shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Server: a little Quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

I don’t usually hold grudges but I’m still pissed off at that cat who walked on one of my roof tiles while it was drying in the Roman sun 2000 years ago

mechanic who fixed my horn boy scouts 🤝 beep repaired

I have a complete set of alf trading cards so I guess you could say I like to keep it real

I love star trek that's the one with captain dirk and mr. speck right

[alien with coke bottle glasses] TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

I like my women how I like my coffee; sweet, hot, and that one time in college.

They say to dress for the job you want, but I'm not allowed to wear pajamas to work

“We will sell no wine before its time.”

“Nobody’s going anywhere until you two work this out.”

what i mean when i say i’m busy

me: *reading my horoscope* my horoscope: before we get into this, you may want to pour yourself a stiff drink

I dunno maybe you could come over and fill my mouth with your hot Italian sausage if you wanna

It’s good but I don’t like it. -person reposting without liking

They don’t tell you, but you can smoke at confession

I run off of the fumes of the reply guys that tell me I’m pretty.

always terrifying when no one is there to bless you and you're just racking up unblessed sneezes

referring to my diagnoses like crimes to my doctors to keep things interesting, like "I've been accused of having," and adding "allegedly" to whatever they say

Tuesday: I dunno guys maybe Monday gets a bad rap Monday: Wednesday: sighs Thursday: well I d…. Friday: Hahaha hahaha hahaha Monday: fuck you Friday Tuesday: and there we go

Nothing unites so strongly as mutual sarcasm.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, enunciate everything loud and clear.

I thought it was Friday for about 2 minutes this morning coincidentally I was happy for about 2 min this morning

Let’s all pretend to be functional together.

With all the advancements in technology, you'd think someone would've come up with a better printer.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: fuckin' thursdays…

I don't use ai but I have no doubt it uses me 😠

My dog wouldn't like you.

My doctor was pushed for time this afternoon, so did my prostate and testicle examination at the same time. Boy, let me tell you there's plenty of women I've known who could learn a thing or two from this guy.

The school year approaches. Time once again for the boys to rhyme autumn with bottom

Me: I see a lot of myself reflected in you. My 12 y/o: Oh no. I'm ugly?

Here in the northeast we don’t check our boots for snakes very often but we do check our Chuck Taylors for vestigial Puritanism and Catholic guilt

My new hobby is to go on singles fb group pages and motivate guys that post their pictures.

Sometimes I shy away from normal men behaviors. Other times I comment daily on an IG page where people post cool sticks they found.

*rides off into the sunset* *returns to check and see if the oven is turned off*

Well it’s the end of another weird fucking day here in the USA and as I step into a tepid shower with Foghat and a Bud Light I recall those halcyon days when the most dangerous part of a phone was the risk of being strangled by its long cord as your sister tried to win concert tickets on the radio

language is so ambiguous like who can say what twatwaffle or cockwomble really mean when they’re directed at me so mysterious

“hey little girl is your daddy home?” bruce springsteen asks me i don’t answer because that’s a fucken weird thing to say to a 41yo woman eating corn on the cob over the sink

My coworker called his Coke Zero a fridge cigarette and that’s what they shall be called from now on

Haven’t seen one Von Dutch hat since covid. Makes you think.

me: why don’t I have any matching socks? wife: the washing machine keeps eating them me: you must be using the vicious cycle wife: I despise you

I watch the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy at least once a week It's Hobbitual

This makes me irrationally angry

depending on who you get, chewy’s online support team can either be really rude or really helpful

I can only afford poor decision

Look, I'm no expert of idioms, but the term "beating around the bush" sounds quite inappropriate... & possibly Friday night for most of you

I miss the days when the only "therapists" i needed were my cat, the guy who was always at the bus stop, and an animated paper clip on my computer

american literacy rates are bad, but the thing I most wish they could read is the writing on the wall