[First date] Me: You’re in for a real treat later. My anus looks like a group of Michael Chiklis impersonators gathered around an open grave.

Siri has a poor sense of humor. I once did the under there/underwear joke to her and she sent a SWAT team to my house and spent my entire direct deposit on edible arrangements

HEY YOU 🫵 wanna follow some funny folks you may not have seen floating around The Sky yet? here are some of my favorite posters with under 10k followers DM me if you want me to remove you 🥰

Them: Can I tell you something? Me: Probably? I mean you’ve demonstrated you can ask me something so it should really just be a matter of punctuation.

Sorry I cried “to the thicket!” before going down on you.

Okay well if you don't want both of your thumbs shot off then don't be popping off at people with shit like "I declare a thumb war," some folk do not take such declarations lightly, now let's chalk this up to a misunderstanding and I'll take you to the hospital

Don't mind him, that's just Impaled by Harpoons Jim, he's named that on account of the harpoons that keep impaling him. *Waves* hey Jim Jim: *a harpoon suddenly flies out of nowhere and impales him* howdy

lonely farts club band

Me: [forgetting your name for the 100th time] Also me: "877-Cash Now!"

Welcome to adulthood. You now identify sounds by how expensive they’ll be.

How much ball cleavage…dickolletage if you’d prefer…is best for a white tie event?

THE EAGLES: take it to the limit CADY HERON: the limit does not exist

I’m sorry it “ruins the mood” Sharon, but my mom taught me to always say “oopsie” whenever I make a mess.

To my wheelchair using friends: looks like I need to get sort of a smaller/ narrower wheelchair for my mom. Cramped house, space etc. Any advice on brands, hings to avoid etc? Might also need an assisted lifting device for lifting her her in and out of bed etc. all input would be great.

I’m such a private person that it’s none of my business what I’m up to.

*being given a rorschach test* they’re all my posts

You don't have to tell me twice because I don't listen either time.

Get you a girl who dresses like it’s 1870 and walks through walls

There’s a puka shell necklace in my closet that talks to me like the Green Goblin mask

What goes on in the crisper drawer of my fridge is none of my business

[Stumbling into the room, disoriented, panting, and covered in blood] Them: What the fuck happened to you, are you alright?! Me: I tried to get rid of a hangnail…

If you think turtles are due for their comeuppance, you’re going to love Thursday’s soup of the day.

How many times should I pump my Reebok Pumps in order to achieve optimal sexual performance?

my coworker was excited to tell us that she is starting a worm farm. she was notably less excited when i offered my body as tribute

If you were just gonna paint more weird ones on, why didn’t you just keep the eyebrows you already had?

The light-up sneakers stay on during sex

Me: What if instead of a cat there’s a shark in the box Schrödinger: You’re missing the point but it's pretty badass

I thought Grandpa was in the back room practicing his harmonica. Turns out that he was having a fatal asthma attack. I'm so embarrassed.

My boss, Johnny Four Oysters, is working on a plan that will make us uber rich. We'll soon be taking full control of all vending machines owned by the blind syndicate.

If I'm not overestimating relationships I'm probably at my favorite bookstore, where stifled laughter cannot explain to me why it was all reshelved spine first just before I got there, or how the cat sleeps around every corner ten lives ahead of me

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

If you shout "HOT MAGMA ERUPTING" while you're in the office bathroom, they'll let you sit in there for hours! Even if you are just watching volcano videos.

Just trimmed my cat's nails for the first time. It went fine but he farted 3 times and he's not normally a windy boy so i'm guessing it must be a pull my finger thing

not to get too deep in the weeds here but everything is horrifying

ME: wow that pine tree has a lot of branches WIFE: and its trunk is all sticky ME: I literally just said that janice

[first date] WAITER: *places check on table* ME: please let me pick that up DATE: oh ok thanks ME: *picks it up and hands it to her* you're welcome

when you guys are being mean to me, this is who you’re being mean to

"You can hide, but you can't run," -- Mama tortoise, giving the lowdown to her kids

Youth is wasted on the young. Youth is fuckin’ gone off that young

[narrating a documentary on magpies] just look at these fucken badger chickens

What's the latin for sweep the leg? I'm designing a new family crest.

Dueling banjos but with mental illnesses.

The greasier my hair in the zoom appointment, the better assistance you can expect me to provide.

he lived before the age of Lubricus

the golden shower girls would like to thank you for peeing a friend

If you hold a conch shell up to your ear and listen really closely you’ll hear a hermit crab burrowing into your skull and then start to drive you like a crustacean Remy the Rat.

Filing a workplace health and safety complaint for unsanitary working conditions because there aren’t any bidets in the bathrooms.

My brain is slowly being replaced by missing earplugs.