shooting down a UFO with a tommy gun

need someone to explain orbital combat maneuvering to me in the next 30 seconds

pounding the bottom of my fists on the table chanting FREAK OUT FREAK OUT FREAK OUT

I think it's time we all start panicking and freaking out about everything

i still havent invented a machine for New Machine monday

surgeon's love to say "we are unable to replace your hand with one big claw"

I can't believe I have to say this again. the "cigarettes for babies" I sell do not contain ANY nicotine. sure, the stuff about the lead and mercury is technically true. some fentanyl

the purpose of a rube goldberg machine is what it does eventually

stop asking me whothe next james bond should be. not my job

Sorry cast members, no tips today. This Disney adult’s wallet is feeling a little “Goofy” from these darn gas prices

I'm being torn apart by demons. no, not really. sorry. those were just words i said not something that actually happened. but it could. chilling

in my day when the invaders from the galaxy of Doom shot you with a dissolve-o-ray you wouldn't dissolve you just kinda fell down and closed your eyes

Instead of getting a business degree, you could take out a loan and spend it all on scratchers

oh hey you may hear a scifi noise and begin a fearsome transformation later today, just fyi

Q. Will there be email at the party? A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.

We can’t afford to take any chances. It’s time to sink the hantavirus ship, and all other cruise ships. No survivors.

i seem to have released some kind of bird demon monster thing and it's heading toward town. not sure who to call about something like that so I'm just going home

it's the weekend: time to get in your work simulator and practice for next week

skeletons can only give little dry bites. a wet bite is not from a skeleton.

Prepare For The Void

make yourself comfortable, just be careful with all the guano piles. oh those? i'm kind of an amateur investor and i think the haber process is a flash in the pan so i've gone long on guano

never. stop. bleeding. #mysteriousWounds

happy holiday

knocked the time machine over and it's bouncing top over bottom down the hill and each time it hits the ground history changes

(grabbing different mushrooms off the forest floor and eating them) no you don’t have to identify them that’s a myth

if you aren't losing 2-3 lab assistants on the regular your unnatural experiments with life and death arent nearly ill-advised enough

garbage travel gong barely makes any noise

time to fight in space

Are you passionate about driving customer success and motivated by client satisfaction? Then fuck you! Go to therapy!!

(foaming at mouth) rabies is so cool you're going to love it

do rich moves make rich money it's that simple

(posting in the timeline where gene mods drop on the reg but all the good ones have been done but everyone is still chasing that original high) prehensile eyelids WHEN

I'm a credible witness and a reliable narrator

need a lot of blood not a lot of questions

it's okay to bring a knife to a gun fight if you also bring a gun. it's not forbidden or anything. the rules could be phrased better

hate being ensnared in a trap and you can't tell whether it was set by dastardly villains or local scamps

i could get by on as little as one sack of treasures a week

there have been a lot of rumors about illegal dumping offshore causing a kelp forest to join together into an indestructible killing machine terrorizing locals up and down the coast. well, it's all true. we're not going to do anything about it.

remember: it's NEVER too early to escalate a situation

funny how the only people you hear talking shit about pyramid schemes are the ones who aren't about to receive a hundred-fold return on their modest investment

firing a gun into the air because no one is paying attention to me

oregon trail but for going out into the desert and founding a new civilization

Wasting your entire life can feel daunting. Just focus on wasting one hour at a time and you'll get there

If you're a first time SNL watcher, please keep an open mind. Most of these skits are not funny but they all have something to teach us.

I remember back before violence was political it was just something you would inflict on a stranger for looking at you wrong

inner monologue: I'd bet I'd act cool if a snake bit me and just calmly remove it without harming the snake [computer simulations estimate 65% chance I yell FUCK when noticing an ant in an unexpected context]

tired of mayonnaise that doesn't kill you? try Poisoned Mayo today!

so now writing something down and going for a run with your items is a crime?

renouncing my us citizenship to get out of a parking fine

many tiny dragons biting me