I will invent a device

refusing to leave the doctors office until they tell me how powerful my brain is

Did it happen? Yeah, it did. The teacup monkey I ordered from Malaysia in an attempt to go viral has died. I think it just came with a bunch of diseases. It bit me. Unpleasant little creature. It froze to death overnight. My apartment is cold.

have to fight a dinosaur

DONALD TRUMP IS DEAD to me

sorry i lied when i said it was an evil clone that borrowed that money. i was feeling jealous about how much time you were spending with some of my evil clones. anyways it was actually a shapeshifter

happy holiday

An IRL friend of mine's father was kidnapped by ICE and sent to El Paso. I'm looking for help reaching people in or supporting cases at the El Paso ICE facility. Please let me know (DM) if you can help.

you don't need to be paranoid iff you: - never tell anyone your name - never have a friendship or romantic entanglement - never go to the same place twice in your life - find all your clothes on clothing lines - angle your gun around corners and loose a few rounds before looking

(throwing balled up shirt on the ground) YOU HAD ONE JOB (turning to crowd gathering around me) Don't look at me like that! I could be you! Or you! I could be any one of you—any of you could be me! (realizing somehow my pants also came off in the struggle) this is a uh prank show. goodbye

pulling on a shirt or sweater doesn't feel like it should be able to go as wrong as it can and does

want a switchblade just for emphasis, a rhetorical device

(surreptitiously eating the detective's dinner while he circumambulates the long table explaining how someone in this room killed the chancellor)

i plan to never follow a series of cryptic messages to my untimely death

to the chagrin of many a philosopher, recently discovered documents reveal that the owners of the ship of Theseus may have grossly exaggerated how much had been replaced in order to increase the resale value

between episodes of my podcast i hunt vampires. that's my idea for a tv show

I'm wearing a QR code for ordinary reasons

jack daniels can be classified as either bourbon or whiskey, since bourbon and whiskey are simply different names for identical products

hey sorry I can't come out tonight but me and the adobe acrobat ai assistant are getting to the bottom of particle-wave duality

we need to shrink down to get inside the computer

inspect all gems thoroughly prior to consumption

the worst part of living in a small town is having to solve all these murders. the murders are pretty cool though

People talk about "laser-focussed". But I'm shooting my lasers all over the place.

might watch a movie set in italy (filmed in spain, all english dialogue) and spend the next week dressed brightly using a bizarre accent and saying things like, my friend you must learna about the good life, cowbella

there's very little evidence that I'm a shapeshifter infiltrator

I have mastered the technique of pressing the lever so I almost always get a pellet and rarely shocked

done with this year. next

demons have cracked my chest open and are pulling my organs out and are eating them like apples; otherwise I'd totally get out of bed

We need to be digging trenches and tunnels

nothing in my head pays rent. am I supposed to be charging rent? how do you collect this money

God news guys, your fears have been determined to be well founded and reasonable by the International Worry Council

how to run a tech blog 1: get the worst typeface 2: get the worst color scheme 3: buddy you're going to need A LOT of animated gifs

hold still as a series of laser beams cuts you into fine strips

You never see Predator put a spine back into someone. It really is true that it’s easier to destroy than create.

hate to pile on but dragons are real and biting people

done with this year. next

finally escaping samsara and immediately landing in samsara 2

nice book, loser. does it even have a colophon or is it ashamed of its typeface selections?

let's make 2026 the year we finally build a bullet large enough to kill the sun

people get so mad when I dig up utility lines or graves, as though I am somehow responsible for what fate puts before my shovel

RT if you awoke to find yourself in a "the most dangerous game" style situation

start getting used to saying "oh hey it's that robot that runs arround killing people" NOW

i hate being stabbed. if you're thinking of getting me a present, pick something else!

hearing exploding. war on christmas escalating

my understanding is that you can only be arrested for a crime you commit in the same year it was committed

Due to an unfortunate accounting error, it will remain 2025 until at least March. We will keep you updated as we learn more. Our apologies for any inconvenience. —The Management

Hey man you objectively have to give me your sandwich. This has nothing to do with me, it’s objective

{right as the sniper is squeezing the trigger} hey yo we go radio silent yet? i was in the can

scientists should do something with lasers? or perhaps another beam?

didn't see this one posted. only internet image I bother to keep on my phone