if i wake up in pain i wasn't in when i went to sleep, i just assume i fought the monster under the bed. clearly i won, because it's gone

I QUESTION ONE GLASS OF WATER TURNING INTO WINE AND SUDDENLY I'M ANTICHRIST.

Not leaving this platform but now offering a digest of my posts in the form of a 3 page annual Holiday Letter

Once we sepia tone the single futuristic color, our much anticipated silver, shit's gonna be gold again. Remember, a vote for alchemy is a transmutation of selfie

Have you ever caught yourself blowing your nose into your own hair while you were on the 53rd level of Candy Crush?

How much do we really love that we met on a piece of scratch paper? Let's cross that out and see what if we met showing our work on the actual test

Excuses are like assholes I have a terabyte of the ones I find useful/interesting stored on an external hard drive

*stores you inside my cigar box filled with pressed flowers*

Sitting on the porch all day peeling and pitting a whole family size bag of peanut m&ms

Something happened, and I said that, yup, that's how that happens. Then I felt for some reason what I said was important enough to write down.

eating mashed potatoes with butter, heavy cream, fresh mozzarella, olive oil and balsamic vinegar because I've been lifting (the weight of my mother's expectations)

Unless you are Indigenous, that is not your spirit animal. That is just a cat eating a burrito.

Plants aren't intimidated so just grow out from the cracks of every perfect version you wish you were. For example, I'm the flower in the mouth of a gargoyle who is way better at diverting water than me

I asked chatgpt to whip me up a recipe for a fun drink I invented called the Blueberry Bombegranate and the main ingredient is antifreeze

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

Looking for a walking machine (a machine that goes out and walks for me while I stay home and cry).

You ever audition for real talk, brutal. I played Shakespeare's reverse reverse psychology in high school and just lied there

Hi, which of the Four Horsemen are you? I'm Pants.

We find our zero in not one single heroic situation but we do not find it in negative one single heroic situation either so

Draw a line in the sand. Draw another one. And another one. Okay one more. Now I you've got tic tac toe and oh my god the lines are filled with blood. I don't understand why you are so mad at this beach.

They couldn’t fit “girl most likely to ask if you dare her to smoke catnip & does it anyway even if you don’t dare her because she just hadda know” in my yearbook

You are my Morning Glory

They said we were careless surfaces, that we'd just cross contaminate each other. We called it sharing everything. Then we called it ok to wash between secrets

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Haha! Fooled you! It's a me, Julie! Come join me for milk and cookies bingo. Mr. Menace is going to put on a puppet show! God bless.

Filling out forms just to throw them away as a therapeutic activity. Let's see, what a cool middle initial today it's X or Q. The address is uninhabitable, but legible. Lol. Medical history, that of the dodo. And it's already got one like from a mental health question.

I would like to retract my previous posts about the right to bear nunchuks

Just received a "chemical suit during a nuclear disaster" utility rating at my performance review

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

Ten year olds find their way through this corn maze all day long, so I have an idea. I should follow one of them out of this dumb thing.

I just shaved an entire leg with the razor cap on. And now I go to work where I will dispense financial wisdom to youth and vulnerable adults.

I'm going to be apologizing so much on my deathbed they'll say I had a never out of sorry experience

Remember in "alternative music" when the windshield would fog up and we'd sing de-frost-er to the tune of debaser and then squeegee it with doc martens

I haven't been around because I'm developing a new treatment option that involves going to sleep for two years and waking up well. It's going to be wildly popular, expensive, and y'all can say you knew me when

If your aura isn't out there absorbing the voids then maybe I'm just misreading all this paper towel commercial energy

Set my alarm to 6pm instead of 6am and then hit snooze until the end of times.

Looks like we found Rev. Dr. Ravenscrof. No one else is capable of being lost in a corn maze for weeks.

Plz don’t forget Ozzy being dead is still sad

I try to be cool to everyone cause you just never know who’s actually an antediluvian spirit from the kingdom of Atlantis & I wanna know things

I feel like I’m always reassuring strangers my dad is crazy but totally harmless, but lemme tell you it does not help that he looks like a darker skinned Rasputin.

I don't "look" for inspiration. I don't even "find" it. We are both already in the same place and it's called hide and seek panic where we just stand there screaming not ready until a laundry chute says hey over here it's the journey that matters

My grandmother left me an unpopped piece of bubble wrap handed down to her by her grandmother. She shouldn't have done that.

[Morpheus extends a hand, presenting you a choice between pineapple pizza and black licorice]

Your call is important to us. We value your business. Our office is here to serve you. Except not today, friends, because all of our heads have exploded at once.

As a person who doesn't cook sometimes I like to ask "what if I were to make this very involved recipe with ingredients I do not have?"

We used to leave an open cigar box out on the table to feel like we had a laptop but it was so slow we'd end up going to the hospital to pace back and forth until a funny cat story was born

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND (weird cyst in my armpit)

To make up for having such a tiny robot I named the voice activated grocery list maker in my house "oh you think you're better than me" but I have to square up to verify myself and it's so tall I'd rather just be a sensitive shoulder to shop on

Hemorrhaging fucks. Please give me a fuck transfusion.

Anything can be enough to get a search warrant if your heart is the evidence of a bigger heart you clearly cannot afford

For my years of service, my employer will soon be presenting me a plague.