(unboxing military grade jet pack) zero percent chance i get trapped in a corn maze this year i stg

I hope the military stays safe in Portland. When I took my family there we were terrified of the largest Japanese garden in the US, the independent book store selling banned books, the massive & free rose garden, and urban green spaces. What a hellscape.

Oh, your apple orchard does a hayride? That’s cool. We go to one that doesn’t have a name and features ancient trees planted deep in the woods by a Louisiana Purchase-era drunk. They have a series of progressively more depressing barn cats and an open barrel labeled “Cyder?” It’s not on Google

sexual misconduct? shouldnt they call it sexual misterconduct

My dearest Martha, I send you all my love from this war-torn ravaged place, where our hardships surpass comprehension. Yesterday, a barista gave me a whole milk latte when I specifically ordered skim. Later, a young woman with strangely colored hair glanced at me disapprovingly.

Fred Armisen: Are you going to the war? Carrie Brownstein: No, there's supposed to be a really good potluck after the dog fashion show

The Sunken Bell is an unpleasant pub. Grim men, salt-scarred and edging mania, hold to its tables as if to let go would cast them adrift in some terrible storm. Even the local farm perries cannot compensate for what can only be called an atmosphere of doom. - Hookland Fruit Cider Pub Guide, 1980

Me, pausing mowing my lawn to wave at my trans neighbor as he unloads groceries with his kids: Kinda wild we're both an FBI watch list, isn't it?

You guys. It’s clearly not the massive kleptocracy of dunces destroying our was of life for pay from garbage sources, it’s probably someone questioning their gender identity in an Arby’s in Ohio somewhere. Akron, maybe.

Not everyone you meet is going to like you. You need to accept that those people are hideously ugly

electrolysis is the gom jabbar of transsexuality

The Treasure Puzzler was known for designing complex puzzles that hid treasure from Batman. Upon solving the puzzle, Batman would hear the "treasure unlocked" sound and the treasure would be automatically added to Batman's Treasure Bank, where he could trade the spoils for upgrades and stimulants.

Holy shit Amelia Earhart brought down building 7

Though he maintains his innocence, shocking new evidence points to a hidden obsession with murder and death, as confirmed by this undated photo that shows the suspect smiling while giving a “peace sign,” which police experts say is short for “Rest in Peace,” a common phrase among serial killers

the nation is being run by people who used to microwave their hamsters

I remember the first time I saw a pride flag as a kid it was on a cereal box in a grocery store my parents screamed in horror as they tried to avert my gaze but much to their chagrin my eyes devoured that flag and at that moment I knew I wanted to be a leprechaun

Autism is: fine, common, normal The problem is a world where only some brains are valuable/able to succeed. If we are concerned about Autism as a "problem," there are real tangible things we could be doing to make the world better for everyone instead of pretending we can prevent neurodiversity.

I wonder, if I as a government official using official channels posted a whole screed about Tylenol and vaccines with an explicit set of medical instructions not backed by any current overseeing medical organization, would that count as Unlicensed Practice of Medicine? Asking for an enemy.

BIDEN POST: We helped firm up this nifty old bridge so it didn't collapse. MEDIA: Biden's focus on infrastructure is just a sneaky way to make everyone "woke". TRUMP POST: [batshit crazy rant ordering women not to use Tylenol] MEDIA: He's using his position to spread important health information.

damn this is how i find out that amelia earhart died? FUCK

thinking back to the time i let my friend chris who had never played d&d join our campaign and the only thing he said the entire time was "i smite him"

people don’t have paintings with eye holes through which they might watch their unassuming guests anymore

No. Your friends don't secretly hate you. You're just dehydrated.

here's 17 year old incel thurston brandypimple to lecture you on the importance of traditional masculinity. in his spare time he collects doilies and lynching post cards. he just received a $2b endowment from peter thiel's committee to blow up schools with cruise missiles.

What the fuck?

RELEASE THE EPSTEIN AND TRUMP AND MUSK AND BANNON FILES AND MAY EVERY DAY BE ANOTHER WONDERFUL SECRET

Turned out all of these are true.

ME: hey mr. tambourine man, play a song for me MAN: *tambourine noise* ME: great

Before dispensaries, you had to know this guy to buy weed.

I always feel like I’m forgetting something, but it’s actually always several things

toxic masculinity has entered the chat

*the elevator stops as I step onto it* I am being assassinated

be kinda funny if you got to heaven and it was just a bunch of babies stacked wall to wall

Sitting on the porch all day peeling and pitting a whole family size bag of peanut m&ms

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

you’re telling me this entire Siberian Orchestra is trans?

gloryhole where a soft voice just whispers in your ear that everything is going to be okay

Yes, I changed my avi I apologize for any confusion, but the mask stays on as long as humanity continues to be menaced by the forces of evil Also, I'm a sexy robot clang clang brzzt 😉

"Tickle Me Plato" Is this a thing? Someone write that down

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can't float around anymore

Morning walk

the hills are alive with the sound of me dying on this hill

Had a bit of engine trouble on the first ride of the season

CHOTINER: Operating Pleasure Island for free, it must be expensive COACHMAN: It is, but at the end of the day, it helps lure the children we turn to donkeys CHOTINER: And selling the donkeys is more lucrative than simply operating an amusement park? COACHMAN: We don't do what we do for the money

ANCHOR: we're getting new reports that the bullets were engraved JENNIFER/ WILL YOU/ MARRY ME and that the shooter, Roy Meriwether of North Elm— OTHER ANCHOR: oh my god, Roy, yes! ANCHOR:—died in a shootout with police

sneezing counts as masturbating, sins-wise

GO AHEAD AND CONTACT YOUR OMBUDSPERSON, KEVIN. I'LL WAIT. (me not understanding that an ombudsperson is not like an Oompa Loompa)