The Devil: hey man not sure what happened here but we're all out special places Me: listen pal I was given SEVERAL reservations over to course of my lifetime

The worst part of this rainy weather is it gives the moon cloud cover while it hunts you.

drunk in the back of the carriage spilling mead everywhere

Pilot: hi sry due to gas prices this plane is crashing into a mountain

Revolutionary: hi sry due to gas prices this Molotov cocktail is now virgin

Vin Diesel: hi sry due to gas prices im only living 1/16 of a mile at a time

Getting kids to do their homework is hard cause they’ll just be like “I know how magicians saw people in half” & then it’s like well shit—fuck subtraction—tell me everything you know

Teach your child to swim, as someday they might be required to post through their tears.

I just want everyone to know that you don't need drugs to vomit and scream at the same time.

I don't know what it meant when I finally connected all the dots but it sure looked unlike I do visual story straightforwardly

There should be an app that matches people who are down with people who want to kick them while they are

As far back as i can remember I always wanted to win a million dollars in a lawsuit. To me, winning a million dollars in a lawsuit was better than being President of the United States

Optimistic enough to leave an aquarium outside for something to come over and live in, but super tasty optimistic enough for it to respect how I constantly monitor hope when I should induce vomiting

The sweetest thing ever told to me was when a drunk said I'm a double vision.

Opening old wounds to release some of this sewage water roiling through my veins.

Salad is not for sad days. Melting the cheese that is already in your mouth with a kitchen torch is.

Guy who only understands things in terms of Godzilla vs Mothra: okay but I need you to explain this to me like I'm Godzilla and you're Mothra

We've secretly replaced the Secretary of Defense with a drunken racist blogger. Let's see if anyone notices.

it kinda feels like someone should do something

I have not set foot on the moon

"Are you not entertained?"

wow amazing that america has already collected almost enough 9/11 Points to earn another 9/11

VPN stands for Very Paranoid Nerd you did not hear this from me

MANUARY, A MONTH FOR MEN.

After work I do not walk to my car, I slink in the parking garage and descend to its depths, never overground estimate me

The only ppl getting raptured are the ones that left Britney Spears alone.

You can try to suck it back in all you want, but the darkness leaking from your nostrils is now bigger than the whole of us.

Bombing other countries must feel like crack to an american president

My nickname back in driving school was unofficial parking space because I'd get all huffy if someone else's car was in my thoughts even though they're public and undesignated

& iiiiIIiiiiieeeeiiiIiii WILL ALWAYS LOoVE YOOOOOUUUUOUUU 🎶

There is no next year, only Zuul.

Sitting here without my glasses on, micro-dosing the innocence before the fall.

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

If you wake me up and don't read my rights to me, I'm going to assume you don't have any either

I said manatee not matinee I see how they show up on time like long jokes when you're really ready to get it matinees don't so give me a manatee flexibility a floppy feel for words not a punctual punctuating perspective I peruse paradisiacal patterns beyond a frame while you call old films late

Back in my tough love we had to fight the happy people into being happier by doing these suffering bits "I'm not suffering just because you are in fact I kinda like it" and then we'd be scarred strong for winter

Always keep a small piece of chalk in your pocket lest you run out of tums or fall down and die.

Learned all of the music and feelings you should have as a human being just from a television experience so now I know that I am a sad and complete kind of person, I'll take it because it's closing creditsable

There are such serious divisive issues to be outraged by, but I think everyone needs to come together and fight the temperature changing 40 degrees in one day. We can all hate this equally, right?

The best thing about holdin on to broken shit is match makin new couples like broken lamp base this is your new baby pretty ceramic flower—she’s gonna cover your missing piece

If you can’t call your doctor “Doc” then you needa get the fuck outta there. They’re gonna fuck your shit all up

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

Hey so the best of us just called and they want you to know that it does not in fact happen to them

fried onions on really anything, that is all

Kids in the Hall had me "I'm crushing your head" at every person I saw as a kid

I run a business that retroactively provides jobs for people who need an alibi.