the ghost chasing me is very rude

(touching window gently) protect me from Outside

taking out a bottle marked condensed whole turkey and shaking a dozen pills down my throat [Nb this is in the future i am also on a spaceship]

i hate getting my Fingers cut off but i love cutting them off

pov from stump remover robot showing pixelated version of my face with text STUMP DETECTED

no one is buying my vomit-themed jello

doing that thing where the powerdrill gets through the hard part and the bit slams in all at once, while autotrepanning

always the beheader never the beheaded

I remember when death cults weren’t political

i invented venetian blinds out of a sustained and blinding hatred of for all that is good in life

If we referred to the number 342 as “bludgeoned and hurt” instead of “three hundred and forty two”, we’d probably have a joke along the lines of “Why was 340 afraid of 341?”. Plus because of the butterfly effect dinosaurs might still be around

i love feminist cinema [when a dude gets his sack trashed]

The Council of Profound Evil will now decide your fate

First off, I didn't throw "some bug" at you. I threw my specially trained war scorpion. Secondly, please give it back.

I'm sorry I made the entire town gather to watch me transform into an eagle when I knew I did not have such a power. The situation got away from me. I am not sorry for the other stuff.

I've had the surgery from face/off the 1997 action movie starring nicholas cage and john travolta directed by john woo

taking all antidotes constantly just in case

please stand if you have ever been misled. now remain standing if you have ever been bamboozled

hearing rumors a new technology might exist in the future

I hate that all propaganda and advertisements work on me immediately regardless of content.

feels like california being returned to mexico gets more likely every day {looking at self in mirror} lo siento, mi español es muy malo

mammals

the matthew lesko question mark suit should be the official uniform of the president of the united states. I don't think it would solve everything but couldn't hurt

I'm known in gambling circles as "the only man to ever lose money on scratchers", to be clear I lost money manufacturing scratchers. My worst performing product was "Klaus Kinski's Millions", available exclusively in New Mexico, twelve were ever sold, nine of them winners.

been fading in and out of existence ever since i was killed in the past but it's been going on for years now so at this point I'm basically used to it

I can't wait to pound my fists and scream "Lunch!" at exactly twelve noon tomorrow

if they automate being a broke loser its over for me

they should make a laser that makes you smarter if you point it in your eye..... maybe they already do................

if you bump into someone remember to lift their keycard so it looks like you meant to do it

it turns out I'm claymated

vampire biting my neck even though i said quit it ya dang vampire

love when you're like "damn that actor was great what happened to them" so you look on imdb and they've been in 600 episodes of the Christmas Detective

This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t

doing karate fights with spies

building up an immunity to lightning by being struck by progressively more energetic bolts

the howling oaf

killed a bunch of my scientists because my clones kept coming out wrong but it turned out it was just one of those things like when you a hear a recording of your voice and it sounds different

stepped on a tile in an ancient temple and it sunk into the floor and now everything is trying to kill me

My new product "Chocolate For Dogs" has a lot of people in the chocolate innovation investment community very excited, but its also making a lot of the people in the dog industry very angry at me. What gives? Do they hate progress?

we are the only company that manufactures ammunition FOR MEN

secret portals link zoos

If you invite me over for dinner and you don't have a giant pig roast with an apple in its mouth, I'm stealing something out yo house!!

cars should run on nuclear power and they should have woefully inadequate shielding and a complete lack of fail safes

I'm inventing a process I call "knowledge blasting" where you read a book containing facts

you image search helicopter. you select a photo. you print it. you walk to a filling cabinet. you unlock a drawer. you find the correct folder and place it inside. you close and lock the cabinet. you walk back to your chair. you stare at your knees.

far off lands near me

I keep on finding little candies on the floor one right after the other well I'll give it up after this one. Or just one more. Wait one more. Wait one more. Wait one more. Wait one more

for fear it would make the encounter sound made up no one who meets bigfoot mentions that he talks exactly like crocodile dundee

day 2 of inventing the ham wallet, the only wallet made of deli meat: unforeseen complications have brought the nature of the project into question