Hey buttmunches, I’m going back over to the other place. Please consider giving ole Kell a follow. Thanks.

Getting a mammogram. I’ll see if I can get wallet sizes or 5 x 7s. ( • Y • )

"I was only following orders" wasn't an acceptable excuse at the Nuremberg trials & won't work now. #AccountabilityIsComing

I woke up to #lucypancakes biting my arm. Girl, I’m not dead, I just overslept! Damn! #AsSoonAsImDeadShellEatMyEyeballs

I don’t mean to brag but yesterday, a lady whom I’ve never met, told me I had a flat butt. 💅🏻

This bag of circus peanuts from 2004 has a more natural hue and better diplomacy than anything coming out of the White House.

This This is the face of a ruthless killer

Hashtag no filter. Feels good to just be me, you know

If you take a photo of yourself wearing any kind of reflective sunglasses, I will zoom in to see what you saw.

🖤🖤🖤

Just got my $34 Facebook money. Nice knowing you. I'm moving to the Hamptons.

What’s worse? Having parents that made your relationship with them so difficult that their deaths are a relief OR having really great parents that you mourn hard forever?

It’s just never going to stop with these fucking people, is it?

I get sad when I see an ugly baby.

Black eyed peas and #Daysofourlives ❤️🥰

Remember to be safe out there. Stay away from driving if you’ve been drinking. Also stay away from guys with acoustic guitars. #NoDUIs #NoWonderwall #NoGettinPregnant

Sometimes I think I’m a pretty cool chick, then other times, I realize I’ve been watching a commercial for mailboxes and getting pretty excited about it.

The Grinch doesn’t practice Santeria He ain’t got no crystal ball If he had a million dollars He’d spend it all On a master plan to take over Santa’s workshop

Santa came now because Santa is tired, and old, and made cookies, and pies, and overslept, and has arthritis, and made spaghetti, and has to prepare food for tomorrow.

If Americans were the kind of people I’ve always been TOLD we are, there’d be a revolution going on right now that’d make Marie Antoinette say, “gee, I had a great time by comparison.”

I don’t want to seem rude, but if you’re thinking of getting me a sword for Christmas, and it’s not enchanted, I would just rather have no sword.

Living close to Oklahoma is a gold mine…

Hey, sorry I was being a bitch. It’s because I’m a bitch.

My phone autocorrected “ducks” to “fucks” the ONE time I actually wanted to use ducks.

Thank you for the stocking stuffer ideas. But I don’t know what stockings you think I need stuffed.

“Where the fuck did the tape go?!” -Me all the way through December.

My sons best friend saw my Jem shirt this morning. He said “oh cool! Jem! My grandma has a Jem doll!” And that the story of how he got banished from my house.

People just go on cruises all willy nilly like the ocean isn’t scary as fuck. #TheSeaIsntOurBusiness

🔥🔥

At the antique store again and absolutely getting this. I have no idea what it's about, nor do I care.

🥰🥰🥰🥰

10 years without him fucking sucks Scott Weiland October 27, 1967 - December 03, 2015

PRO TIP: If you're going to lash out at reporters for questioning your stamina, don't fall asleep mid-rant.

They should’ve called them Treese’s

Ohhhh it’s a bow. I totally didn’t think it was the Grinch spreading cheeks at all. 👀

Oh to be a kitty cat asleep on a pillow, under a blanket, curled against momma, staring at a Christmas tree. 🖤🖤🖤#lucypancakes

All the trees are up, the outside is decorated, and I am very happy ❤️🥰🎄🎅🏼🎁☃️

THIS BITCH FROM IHOP IS TALKING MAD SHIT

Stages of life: 1. Birth 2. You gotta be fucking kidding me 3. Death

The amount of butter in my mashed potatoes could only be described as reckless

let the gravy just shower over you

Thanksgiving is tomorrow? I still have my 9/11 tree up

It’s amazing that my body only functions off cheese and naps.

I’m at the doctor and somebody is flipping through a magazine. Who does that? They probably write checks at Walmart.

Sometimes you just get the weird feeling you’re being watched. 👀 #lucypanckes

The French had a cure for this.

This Home Depot is playing my jams.

Are the Trumpers gonna copy him now? They wore the diapers. They wore the ear patches. Are they gonna start jaw doggin?