We are phasing out the terms “extant” and “extinct” from our exhibits and will now refer to species as either “Darwinners" or “Darlosers.”

People used to run away and join the circus, but now, thanks to modern advancements, the circus is all around us all the damn time

Sometimes, I kind of feel like a Frankenstein myself. Just a handful of mismatched limbs held together by vibes and one questionable thunderstorm.

Finding out you’re done after one wipe is like being kissed by an angel

Look for the helpers. Keep those special glasses on though or you’ll be turned into a pile of smoking white ash

I’d like to begin tonight with a moon acknowledgment. She’s up there. Let’s proceed.

"Your response to stimuli is stimuli to me" that's so seductive but I assure you I can silent disco without the cap guns

A powdered wig on a barrister but the powder is cheeto dust

I know what you did last summer. It was macrame, and in all honesty, it was pretty good.

When I was snuggling with my kid just now, she told me she was disappointed by her book about the Donner Party, “because I thought they were going to feast on the people when they were still alive.” Then she asked if cannibalism was illegal. Then she asked if she could sleep in my bed.

Ugh another windy day

So that's why he's called the head of state

another creep on Epstein island

My mid-life crisis will take the form of a tattoo of the Loch Ness Monster with chainsaw tits

as your shaman/financial advisor I suggest you invest in the wood chipper market

Really, babies? You want an airplane flown into your mouth while eating dinner? It's like you don't even understand the current challenges being faced by the aviation industry. Grow up

Michael Caine is sat waiting for his bill at a charming little bistro in Paris. He looks up and realises with shocked delight that, far from being killed in the explosion at the movie’s climactic moment, James Bond is at the next table over.

Listen my punk, if we keep jumping up and down about love in skinny ties not mad at all, people will say we're power pop

Channeling my anger into something more productive* *a wank and a nap

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

People: we want affordable housing and healthcare Government:

Happy Partially Muscled Skeleton Day to all who celebrate. Be sure to let all your screams out and then disappear.

You need a better safe word on Main

Give a man a fish and someone with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about people getting free handouts. Teach a man to fish? Yeah, that person with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about that too.

oh no way, that's my favorite show on Netflix by Hulu+ Max HBO Max Just HBO No JK HBOMax Disney&Max x Paramount+-+ Premium

Bach, you have to stop. Your clavier is too well-tempered. Your concertos too Brandenburg. They’ll kill you

Frankenstein (2025)

Is it wrong to still find Jean-Claude Van Damme sexy? Asking for a friend* *My friend, Jean-Claude Van Damme

Yelling "many hands make light work" to the person in the opposite revolving door quadrant

I keep seeing right-wing anecdotes about how someone bought something "bad" with food stamps and like...are we supposed to be paying attention to what the other customers buy and how they pay at the end? I've been slacking, I didn't know there would be a test

I can't believe there are people who don't know who Rosalina is in the Mario franchise. It's really simple: She is the Queen of Outer Space from the future and secretly Luigi and Peach's daughter and also can travel to different dimensions where she can make out with the guys from Bad Dudes

A chessboard, only it’s the ground floor of my house. Two players, only it’s not Fischer and Spassky. A strategy, only it’s not the Queen’s Gambit. Checkmate, only it’s my dog trapped under the kitchen table by the Roomba.

Doctor: I use an app to transcribe my visits with AI, is that OK? Me: Sure Doc: Great Me: ᶠᵘᶜᵏʸᵒᵘᶜᵒᵐᵖᵘᵗᵉʳ Doc: What was that? Me: Nothing Me: ˡⁱᵗᵗˡᵉᵇⁱᵗᶜʰᶜᵒᵐᵖᵘᵗᵉʳ

I also support our veterans. But if you ever honor me with poorly kerned Comic Sans, I will reach through your phone and slap you silly

let someone else cut them you’re welcome

im hearing now, that all the nerds who got their pants pulled down while distracted by the Northern Lights, will be charged as sex offenders

By Collecting This Star, You Are No Better Than Bowser

Good cop: license, registration, and insurance please Moth cop: repeatedly banging his head against his flashlight

Anyone interested in my horror movie script? The working title is: Revenge of All the Stuff I Dropped Behind the Toilet and Left There

BLEH!!! Zhey don't love you like I love you. BLEH!!! Zhey don't love you like I love you. Baaaats baaaats baaaaaaats baaaats

"...you're going to have so much fun on a farm upstate"

Unwritten rules for checkout priority... - At a hardware store getting a plunger - At a pharmacy with Imodium - At a grocery store, crying, and getting red wine and ice cream

“I miss laughing,” said Piglet “Stick it up your whole ass,” said Tigger

No no, you misunderstand- I was complimenting you when I said you look like American Psycho.

ME: hey babe do you want to um (forgets the word sleep) temporary death with me DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes

using fractions: 1/10 do not recommend

INTERVIEWER: sell me this pen ME: *holds pen up to interviewer's throat* buy this fucking pen or you'll never see your family again

On my way to steal your girl

game could no longer recognize game because game grew a robust mustache

Anytime anyone whips out their phone to show you any pic or video, blurt "I fucking LOVE Herzog's early shit. Classic, man!" as it begins. Then walk away with purpose.