smoke in your office

holy shit that’s not actually a reindeer! it’s a camry

good morning substance abusers

Disassociation Station, party of one!

Ooooo baby do you know what that's worth? Ooooo heaven is a place on earth

The hummingbirds are up to something. Head on a swivel people

all pillows are throw pillows when the people in your house are annoying af

Welcome to Bluesky: Weird Al is on here but you sometimes don’t immediately get told that. That’s most of the important information.

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

Grandma?

eat shit hemmingway

If the devil jumped up on a hickory stump, I would shit my pants