I enjoy the TV show The Traitors. But I believe there are ways to make it even better. Here are my ideas:

I knew the first COP30 event after Dick Cheney's death would be hard but not this hard :( Can't stop imagining his excited face as he walks around doing his thing; decrying green energy, enriching himself at the expense of an inhabitable future and plotting more war crimes. He'd have been so happy 💔

GREAT day! Met some local youths outside the village shop who asked me to buy them a packet of cigarettes for use in “an anti-smoking billboard campaign” they're working on. I was happy to help! When I gave them the packet they ran to a nearby alley to get started. Good luck with the campaign, kids!

It's so strange. Back in mid 2000s, I really thought that the day Dick Cheney died would be one of joy and celebration. And I was correct.

Just paid the aul' income tax for the year and consequently have about two beans left to rub together, so if you've been looking for a bit of Irish art now's a very good time to buy. It's this or train the crows to rob billionaires and I'm running out of cheese bribes

If any of you ever wish to avoid attending an event but need an excuse to get out of it, please feel free to use me. Simply complete this form, give it to the person(s) inviting you to said event and you'll be in the clear 👍

If anyone's at a loose end tonight and wants to see something insane, check out the user manual for the Ebac E-Care+ AWM96D2-WH washing machine. I just found a punctuation error in the table of contents!! You don't see slip-ups like that every day!

Hope this doesn't inconvenience anyone but if any of you are thinking of dressing up for Halloween as the electrician who fixed my grandad's oven in 1986, please don't. I've recently learned that he passed away in 2013 so it would be a little disrespectful. Please choose a different costume instead.

Timesaving tip for any other filing cabinet enthusiasts out there: If you're checking out pictures of filing cabinet on Google image search, don't bother scrolling past the 6,508th image. The filing cabinets pictured after that aren't as good, imo 👎

In prison, snitches get stitches. But there should be other rhyming punishments too: -No online shopping for anyone eavesdropping -Snoring at night? In your breakfast omlette, you'll find only egg white -Keep your cell clean or no dressing up for Halloween -No fresh pears for those who use swears

It's hard for us to appreciate the true scale of Mount Everest. So to put it in a context that we can all understand, here's a comparison chart showing the height of Mount Everest alongside other tall things

WARNING: Local youths in the park are offering to verify people's Instagram account for €150. DO NOT PURCHASE. After I paid, I gave them my phone for the verification process but when they gave it back, they had changed my username to “AVerifiedDork”. I AM 99% CERTAIN IT IS NOT A LEGITIMATE BUSINESS

A former teacher of mine once told me that there are no stupid or unnecessary questions and I carry those words of wisdom with me every day online

Oh no, this is embarrassing 🙈 Word has got out about my donation of over €0.99 to the local owl sanctuary. I must have forgotten to tick the “Anonymous” box by accident 🤦‍♂️ Now everyone's hailing me as a hero. Please, everyone, this isn't about me! The staff at the sanctuary have done just as much!

Thinking of becoming a successful businessperson? Here's everything you'll need to know

With box office revenues falling, Hollywood could boost profits by combining popular genres. My idea? A violent mafia film that's also a heartwarming kids' movie; A toddler is appointed boss of the mafia. The kid slowly teaches the mobsters to have fun and they start doing murders more playfully ❤️

US fan behaviour at the Ryder Cup is being criticised so here are some milder insults to yell at rival golfers: - "You don't always safely eject USB devices” - “You wrote a blog post claiming the final Game of Thrones season was very satisfying" - “You know little about Ottoman Empire trade routes"

There's a lot of conspiracy theories about why Kieran Culkin looks so much taller in Succession than he does in Home Alone. Some say camera angles, others say CGI or a secret doppelganger and I respect those views. But, for me, it's more likely down to a simple case of good old-fashioned witchcraft.

The question I get asked most frequently is, "Michael, what is your opinion of the Wikipedia page on doors?" Well, here are my full and honest thoughts

My one criticism of Premier League footballers? The lack of imagination when exchanging souvenirs after games. They only ever swap shirts. Show some imagination, guys. Give your opponent a gift voucher for a local butcher shop. Learn woodworking and carve them a lovely doorstop. Show them you care ❤️

Please stop casting evil spells on me. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Comedy gold, I promise you, read it and weep tears of joy

Never forget the time I had to contact my local costume shop on Facebook. The last-minute hospital pass by David to Sonya is exquisite.

Just wanted to jump and register my Champions League predictions ahead of the big kick-off. Hope I don't end up with egg on my face! 🙈 Winners: Not sure yet Runners-Up: Too tough to call Dark Horse Team: I don't know Underachieving Team: No idea. Could be anyone Top Scorer: Impossible to tell

My performance evaluation for the captain of the Titanic

I conducted a survey asking people to name the worst thing about modern society. To my surprise, absolutely none of them said that traffic lights are too boring. But I still went ahead and devised a solution to the problem anyway

It's OK to not be OK. You might not want to talk about to friends but there is help out there... www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-h...

They destroyed an entire website just to silence me but I will NEVER stop posting

Always take proactive action when you see an ad for a job that isn't right for you. It saves a lot of potential awkwardness.

It's pretty fascinating to see how horses have evolved over time, imo

Most people believe the actors improvised the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan but movie buffs like me know that's not fully accurate. Yes, the dialogue was improvised (as it is in most films) but much of the action was likely pre-planned with some actors even being told beforehand what to do.

We need Transfer Deadline Day for other professions too. Surgeons being whisked out of the operating theatre to ply their trade in a rival hospital. Firefighter shimmying back up the pole b/c another fire station has bid for them. David Attenborough kicking penguins b/c he wants a move to Eastenders

Some people don't even know the basic facts about our home solo system. Here's everything you need to know

If you're not following @sirmichael.bsky.social, you are missing out on one of the world's greatest authors

The publishing industry is in decline. Some say it's because of changing market dynamics. Others say it's because of technological disruptions. But the truth is it's because they refuse to publish my lovely book of Heartwarming Stories for Children.

Dig a secret tunnel. Wear a jet-pack underneath your kit. Swap clothes with a steward when no-one's looking and then sneak out. There's loads of ways for a Premier League footballer to go home instead of having to play a match but for some reason these guys aren't seizing the opportunity 💔 #epl-live

Time to review my predictions for summer 2025. In hindsight, I think I set my targets too high :(

If I had been asked to proofread "She Loves You" by The Beatles

I know they've received some criticism but I have to say I'm broadly in favour of the updated rules for the Premier League season

Excited to announce that I have decided to become an events coordinator. My first event is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon 🤞

Reminder that if it hadn't been for the pandemic, I would almost certainly now be recognised as the world's leading equine artist 💔

For centuries, people have wondered if water is a good or bad thing. Now, thanks to data, we can finally make a definitive assessment

For anyone who needs to know how to rename a file, here's my handy how-to guide. Hope this is helpful 🤞

Here's a handy how-to guide I made for anyone who wants to calculate their monthly expenses more easily

Changes I would make to the calendar: APRIL 25TH: Rebrand as “The Christmas of Spring” JUNE 11TH. Ladder Day. A day when everyone has to say one nice thing about ladders OCT 6TH. Move this day to August. Also make it a second Ladder Day NOV 29th. Make this day two months long DEC 5TH: Ladd3r Day

I heard a fascinating song recently and it affected me so deeply that I had no option but to write a thesis on it. Here's page 1

Just because it's not someone's birthday doesn't mean you shouldn't send them a card. I send one of these to everyone I know 364 days a year. It's called politeness.

Learned some interesting information in the sports group chat this evening

To all the doubters who say that I don't have a girlfriend and have never done k*ssings with a lady, how do you explain this authentic love letter I've just received from an old flame?

Think Alcaraz and Sinner are new to the game of tennis? Well, think again because you don't reach the Wimbledon final without several weeks of training. These guys bought tennis rackets sometime in the spring and they've been busily learning how to hit the ball 5+ hours a week ever since #Dedication