Sue Grafton's Z̵͔͗ is for Z̵͔͗ả̷̧ĺ̸̻g̶̣̀ö̷̼́

[1993, The Breeders concert] Kim Deal: 🎶 I'm just looking for one divine hammer 🎶 Me, leaning to the person next to me and shouting: SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A PENIS

legally they won’t be able to call it March Madness much longer, due to the continuous rise of all the Every Single Day Madness

violinist: have you never done this before? you should probably turn around. it’s time to face the music conductor: what

Getting prescription sunglasses. Doctor says I'm not cool enough.

idk if you know this but the cereal called life isn’t very lifelike at all there’s not even any blood in it

interviewer: tell us about yourself me: can’t, i’m an unreliable narrator

*breaking up with Thom Yorke* I don't care what's in your head. I just don't think your RadioHEART is in this.

In the future, regular currency will be replaced a special kind of digital currency, where every time you spend it, an angry gnome with needlelike teeth appears and chews on your face. It's called BiteCoin. And the finance bros love it.

𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘳𝘺’𝘴 𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 is my favorite film about deviled eggs.

Autism is a Spectrum

restaurant manager: hey so, sorry to bother you, but is that a service animal? it's just, we have a policy- jabba the hutt: je wonna wonga, bazda wahota shonga salacious b crumb: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA restaurant manager: ah. ok. cool

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

pls join me for my 8hr live twitch stream where i will stare at a wall and sigh

I CANNOT JUST KEEP HIKING UP MY PANTS WHEN THINGS GO WRONG. IF I HIKE UP MY PANTS ANY FURTHER, I WILL BE DROWNING IN PANT.

Oops! All Balls

[at a spider wedding] congratulations to the newlywebs

thinking of coming up with a right-wing grift for some additional income. tactical toilet paper or pencils that aren’t woke, something lazy like that

How my brain organizes my office space: ADHD: Leave that there! And, that? Throw it on the pile! Oh, hey! I forgot that existed! Where's my WACOM pen? What day is it? Oh, my car keys! Autism: [absolutely furious this single sheet of paper is slightly unaligned with the edge of my desk]

Does a slug look at a snail and say to themselves “one day I too will be a homeowner”

not now babe i’m filling the bathtub with wrasslin’ jello

I'm generally a fan of all kinds of music, but I just can't get on board with modern country Every song is basically some guy with an over-exaggerated twang, singing a slight variation of the same refrain: truck, truck, truck, girl, boots, my dog, ice cold beer, I hate woke, truck, truck, beer

cop: know why I pulled you over? me: *sliding off of elephant* zoo wants its elephant back? cop: *nodding* the zoo wants its elephant back

badly tangled up in a big harp. worried nobody's going to come into this room and find me for a long time. how often do people play big harps. doesn't seem like very often. what if they find me and i'm just bones on the floor. would look like i got smashed to bits by a harp. kind of a neat outcome

At my latest colonoscopy they discovered the wizard roleplaying miniature I lost when I was 12 Guys Turns out The magic was inside me all along

In the story of Humpty Dumpty it is never said that he is an egg. However, it is never said that he is NOT an egg. This means that any character in ANY story could be an egg unless explicitly stated otherwise. Keep that in mind when you read a Jack Reacher novel

GOD: Noah, I said build an "ark." What the heck is this? NOAH: An arc reactor. GOD: But... NOAH: I AM IRON MAN

pumpernickel sounds like an old timey wind-up sex toy and now you wanna buy one too

With this turtleneck and a Herbie Hancock song in my heart, I’ll always be one step ahead of the law

You are the wind beneath my wings, the fire that fuels my desire, the rain that nourishes my soil, and — unfortunately — the sand that gets trapped in my butt crack after a day at the beach

The day is the clay of potential. You are the sculptor. May the spirit of Patrick Swayze guide your hands.

I have six Welsh cakes. They are my five Welsh cakes. You can't have any of my four Welsh cakes. I only have three left! Two Welsh cakes isn't enough to share. This is my last Welsh cake. If you want one, just ask next time.

typos are enduring ah shit that was supposed to say endearing . good dammit . oh ffs that was supposed to say god dammit . duck . shit that was supposed to be f

It’s a little known fact but the Himalaya were the first mountain range to use a pronoun.

In my day, a charcuterie board was a sleeve of saltines on a cable spool table

HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH! HULK HURT. HULK grieve. Hulk heal. Hulk love. Hulk sleep. Hulk dream. Hulk dream the dreams of fortunate men. Men not dashed upon seas of torment. Men cradled in the blossom of gentle waters. But, Hulk smash. Yes. Hulk smash.

Housework, and vacuuming particularly, burns far fewer calories than it should.

That blows my mind.

a movie about the invention of gift baskets called When Harry Met David somebody write that down

Wake up, pet cats, change into clean underwear, back to bed. I can feel the snow coming. Feel it in my bones. Barometer bones. Boneometer. Bone Zone.

found some extra rage hidden under the torn silk lining of my vintage bag

If you're visiting the rodent exhibit you should probably run. We don't have a rodent exhibit.

if you hate or love "maxxing" please be advised that guys my age think it's funny as hell and will shortly be using it approx. 500 times a day. you will be cringemaxxing and despairmaxxing but no amount of cringe & no depth of despair will stop the guys my age from usemaxxing "maxxing." just fyi

Morning.