My superpower is I can tell if a retail location was ever a Radio Shack.

When you have to use a public ouija and the beyond before you wasn't great and you don't want the next beyond thinking it was you so you unpiss on every grave

Perhaps it is not me you seek, dear colleagues, first thing in the Monday morning chat, but the sweet release of death you unwittingly crave.

Woke up with my fanny pack on again

i am once again pissing your pants

I had a prescription refilled 15 minutes before the pharmacy closed. The pharmacist spit in my Zoloft.

When you tell someone an album that means everything to your soul & they’ll go listen to the whole thing to understand why. I want that for Christmas

I’m still trick-or-treating. The people have run out of candy. One lady gave me the keys to her Buick. Another guy hit me with a broom

Can your environment tell you what it all means. We took it experimental devices further and went under the environment, where the real unreal is. Hello, come get us, listen for broken down science bored of finding love and not a one night math

Stop asking me what is new. Nothing is new. Underneath this hardened carapace, my innards are slowly turning to mulch.

Buying a potato just to peel something.

Cranking some Young just to Neil something.

Get down off the cross we need the t to spell breast

Slangin rocks just to deal something.

Hauling a scallywag just to keel something.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE CHRISTMAS PARTY, I WANT TO STAY HOME AND WORSHIP MY ELDRITCH YULE GODS IN PEACE.

Please try one of the chocolates from this box. They are all disgusting.

If candles could talk they’d say, “I hate this bitch, she’s always stickin her fingers in us like a real fuckin creep”

Satan, Santa, and Santana- Unplugged

It's hard not to take it van personally but my neighbor put a no bozos sticker on a window only I can see blasting van halen as I sit on the porch eating brown m&m's

[🎶Frosty the Snowman🎶] Cthulhu the Old One Is a cosmic entity While he hibernates Cthulhu dreams and waits Causing our anxiety

I am a 45 year old adult person wearing pentagram earrings to the staff Christmas party.

GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME WITH YOUR LINEN PANTS.

save this for later

Me calling down the thunder: what's up bitch come get some Me after the thunder has arrived: hey listen I think there's been a misunderstanding

"Your response to stimuli is stimuli to me" that's so seductive but I assure you I can silent disco without the cap guns

My mid-life crisis will take the form of a tattoo of the Loch Ness Monster with chainsaw tits

You kids think saying numbers is cool? 67? How 'bout 9/11? Still having fun? Didn't think so.

I am physically unable to go through a yellow light without saying "ha ha haa" in a menacing voice

People telling me I'm going to face repercussions need to calm down like I haven't even faced the percussions yet

Listen my punk, if we keep jumping up and down about love in skinny ties not mad at all, people will say we're power pop

Setting the clock back to the Middle Ages and investing in leeches.

When people ask why I eat my peas with a knife, I tell them that it's a Julie thing. It makes sense because that's my name.

Now, a message from Rev. Dr. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Julie Lavender Menace is a big, dumb... big.... I don't like her very much. God bless.

Last night I dreamt my toenails were catalogued for the great World Toenail Compendium, which was an honour I wasn't expecting, in all honesty.

I can’t explain religious phenomenons, but the lady w smokers wrinkles buying scratch offs bitchin there’s never any sweet & low is a mystic—cause when she calls you “hon”—it’s healing.

I deeply love deli clerks. They are keepers of the light.

In a parallel universe I'm living everything the same after the cross-universe lawsuit about keeping backup files

6 out there acting like 7 eating 9 was the crime of the century. We are all animals in a jungle, and 9 was simply lower on the food chain.

Introducing The 2026 Living Room Concert Series (I break into your house at 3:00 am and play guitar on your couch)

I took those triangle shaped pieces out of my cat's Meow Mix and boy did she get pissed.

It was a scene right out of a time standing still, you asking me to pause it, me having already paused it as I'll never want any of our moments to end and actually I hit play again in the eternity it took you to ask, but it's over. We miss fighting in blockbuster

Well aren’t you just the brightest firefly in the jar…

Them: *nothing* Me: OK so my socks are mismatched cause when I lose a cute one I feel sad to throw it away so that’s why one’s a Rottweiler & the other says OZZY