Rage Against The McRib

Not one person at this funeral has even commented on my sweet nWo shirt

I may not be technically savvy but I can work the self-serve kiosk at Hungry Jacks like a motherfucker

It’s important to hang out in the living room to get excited about returning to your bedroom.

I picked my bank based on who would give me the most free lollipops.

I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both. Pastor: These are very unusual vows.

On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat lozenges to the wolf with the COVID symptoms?

Post your favourite Star Trek character. Wrong answers only.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the dance

It’s a cold and it’s a broken “cowabunga”

In prison you only get season 8 of The Office

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me maniacally laughing as it burned to the ground] Me: they went out of business

Banned from paintball for trying to broker a peace agreement

I've walked groves in different area codes.

Call 1-800-MY-BALLS today to hear about some amazing offers!

My wife can turn any room into an escape room, she just needs me to make a pun-based joke

Arachnophobia is so stupid. Gay spiders should be able to get married.

My wife and I argue using baby voices so we don’t scare the dogs

sorry you’re so mad about gender because you hate the idea of even more genders rejecting you

Teeth so white they're starting a M*A*S*H podcast.

[first day as a lawyer] ME: did you commit the crime DEFENDANT: no ME: are you lying DEFENDANT: no ME: *looks pointedly at jury* i rest my case

My ambition for 2024 was to become a full-time tech reviewer so here's my review of some of the big-name phones that were released this year

me: best two out of three? judge: no

LAWYER: Your wife is divorcing you because you think everyone is a cop ME: *narrows eyes and looks at wife* I see you called for backup, Sharon.

The Grinch Whose Sensual Touch Ignited a Fire in My Body

Little did I know, having just completed Diddy Kong Racing for the first time, that this was where I would peak.

How genetics works

well i hold YOU in contempt of my balls, your honor

Why are there no microwave cooking shows

*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?

[At a job fair] Me: Where's the Ferris Wheel?

You guys should just let Australia be the new superpower. Yes it's hot but we have koalas and surfing and stuff. Everyone who signs up gets a free ride on a kangaroo, no questions asked.

burnt some toast in the break room and betty thinks she’s having a stroke lmao

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me 25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid 50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

I will jingle for half the way. Final offer.

Alexa, release Brian.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

examining a new follower

*confessing sins on my deathbed* I never stopped collaborated and listened

[inhales helium from balloon] Your mom and I are getting a divorce

I've been escorted out of lots of places. Usually they just punch you in the stomach. No big deal.

(David Muir voice) yet the handwritten manifesto paints a picture of a man who was not loving it

cows can’t fly which means technically it’s all ground beef

I’m officially “I don’t trust the mail” years old.

one McMurder, please

This is one of the best corners I've ever sat awkwardly in.

Time to do something extreme *stays up past 9.30pm*